h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Any fans of call my bluff out there?

I think that boondoggle could be a great name for researcher! Therefor not totally useless.

The answer to your question, Bassman, is "yes".
"Call My Bluff" is wonderful, and has done much to help me stay vaguely sane during a trying year. Why isn't Sandi Toksvig more famous? She's one of the funniest people on TV!

Call My Bluff.

I don't think the programme is as good as when Frank Muir and the other chap who's name escapes me were on, with Robert Robinson comparing the show.

BOONDOGGLE - Definition.

The small gritty deposits that materialise in your rifle barrel between cleaning it spotlessly, and offering it to the Officer in charge for inspection. The result of presence of Boondoggle will normally be ten laps of the parade square with said contaminated rifle held above one's head.

TRUE

or

BLUFF

BLUFF.

Ormondroyd.

That was obviously too easy because I didn't give any alternatives. 1 out of 10 to me, see teacher after class!

With regard to Frank Muir's opponent on the old Call My Bluff shows, if you're thinking of a bloke with a terrible stammer then I think his name was Patrick Campbell. (There, you really needed to know that, didn't you?!)
We'll just have to agree to differ as to the relative merits of CMB then and now. I like both the current captains but especially Sandi Toksvig, whose deliciously dirty laugh always cheers me up.
Now, to business. If we're going to play this game, let's do it properly. One word and three definitions coming up:

QUAGGA

A) An Australian word for a muddy patch of land (especially a dangerous one).

B) An extinct animal that resembled a small zebra with black and brown stripes.

C) Loose rocks and debris found at the bottom of a cliff face.


Over to you.

Ormondroyd.

Patrick Campbell - of course. I remember the stammer. That was a few years ago. I'm going to start showing my age soon. Did you used to watch Ask The Family - also hosted by Robert Robinson?

Quagga - B.

(Produces card, opens it with rueful smile)
TRUE.
1-0 to you.
OK, your turn.
(And yes, I did watch Ask The Family. I think I've definitely shown my age there).

Ormondroyd.

(Sits back smugly while scoreboard increments)

Next word: TECHNOID.

a) A robot designed to carry out purely technical tasks. For example picking up the minutest of nuts and attaching them to the smallest of bolts, withouut the aid of a safety net.

b) A technician who performs his duties unswervingly "By the book". A person who's common sense was surgically removed at birth.

c) A technical person who's ability to carry out a task, is vastly outweighed by his ineptitude to carry out said task.

(Stares threateningly across the desk) over to you.


Apologies for having been away so long.

(Shuffles awkwardly in seat, body language revealing that he really hasn't a clue).
OK - a wild guess - C.

Ormandroyd.

Drops pencil fixed gazedly. Without looking down locates snall folder. Opens folder towads self and slowly turns it round to reveal...
.....
.....
......
.......
.........
............
...............
.....................
................................
....................................................
.................................................................TRUE.

Good guess. The audience clap their appreciation, and you slouch smugly back in your swivel chair.

The score: 1 - 1.

Your turn.

That would even have been a sMall folder if I'd been bothered to check before posting!

OK, my turn...

CLINQUANT

A) Well, this could be considered topical, because Santa Claus would be in trouble if he tried to come down a chimney that was too clinquant! It just means "clinkered" - heavily covered with layers of grime. Not nice at all.

B) Actually, it IS seasonal, but it means something festive and lovely! "Clinquant" just means something shiny and decorative, like tinsel!

C) I wouldn't touch those first two definitions with a barge pole, if I were you.
Or, to put it another way - I wouldn't touch them with a clinquant! Because a clinquant is a kind of barge pole - a specialised boating pole, with a leather handle to protect against splinters.

Avoids scratching head for lack of Clingquant (I need the leathery bit you understand, to avoid splinters).

Looks round for support, but the rest of the team stay tight lipped.

Quick and maybe rash decision ...... A ... (I hope).

Sits uneasily on edge of seat.

(Ormondroyd A smiles a small, rueful smile. Reaches into box of cards. Takes peek inside to make sure that he's got the right one.



Very,



very,



very,



slowly,



opens it,



to reveal...











BLUFF


(Bob Holness smiles beningly, and says straight to camera "So which of the other two Ormondroyds had the correct definition?"

(Ormondroyds B and C look at each other, smirking smugly, before B opens his card to reveal the word "TRUE" and the definition pasted there, and says smugly: "Yes! In this case all that glitters was gold"

Bob: "So, 'clinquant' - gilded, sparkly or shiny. (Rings bell) "2-1 to Ormondroyd. Over to you, Bassman..."

I will go off at a slicht tangent here, and introduce a few words of phrases that I have regularly used in my service career.


Hawksley.


a) To waffle on endlessly, about a subject of little or no importance to the third party involved.

b) A name given to the guy in the pub. He's always alittle bit shorter, stockier, and louder than the crowd he's with, also invariably ginger.

c) A whinger. Will say ten bad words about an item or person when most would say a couple of good ones.

Bob looks a little unsure at the way the rules have been bent, but seems sure that a humour injection will follow.

Over to you once more.

Those three definitions together add up to a pretty good description of one bloke I used to work with. However, if only one is correct, I'd go for a).

Looks woefully round the room, and quickly pulls out the "True" card to the amazement of the audience. You slouch back in your chair with a look of smug contentedness.

Bob enquires as to the origins of the alternatives.

A.) To Hawksley. After a guy that waffled - a lot.

B.) Nobby. The guy would always be called Nobby (or was that Knobby)?

C.) A chap that I used to work with who will remain nameless, but otherwise known as the M M S U (Mobile Morale Suppression Unit). Don't you just love forces humour.

I think that must be about 3_1 to you (Sob).

(Bob Holness: "I'm afraid so, Bassman, that is indeed 3-1 to Ormondroyd. But never mind, let's move on with... (rings bell)"

PASQUINADE

A) An attractive decorated shopping arcade could be a pasquinade. Even a subway could be a pasquinade - if it had great murals. A pasquinade is any kind of ornately decorated corridor. A posh passageway. basically!

B) This is an absolute mockery! I mean, this word is a joke - and a rather cutting, vicious joke at that. That's what it means!
The word "pasquinade" has its origins in 15th century Italy, and a Signor Pasquino. He was a sarky so-and-so, known for his caustic wit. Hence "pasquinade" - a satire or parody.

C) In fact, it only goes back to 18th century France. Back then, in fashionable French society, the mesdames and messieurs would regularly take their partners onto the dance floor to do the funky pasquinade. It was a dance - a more complicated variation on the waltz. But the waltz remained popular, while the pasquinade passed away.

Over to you again...