h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

When we lived in London and I was no but a child my foster father started going to spiritualist meetings.

The family had had a lot of bad luck and I suppose they thought that if they knew what was coming they could dodge it.

Father came back with all sorts of stories. A lady who was very poor in a village where we had once lived returned to thank him for the lovely funeral.

The most memorable evening was when he came in and told mother that we were about to received some sweet williams (flowers) well we didn't have any in the garden so mum decided this was not possible.

Next morning, a large bunch of sweet williams arrived from my foster brother who still lived in the country. The sweet williams will always be memorable and on occassions when things have gone a little off track in my life I am tempted to go the way of the spiritualist.

I find your story of the German Pilot moving and it must be totally unforgetable for you. How and Why I don't know but I am a cynic and believe that there is a perfectly logical reason behind your experience.

There are loads of reality programmes on tv over here at the moment and well known tv personalities are nodding off on a regular basis and finding themselves as other people living another.

Many years ago I met two spiritualists and they told me that I had an aura, and that I should stay away from all things spiritual. So I have.

My husband has nearly died on a couple of times and reports nothing unusual.

Please don't regret telling me about the Scientology, I am not judgemental and boy there are a few things that I have done which make me with horror. At the end of the day they are all parts of the coloured thread that make the tapestry of life

How strange Cate. Did you not think it odd that a spiritualist should warn you to stay away from things spiritual? I am a bit contrary by nature and if somebody tells me not to do something I get my back up. I am also a bit cowardly by nature and inclined to imagine dire results if I do something I was told not to do. Talk about split personality. Life can be a perpetual internal battleground. Interesting though!

I used to think I was pretty intelligent once. Several I.Q. tests had me above average. But when I hear/read about the accomplishments of other people I am forced to believe I am a dill. I usually have the tv on while I am on the comp. so that I have something to do while I wait for my geriatric machine to mumble its way through its computations, and I was watching a young woman touch type. How do they do that?? I am not incapable in many ways. In the past I have had car engines apart and put back together. And they worked. But even with my eyes on the keyboard and using only two fingers I make whole bunchesful of mistakes. To each his own I guess.

Somebody once said that our bodies are biological robots and the part of us that 'is' us, is the driver. So I guess some people get 'bots that are fitted with whizz bang computers while the rest of us putter along in T model Fords. Life aint fair, but it aint half bad either.

I have been very reclusive over the holidays. There is no golf until February.The club does not own the course and we have to get out of the way so that the invading horde of holiday makers can hack it to pieces. I am a sort of genial hermit in that I am quite happy to be alone, but not aggressive to all the noisome mess of mittering humanity that keep disturbing my peace. A pox on all their houses! But in a nice way of course.

I have had rather a lot of things to take my mind off the spiritualist thing but once or twice I have thought it would be good to know what my future held. Like when I had several paths to choose to take it would have been good to know which one would be ideal.

I spoke to a spiritualist when my mum died and asked her why mum didn't talk to me? she said that my mum hadn't been dead long enough and needed to learn her way around

Mum didn't really ever actually talk to me but I know when she is around also my husbands dad he helps out too. They don't actually tell us what to do but kind of point us to the ideal situation.

If we misinterpret these signs we still make the wrong move so I don't see much point we must be daft or very stubborn and we keep making the wrong moves.

I still have a long way to go before I am a settled happy person. I have many issues as they say to sort out with my children and as my husband is not liked by them and he does'nt like them I have a few hard roads to follow.

My youngest son has just made me a grandmum and I would love to hold that baby but my husband cannot accept that so I am inwardly very unhappy about it. thats a secret.

Next door had a party last night so lots of noise again and I am reading such an awful book but because of O/C tendences I cannot put it away without finishing it. Its about a woman who becomes beautiful to get revenge on a bloke who didn't treat her right when she was fat and ugly.

Just watch The Witch the lion and the Wardrobe the Chronicles of Narnia by CS Lewis absolute bliss.

I looked up spiritualism on google and found one called New Thought Spiritualism which sounds quite a reasonable one. But I do not like the idea of anyone who has gone before hanging around, looking over my shoulder. People who like that idea must lead very circumspect lives.

The ABC used to show the Narnia thing as a serial. I saw a few episodes (my mental age has not hit double figures yet) but I have not seen the film. I will have to see if they have it in the library.

I am sorry that your family is not as close as you would like. Family is surely more important to a mother than to a childless uncle. I recently wrote a poem in Jab's New Poetry conversation which more or less sums up my current attitude. They say that the closer you are to death the more you distance yourself from those around you. I must be getting ahead of myself. I hope.

I suppose I should say HAPPY NEW YEAR, but hey, it is just another date on the calendar. Here in Oz we are on summer time so midnight is really only 11 o'clock. Doesn't seem the same somehow. Young people are already killing themselves while stupidly drunk. Australian youth make such a big thing about how drunk they were and brag about the wild parties with lots of bonking and chundering. I did a little bit when I was young but I hate being sick and out of control of my body. Not that my control is all that good when I am sober.

I just saw Kylie M. prancing around in a leopard print outfit. Not her best look, but it was only a glimpse so I should not judge hastily. For a superstar she seems to be a nice young person.

I suppose I will stay awake for the big event. The fireworks on Sydney Harbour are spectacular but I can't help thinking of the spectacular cost. I think our governments are using the old Roman idea. Give them lots of spectacles and they might forget what a miserable job their M's of P. are doing.

Cheers Cate, and thanks for all the fish.

Well it is 00.44 here 44 minutes into 2007. They have set off about £2m worth of fireworks, which looked oh so pretty but could have done so much more than light up the sky for ten minutes.

My son in America called to say Happy New Year strange they had several hours to go. We flew home from Florida one year on new years eve. We passed through three time zones each time the pilot would say in a very bored way. Happy New Year Florida, Happy New Year New York and then Happy New Year LOndon.

My cousin was working in a bar tonight what a good idea. She was with all her friends and being paid for it as well.

I hope that this year is going to be fantastic and it will be the year I make my mark on the world by becoming a millionaire.

If I do become a millionaire it will be all down to you. When you spoke of Zeolite it made me think and we started to sell vitamins and supplements on line. We are Natural-ingredients.co.uk.

Who knows this time next year I could be thanking you for giving me the idea that made me rich.

All I can say Cate is, I sincerely hope you have to thank me, even though I do not deserve it. I do not have an entrepreneurial bone in my body.I have a friend in the golf club who is a battler, ready to try anything to make a dollar, and I am just waiting to have my PSA tested again to see if zeolite has made any difference. I am a bit reluctant to have the test actually. I am feeling pretty good at the moment and if I find that there has been no change, or worse, that the count has gone higher, I will know that I will have to consider the medical treatments.

I have been having a severe inertia attack lately. Doing only the bare minimum to survive. I think I might be empathically affected by all the holiday people that have invaded the Peninsula. I did get around to mowing the grass, but not before all the dandelions went to seed. I will probably have a dandelion lawn next year.

I suppose the only problem with your cousin working in the bar would be that she had to stay sober while her friends got tipsy tiddly. As someone who can't drink much I can tell you that can be embarrassing sometimes. But if it is only once a year, why not enjoy.

What is wrong with a lawn full of golden dandelions. My mum used to make a fabulous home made wine with them and you can use their leaves in your salad. I also love daisies and buttercups which I am always annoyed to hear called weeds.

My husband is a bit of an entrepreneur he has come up with all sorts of ways to make our fortune. Of course we haven't actually made a fortune yet but that is beside the point.

Do you think your inertia may well be you just biding time until you have had your tests? I can understand you not wanting to take them for then you will know the worst or the best as it is not knowing is better than knowing. talk about confusing. But I hope you know what I mean. Rather like looking forward to getting a letter saying whether or not you have good news or bad. When the letter comes you don't want to open it you get butterflies and feel almost sick.

Knowing my cousin she managed to get just as tiddly as the customers. I used to be a heavy drinker and I still can feel the shame of hungover New Years Days. I am a good girl now sir, and only a small sherry touched me lips last night.

The annoying thing about dandelions is that they make it obvious that you are too lazy to mow. Otherwise I go along with the idea that a weed is a flower growing where you don't want it.

If it was not for hangovers I might have been a bit of a toper myself.
Getting drunk was the only way I could be sufficiently uninhibited enough to be more or less normal. However it was only a short snort from being happily inebriated to being hideously sick, sometimes for 24 hours. These days I cannot get even slightly happy if I want to drive. One of the cricket (sorry) commentators mentioned today that for a country that prides itself on its love of freedom, we are one of the most regulated countries you could find. 1984 is alive and thriving here. Eccentric behaviour is frowned upon and if you do anything that accidentally injures you there will be a law or by-law posted before you can turn around. I am sure the legislators think their prime purpose is to stop you having fun.

Victoria has always been known as the wowser state. In case 'wowser' is unfamiliar to you it is an adjective describing someone seriously lacking in the joy of life, who wants everyone else to be the same miserable sod as he is.
But I'm not like that. I think.

I understand people getting fed up with regulation but when you have lived in a place that is unregulated you somehow feel a little different. No I don't want a nanny state where everything I do is regulated to look after me but some regulation is not a bad thing.

For instance when we lived in the Caribbean there was no building regs and consequently people were getting ripped off big time by unscrupulous cow boy builders. I nearly got killed by a very gentle looking cooking stove which had come from America 110v and was cheerfully wired up to an English 240v. I wondered why every time I looked in the oven I was getting kicked accross the kitchen.

There are no health and safety regulations and people are getting killed and maimed. You don't have to wear a helmet when riding a motor bike, seat belts are optional and you can drink and drive, just as long as you can find the car keys.

In Canada it is very similar with the building regulations and builders are getting away with murder when they fit an ordinary light into a shower unit, the light is not earthed so if you should touch the light while you are wet, bye nice to know you died clean.

I am a bit of a rebel and often scream that I will go to prison rather than buy a tv licence yes over here you must buy a tv licence otherwise you will be fined or go to prison. Dog licence. No licence to have a child any fool it seems is ok to have a child in fact you get paid by the government a child allowance.

Keep off the Grass Humbug I say watch me skipping and hopping on the grass, not so much now with the Arthur Ritis but once upon a time I would skip and hop on all grass that was banned.

People are getting very upset because we are allowing pubs to be open all hours. Well even the most ardent drinker has to stop sometime and the people in the rest of Europe don't seem to have the drunkeness problem as we do in England.

Whether it is because I am old and knarled now I do not know but the youth seem to be getting really awful, especaially the girls who go out drink pints smoke 20 fags and swear like navvies. When they have had enough they beat each other up and have sex in bus shelters with the boy left standing.



I have to laugh I sound just like one of your wowsers.

This comes from a joke about Essex girls who are supposed to be easier than most girls. "What do Essex girls use as protection when having sex?" answer bus shelters.

Ah. Essex! The first car I drove was an Essex Super Six. A 1929 model. I am a 1929 model myself. But there was nothing very super about the Essex. My father was very tolerant in some ways and he would let me have a drive as soon as I was old enough to reach the pedals and see through the windscreen at the same time. I think I was about thirteen. There were not many police around in those days.

I suppose we do need a bit of regulation in our lives. It is a pity we have to sacrifice so many freedoms so that we may have order. It sometimes amazes me that the majority of drivers know the rules and stick to them. Once they are on foot however, anything goes. I often feel that I am invisible when walking and so many people walk straight at me. Particularly the women. I have adopted the method of standing still when I see them coming, and they either have to swerve or barge into me. I try not to be too mulish about this, but when the footpath is wide and they still want my part of it, well, after all, I am a senior citizen!

You know, it is a funny thing but I can only once remember seeing a keep off the grass sign in Melbourne. Mind you I never got around much. But you can drive hundreds of miles and never be out of sight of a barbwire fence, and all too frequent Tresspassers Prosecuted signs. How many people do you have in England? 40 or 50 million? In a country no bigger than our Victoria. And yet you have so many places where people can freely walk. And how about that bloke who walked naked from one end of the country to the other. Sure, he was arrested a few times, but here he would not have gone a hundred yards. Probably would have finished up in the loony bin.

I feel it is a bit sad to see women sinking to the level of men. It is one thing to know all the foul words and sad facts of human behaviour, but there is no need to thrust them in our faces so freely. Well, we all have different standards and we must try not to make other people be like us. The oxymoron of life is that the only constant is change, and it is just as well us oldies get out of the way and let the young march to there scungy rock music.

Ah. Essex! The first car I drove was an Essex Super Six. A 1929 model. I am a 1929 model myself. But there was nothing very super about the Essex. My father was very tolerant in some ways and he would let me have a drive as soon as I was old enough to reach the pedals and see through the windscreen at the same time. I think I was about thirteen. There were not many police around in those days.

I suppose we do need a bit of regulation in our lives. It is a pity we have to sacrifice so many freedoms so that we may have order. It sometimes amazes me that the majority of drivers know the rules and stick to them. Once they are on foot however, anything goes. I often feel that I am invisible when walking and so many people walk straight at me. Particularly the women. I have adopted the method of standing still when I see them coming, and they either have to swerve or barge into me. I try not to be too mulish about this, but when the footpath is wide and they still want my part of it, well, after all, I am a senior citizen!

You know, it is a funny thing but I can only once remember seeing a keep off the grass sign in Melbourne. Mind you I never got around much. But you can drive hundreds of miles and never be out of sight of a barbwire fence, and all too frequent Tresspassers Prosecuted signs. How many people do you have in England? 40 or 50 million? In a country no bigger than our Victoria. And yet you have so many places where people can freely walk. And how about that bloke who walked naked from one end of the country to the other. Sure, he was arrested a few times, but here he would not have gone a hundred yards. Probably would have finished up in the loony bin.

I feel it is a bit sad to see women sinking to the level of men. It is one thing to know all the foul words and sad facts of human behaviour, but there is no need to thrust them in our faces so freely. Well, we all have different standards and we must try not to make other people be like us. The oxymoron of life is that the only constant is change, and it is just as well us oldies get out of the way and let the young march to their scungy rock music.

I had to laugh at the image of you being run down by women. My husband gets so annoyed with me as I am exacatly as you describe in the supermarket. I stop dead in the middle of the isle with my trolley, while other shoppers crash into the back of me.

I smile sweetly and walk around so unconcerned while I cause mayhem behind me in fact all around me.

Now I shall be calling my best friend an Essex Super Six 1948 model my friend is rather special and Essex born and bred.

Most people I know who learned to drive on their pops knee often turned out to be the best kind of drivers its as if driving becomes second nature.

We Brits do tend to live and let live, and if it makes your kite fly to run around naked then so be it. We don't really get to emotional about nudity.

Is the barbwire fence to keep em in or keep em out. The film Barbed Wire Fence was magnificent but awe inspiring.

Remember too that the English love eccentricity so we tend to let people get away with a lot calling him a bit eccentric usually though it is the rich man who is eccentric and Bob Ordinary who goes to the loony bin.

I of course have met some truly wonderful people, while working in the loony big and have to say if that is eccentric I wanna be.

I though that everyone knew that the only good popular music was played in the sixties. Now I know that is why we get old and leave room for the new mob to as you so vividly call it scrungy rock.

Actually my taste in music is sort of non-specific. I have no idea why some music appeals to me and why some apalls me. In fact I do not listen to music much these days. I used to like a band called Focus, I even have a few of their records. But then they did an LP with a rock vocalist (it might have been Gary Glitter) and that was the last of them as far as I was concerned. A/C D/c won me once when they played in a parade in Melbourne. They were on the back of a truck and included a Scottish Piper. It may have had something to do with my Scottish ancestors but when the bagpipes started, and it fitted in beautifully, they won me.

To my shame I did not see Barb Wire Fence. Probably thought I would see it when it came on tv. But it never did. I don't often go to the movies. It is probably the only way to see a good picture, but you are trapped in a place with all sorts of nuisance people. Also as an old bloke with prostate problems I usually have to suffer the latter parts of the film. You can't appreciate a dramatic finish when all you can think of is, Gawd! When is it going to end?

My favourite in a supermarket is the woman standing contemplatively with one hand on her chin, and the other on the handle of her trolley which is on an angle and completely blocking the aisle. Yet, probably, when she gets in her car she might be a good and courteous driver.
Life is one big Chaos Theory!

Picked some apricots yesterday. It is only a young tree but it does its best. Beautiful flavour. I guess that is the only way you can eat really fresh fruit.

The one thing I miss the Caribbean for is the fruit straight from the trees. I am with you on music I like such a variety and I always get emotional when I hear bagpipes. I think it has something to do with celtic blood as so many people don't like bagpipes and think they sound like a dying animal.

There are so many films that I have seen and many I have forgotten the titles of, yet The Green Mile, The Shankshaw Redemption, Fiddler on The Roof, The Life of Brian and Harvey go along with the Barbwire Fence.

Today I went to the doctor and the results of my xray told her that I have osteoarthritis progressing. I could have told her that. She is sending me to a specialist to see about getting some new knees. With the long waiting lists for this kind of procedure I should be around 100 and getting my telegram from the queen before it happens.

My husband had to have blood tests today he had to give 5 lots which he thought was rather a lot. Then we took the dog to the vet with weepy eyes so the whole family have had health professional help today.

The compoooter is driving me mad again. Why does it go well one day then do wierd things the next? Just as well I do not have to make a living with it.

Been a bit hot lately and supposed to reach 35c today. However the forecast is usually for Melbourne. There are north winds predicted and they make Melb. hot, whereas there is 30 miles of bay between us which cools the wind a bit.

I sympathise with your arthur problems. My left hip seems to be getting worse. I dread the thought of hip replacement.The last time I had an xray the doc said he did not think I would need a new hip, but I can't remember how long ago that was. I can get about alright most of the time but bending down to pick things up is quite a performance. It will probably outlast my prostate anyway.

I don't know why I grizzle so much when there are so many people with problems that are heartbreaking. I just glanced at the tv and there was a woman with conjoined babies and it looked like they could only save one. It was a foreign language program so I do not know the the whole story, but it had to be tragic.

Coffee time then off to by more cat food. They cost more to feed than I do.

Know what you mean about the pooter, gets on your nerves. I think mine is just getting old and complains about working every day.

I noticed today that the days are getting longer it was after four in the afternoon and still quite light a good sign that the spring is just around the corner.

Went to see hubby's oldest aunt today she is 84 she showed us some really great pictures of her grandparents sitting on a beach. Her granddad had a suit, shirt, tie and waistcoat with a suit on sitting in a deck chair he had no shoes and socks on. He was with his wife also sitting in a deck chair with a heavy coat and a fur collar.

Just been watchin Dame Edna on tv she/he was being interviewed by Michael Parkinson one of our really good interviewers. He also interviewed Mohammed Ali, Frank Sinatra and many great entertainers from all over the world.

Ate fish and chips tonight for supper followed by low fat/low sugar yogurt.

There is an awful lot of suffering about in the world. We get it brought to us through our television. We should be allowed a small grizzle each day. We can't do much about the world suffering but we can make ourselves feel a little better, thereby assisting the world suffering

I,m sorry but this darling machine just wiped out a magnificent diatribe on idiot hoon drivers and the Great Horney, also known as Warne. I am all writ out for now. Bye.

Don't you hate it when that happens? The other day it happened to me twice.

The press are really having a go at Flintoff one bloke says that he couldn't even say he was sorry. We all know that if he had said sorry then they would have complained that all he could say was sorry.

My husband truly believes that we sent an unfit team to Australia, when we had young unused players we could have sent. In two years time our guys will be fit and in their prime and Horney and so many other brilliant guys won;t be playing anymore having retired.

Taking mother in law to see her other son in Liverpool tomorrow, I hope the sun shines as it will be miserable in the rain.

Ah well, hope you have more luck with your communications machine.

I think I have recovered from computer rage now. However I do feel a bit tentative about putting my deathless prose into such an uncertain medium.

It embarasses me to witness the absolute adulation of horny Warney. You would think the winning of the tests was all his doing. I always like listening to the ABC commentary, but the raving over Horney was so great one day I had to turn it off. Then came that, to me, disgusting incident when he was given not out when the ball had clearly hit his glove. I realise it is more or less accepted that the batsman should wait for the umpire's decision, but there is no way he could not know that he was guilty. It was ironic that the one man who would have walked in the same circumstances was later erroneously given out. As a golfer it disgusts me that Warne and his adulators can be happy with his subsequent score. All the above is, of course, my alleged opinion of an alleged incident and in no way reflects the opinion of the BBC or any H2G2 participants. Does that cover me?
There is so much more that comes to mind but even though I am a godless colonial I am conscious of the admonition, 'He that is without sin, let him cast the first stone.'

In two years time we will still be hard to beat. Personally I think the greatest loss will be Glenn McGrath. But I may be a little bit biased.

Today is the first day for a week that I feel comfortable wearing clothes, and the first day Kanga has got onto the bed for a nap. She really hates the hot weather.

We have had a little rain at last and I don't have to water the garden. Actually I don't have a garden, just a few plants growing amongst the wilderness. I sometimes feel guilty at my neglect, they are living things after all and may be suffering in their own way. But I feel guilty so often I sometimes think I must have Jewish blood in me. That dumb Adam bloke had to go and bite the apple and bring all this trouble on our heads.

I believe it was a pomegranate that the old chap bit into, lets face it I can't imagine too many apples growing the tropical garden of Eden.

We are not hearing too much about the cricket except that our lads are being reviled and then reviled a bit more, men who have played cricket and have been in similar situations are a little easier on Freddie like Ian Botham for instance.

Going to look at some houses tomorrow. (Monday) something so that we can extend it to put granny in a granny annexe. One house we will be looking at has five bedrooms but needs work. The other four bedrooms a cellar and is a little more exensive.

We have so much rain it drives me crazy. We have very little cover in the back of the house and the dog gets wet and muddy constantly.

On top of that he moults like made, when we brush him we get enough fur to make a second dog. I feel for kanga but then, she doesn't have to clean the house or cook her food and should spend time just lazing around that it what you expect a cat to do.