'God I'm exhausted, this is such hard work. Am I going pink yet?'

'Perhaps we should have an ice cream.'

'Are you going to get them then?'

'No I got them yesterday.'

'I think I drove you to the beach bar.'

'Drove me round the bend more like. Why do you have to take your top off for God's sake? It's not nice looking at your ageing boobs flopping round your waist, you'll never get your stomach brown in that shadow.'

'I will if I lie backwards over the lounger, and my magnificent breasts will keep the sun off my neck. You're quite wrinkly round the neck you know, blondes shouldn't have too much sun it ages them. Do you fancy a game of backgammon?'

'No it's too windy. How do you intend to play in that position anyway... with your toes? Are you sure you really want to go back to England? You're going to miss all this. Is my neck really wrinkly?'

'We've got to if the boys are going to miss the Greek army. Besides we can't afford to live here any longer, Ike doesn't work remember?'

'No Greek men work. That's what they have wives for.'

'Mmmm we do work hard don't we? Yes you are wrinkly, and your roots are dreadful. Fancy another frappe?'

'Oh all right, do you know what Spiro said to me last night?

'You mean he's actually speaking to you?'

'Well he has to really we have got two children. It was Debbie's 21^st last night. Are my roots really that bad? Spiro mentioned them too.'

'Who was there?'

'Well Amanda and Costa of course. Isn't that man just dreadful? He eats like a pig. There was a bowl of pistachio nuts on the table and I swear he didn't even shell them. How she puts up with him I'll never know. He is the most ignorant man I've ever met. He makes Leon the pig farmer look like Raffles.'

'Leon the pig farmer was very well mannered.'

'Maybe but the title always makes me think of Costa, he is dreadful isn't he? Why Spiro likes him is beyond me, and as for Amanda, an intelligent woman like that. She pays for everything you know. The new house is all her money but whose name is it in? Costa's.'

'How is Spiro doing by the way? Is he still gambling to pay for your maintenance?'

'He doesn't give me a penny. If you remember that's one of the reasons I left him.'

'Oh yes, that and the string of waitresses he was forever playing cats cradle with. I almost forgot you don't do poor. There's your frappe.'

'Pass the sun tan lotion and move over your blocking out all my sun. You are going to miss Corfu you know. I did... still do, but I've booked my flight back for Christmas.'

'Where are you going to stay? With Pam again?'

'Oh I don't know. She thinks I'm stupid for leaving Spiro and going back to England, but the girls had to be educated. Perhaps she's right I shouldn't have moved in with Adrian so quickly, but he is very sweet and he does look after me. It's all right for Pam she's loaded. Anyway I think her sister might be over at Christmas. I thought that Spiro might do the decent thing and move out of the house, it is our house after all.'

'He won't. You could always stay with Angela, she's got masses of room now.'

'Mmm I suppose so. Look at her in that bikini... she really doesn't need padding she's like a double duvet without it anyway. Did you see her grabbing her boobs and thrusting them heavenwards? What was it she was saying?'

'I've got twin peaks, I think. More like the Alps if you ask me - her stomach is like the foothills. Not that any of us can talk; apart from Pam we're all clinically obese.'

'Speak for yourself. What's she doing now?'

'Who?'

'Angela. Look she's trying to get on the lilo. She's got so much oil on she just keeps slipping straight over! Oh no the twin peaks have come off... they're half way to Paxos!'

'Does she need any help?'

'She'll be all right; Pam's out there somewhere. No she's fine, she's got the twin peaks back now she can use them as a life belt'

'What did Spiro say?'

'He asked me if I was going to get married.'

'He didn't! What did you say?'

'In case it has escaped your notice I already am.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'What are you doing?'

'Watching you watching me doing nothing.'

'Come over and have a cup of coffee and a ciggie then.'

'Right, so I can look at nobody coming into my shop from your shop?'

'Well it'll be a change of scenery.'

'Oh we look great don't we? A pair of fag ash Lils sitting on children's plastic chairs watching an empty high street. We look like a couple of Greek Grannies.'

'I think I should set up a brothel. I'm fed up with children's clothes and I like sex. I'm good at it.'

'Good heavens two policemen! Do you think we're having a crime wave in the village?'

'They're a bit like buses aren't they? You don't see one for months and then a whole station arrives. I wonder if they'd like a blow job?'

'You're disgusting you know that? They're young enough to be your children.'

'I can't help it if I like blow jobs, but you're right - they are a bit young - you'd hardly be frightened of them if you were a criminal; the one on the left looks like Harry Potter, can you believe those glasses? Perhaps I should ask them if I could set up a brothel on the high street?'

'Oh you can. As long as you're the sole trader it's perfectly legal. You'd have to black out the windows though, and I'm not sure whether you would need to apply for change of use.'

'That's no fun! I want to sit in the window like they do in Amsterdam, UV lights and pretty little thongs.'

'I have to say that doesn't conjure up a very pretty picture, you gave up waists about ten years ago and I think scaffolding may be more appropriate than thongs. Why don't you open up a sex shop? You could always offer 'extras' upstairs.'

'I don't have an upstairs.'

'Oh no, that's next door isn't it? Now that would be perfect for a sex shop. All the nice tasteful things downstairs and a bed with black sheets and bondage bits upstairs.'

'I could get the lady who makes the baby muslins to make some wipes with saucy motifs on them, for afterwards.'

'Gross.'

'God I'm hot. When do you think the weather's going to change?'

'At our age in about five years.'

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Useless Hound

04.09.03 Front Page

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