h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

As you may have heard, on October 16th 2003 the Chap Collective held a "day of action" in London, where they committed various acts of common courtesy on an unsuspecting metropolitan public.

The concept intrigued me, just what would the Guide consider to be "Gentlemanly" conduct? I am adding speechmarks, as I do not want to exclude Ladies from the discussion of modern manners.

I would guess we are most familiar with the idea of the Gentleman in connection with Edwardian and Victorian novels, as a character who doesn't exist anymore, but is this neccessarily the case? Have we changed as a culture, or do they still exist in a different form?

My tuppenthworth is as follows; a Gentleman (or Gentlewoman) should show:
* Courtesy to others, holding doors, carrying heavy bags etc.
* Respect for self and for others, not treating anyone as an inferior, but trying to make any difference irrelavent. Equally, they should not feel "one down" to anyone else.
* Charity without sermonising, the important thing is always to help the unfortunate, not to make them feel inferior for needing help in the first place.

What do the Guide researchers consider to be the Qualities of a Gentleman? Or do they feel the idea to be outmoded, if so what has replaced it?

When I hear the word 'gentleman' I usually think of Brian Johnson. After he died, the comments I heard most from people who knew him were that he never made assumptions about or said a bad thing about anyone, that he was always well turned-out, and that he was always courteous and respectful to others. I also heard it said that he answered every single letter which was sent to him, and that must have been quite a task, particularly during the Test season. I'm inclined to believe it, since I once wrote to him care of the Oval commentary box and got *two* replies - one to say that he'd lost my letter but found the SAE which I included (he sent me a sheet of commentary team autographs in lieu which I still have), and the second a few days later to reply to my original letter which he subsequently found.

I've also heard it said (by someone who was old-school upper class and went to public school in the 1920s/30s) that a gentleman is someone who is never *un*intentionally rude.

In NIBBS' post one thing really stuck out to me.

I would guess we are most familiar with the idea of the Gentleman in connection with Edwardian and Victorian novels, as a character who doesn't exist anymore, but is this neccessarily the case? Have we changed as a culture, or do they still exist in a different form?


I have had some examples of what people might call gentlemanly conduct in my life. My grandfather was an NCO in the army, never left the house unshaven and without a clean shirt on. The Methodist Minister who was a Sunday School teacher and Boys Brigade leader, always courteous and patient.

However my grandad swore like...well...like a trooper (but never in front of his mum) and my boys brigade leader was very discourteous and impatient when he heard I had vivisted a church of a different denomination.

Look at John Major, always well turned out, got to the top through hard work, cricket loving and well spoken. The most high profile native of Smethwick I know of. Its my home town.

Yet just like those other men I see as being examples of good behaviour he had his seemier side too. Even ignoring the fact that being a tory, which in my book is the equvalent of selling your soul to the devil, he was a worker for the selfish murdering capitalist coven that runs the planet, there is still the fact that he committed wanton adultery and embarresed his wife in a very public way. Not only that he was a lying hypocrite who tried to shove family values down everyone elses throats.

Of all the people I have got to know even amongst the ones who I have greatly admired for their good qualities, courteous behaviour and the effort they put into being well presented I have not known a single one who did not have feet of clay. Infact the people I admire most are the ones who are willing to admit their faults and not rely on or hide behind the front of a nice suit.

Indeed we have come to a point where as Michale Frente put it, "straight teeth in your mouth are more important than the words that come out of it." Where politicians tell us about how they intend to get everyone behaving better while they hide their own crimes and misdemeanours. Outward shows of wealth have become more important than the health of our children, while the amount we spend on designer clothes and new cars spirals the amount spent on involving children in sport plummets.

Royal sleaze did not suddenly come into existence when the tabloids started splashing it across the front pages. The working classes did not produce any number of fish wives and drunken wife beaters after the Jerry Springer show started. Both of these examples not matter how bad the behaviour involved are GOOD examples because they show us how people can really behave. The Chap collective who did their "protest" in London and the great majority of us, I would guess, are missing the point a little.

Its become just a turn of phrase but "honour amongst theives" is a perfect example of how we are shocked by any sort of good behaviour from anyone, but those we see as "toffs", another good example is "poor but honest". Why is the "BUT" in there are the people who coin that phrase amazed that anyone not in tailor made clothes and who doesnt have a second home in the country might be able to behave honourably?

The fact is that a great deal of Gentlemen of the Victorian and Edwardian period were no deiiferent in their nature to you and I. No worse and no better.

When a beggars asks "Can you spare anychange please?" do we want them removed from our streets or do we point out to our children that he or she is being polite because they said please? Most often we are impolite and just ignore them.

I actually like NIBBS' suggestions for courteous, "gentlemanly" behavior, but it makes me really angry when people assume that epolple in nice suits, who speak "proper" and know which spoon is for soup are some how inately more gentlemanly than anyone else.

BlickyBadger, i agree, dress sense and turnout have nothing to do with (or with not) being a gentleman. It is all about attitude, courtesy, putting the other first out of politeness and consideration that others needs are at least equal with ones own. I personally hold such conduct as a goal to which I aspire, i know I am a long way short. The thing is so often these days, an offer of help is seen as a criticism of weakness. The idea that someone might help you because they can see that 2 people would make a job easier than 1 doesn't seem to arise. I helped single parents with push chairs get them up and down long flights of stairs with everyone looking at me gone out. Similarly helping people on trains with heavy baggage. But also not pushing and shoving to be first on the train or bus, generally not pushing oneself to the forefront and shoving your existence in the face of others.

Quiet consideration, but that went out the window in the 80's really, modern lad culture and soforth.

I actually had a friends girlfriend look surprised when I walked her home for him and, purely out of habit, ensured I was walking on the outside of the pavement nearest the road.

A kindly woman once helped me when one of my ex-girlfriends dogs had slipped its lead on the busy high street. I thanked her profusly out of courtesy and normal gratitude for her help but also because my ex worshipped those dogs and no matter what the circumstances my ass aould have been in the mincer had anything happened to them.

The woman simply said, "A moments help outweighs a lifetimes pity"

"A moments help outweighs a lifetime’s pity" what a charming statement.

I think Gentlemanly conduct still exists, it is just that no one class no has a lock on it and it is something you deliberately choose to do, rather than being expected to.

This makes proper gentlemanly or ladylike conduct even more impressive.

My suggestion for proper conduct - offer a towel to all who need it.

Just a wee point. My partner and I do try to be as polite as we can, always helping with pushchairs and heavy bags and holding doors and picking up people's dropped change (AND giving it back to them, I hasten to add) and if we have no spare change, saying 'I'm sorry, I haven't got any change' rather than ignoring people (I know homeless people and beggars appreciate this. They like to know they are still human in other people's eyes even if they don't get fifty p).

However, while it is considered mildly eccentric but charming for me to be polite (I am female) my poor (male) partner finds a lot of people regard him with deep suspicion. When he offered to help a lady with her pushchair the other day, she said "NO!" as if he'd offered to steal the baby. When she saw he was with me, she apologised and we both helped her. Similarly, if I see a kid fall down in the park I run over and see if I can help and find Mum or Dad etc. If partner and I are together we both run and help. But he says if he's alone he wouldn't dare approach a child, even a hurt one, for fear of the parents lynching him for a suspected paedophile.

My point being, the media has lead us to believe all males, especially youngish unaccompanied ones, can't possibly be anything but dangerous predators. Trying to be a gentleman becomes a very thankless and trying task under the circumstances. So when you see some chap carefully minding his own business as you struggle past with eighteen bags of shopping and four swing doors to get through, it may well be because some terrified half-wit screamed the place down last time he tried to offer assistance. 99% of men are decent chaps but aren't allowed to be because the gutter press and sensationalising news reports and general hysterics have trained him into maintaining strict indifference.

I think it would be for the best if these chaps put their best brave hats on and went out in the world determined to be gentlemen and though it might be tough at first, together we can change the world etc etc . Anything to prove the tabloids wrong.

Good point - but there's also the trouble with ultra-feminists.

They're not terrified, oh no, but agressively determined to cope on their own. I've seen this kind of behaviour, where men have been thoroughly and loudly, in no uncertain words, told off for offering their help. 'I CAN MANAGE!'

A pity, I think. I myself have been spoilt by having been surrounded by gentlemen for years, and I get very grumpy whenever a male lets go of a door right in my face!

Hello, my name is Titania, and I'm a grum (and a proud member of P.U.D.D.I.N.G.)

Good points from both of you. In other circumstances, there is yet another problem - some females see it is a subtle sign you like them or wish to get their attention by leaping to their aid.

In most cases however it is just a gentleman being kind and offering a little help to all ladies, regardless of their attractiveness.

We were at a bowling plex (what is a plex anyway?).

One of the women on the next alley had left her handbag on the seat. They had gone to some tables near by to eat some food, but I could not see this. I picked up the handbag and asked the rest of the peole with me if they had seen where the other people had gone the next thing I knew this woman was snatching the handbag out of my hand.

Is there a word for partly emabarraseed and partly angry?

Maybe if Id have been wearing a tweed three peice suit and looked more respectable she would have taken my actions in the spirit in which they were intended.

Not sure what the word should be embarrgry? Angressed?

Bad luck about the incident at the plex. Another person who doesn't realise a gentleman's good intentions.

It is one of the pitfalls of politeness: the bag that doesn't need to be found, the door that shouldn't be opened, the parcel you must not carry...

I think part of the problem with embangry lady is that she knew darn well she had done something silly and that she was very lucky you found it rather than Mr Handbag Thief. People aren't brought up to be grateful, in fact, I know many otherwise perfectly decent people who feel very resentful when circumstances require them to be grateful. Embarrassment and anger with the person making them feel embarrassed are common enough reactions. I think some parents make their children feel guilty for needing help and/or things, and others make their children feel the world owes them, so any indication that they have to be a wee bit more thoughtful and careful massively wounds their god-like but brittle pride.

I'd like to assure you that not all people are like that though. Me for a start. When I left my mobile phone on a cafe table the guy at the next table chased me half-way down the street with it despite needing a walking stick and I was so grateful I went back to the cafe with him and bought him a lemonade.

Hello all,

Thanks for the replies. It is good to read I'm not alone in holding doors (and being glared at suspiciously for it).

As Blickybadger points out, it isn't dress or tone of voice. "One of nature's gentlemen" is a phrase I heard describe my Grandfather, who was a Building site foreman, and would never call a spade a spade if he could swear at it instead. Right action is the important thing.

However, people do judge from appearances. I have seen both sides, having been a Punk in my past, and now a respectable man in a suit. My standards and actions didn't change, but how they were received did. I am obviously respectable, therefore it is less suspicious for me to be polite. The most flagrant liars I have met have all looked respectable, but put a tie on and you are obviously a sound fellow.

I suppose it is laziness which is the root of the "bad behaviour" we are all decrying, it being easier to "look after number one" and forget all others, than it is to consider how life might be incrementally more pleasant for all concerned with a bit of thought.

Expedience, or "business efficiency" as it is called is lauded, so the people who can do the unthinkable succeed. With a commensurate "little death" in civil life for every action taken. Treat people like you expect them to be criminals, and those who are only find it easier to hide. A Gated Community only makes the resident more vulnerable from their isolation from the rest of their neighbourhood.

I suppose this, unlike many "political" things, is something we can do something about now. We don't need a demo to go out an just be "Gentle" to people. We don't need special kit, and what's more we don't need an excuse.

Hmmmm.
What is a gentleman?
1 Someone who makes others lives easier?
2 Someone who is polite?
3 Someone who abides traditional rules of chivialry?
4 Someone who looks the part?
I generally try to be 1 without 2, 3 or 4. I don't think theres anyone who would call me a gentleman by any strech of the imagination, but then i'm not sure I want to be one.
I know what you mean by the criminalisation of the young male people. I have a tendancy to talk to strangers and normally are recieved quite well - though I have noticed a tendancy amoung young women (and this is a tendancy not a rule) to run screaming for the hills if I show that I've registered their existance.
I think you should hold a door if there's someone right behind you and I feel that you should definately tell someone if they've left a bag behind (someone managed to stop me leaving a return ticket to london behind and I am very greatfull, I wouldn't want to make people feel bad about letting me know these things for the world) but surely some things like walking on the outside of a street are a bit outdated?
*Takes cover*

On a side note I'm seeing a few names I don't recognise from the forum, nice to see new people wondering by

Greetings all, and thank you, His Nibbs, for the invitation. I've been posting in the Peer Review section.

Yes, young punks have a bad image...but I don't think I've spoken to any 'young punk' strangers that did not have an essentially good heart. It's lamentable that some people who turn themselves out well, can be so disappointing in their demeanour.

My image? Long-haired, bearded, cutoffs, sandals, greying (pushing 50 very close)...I served in the USAF for 20 years, so that's definitely a departure. If I had a beer-belly and tattoos, I'd fit comfortably in any biker-bar in the world.

I don't mind being called 'fool'. Steven is my given name. The 'foolish mortal' bit is an excellent device for me, to keep my Leonine ego in check.

There's a part of me, at some level of my psyche, which is an Aristocrat. It occurs to me that every human soul has an Aristocrat in there, somewhere. My joy in dealing with people involves connecting with the quiet Aristocrat. (The blatant ones are easily enough avoided. I'd like to think that this is my only prejudice.)

The protocols of cultured behaviour have taken a beating everywhere. There's so very little trust, so much suspicion and fear, and an overwhelming amount of self-centredness prevailing. It's miserable that a well-meant gallant gesture can be construed as, say, a sexual advance. In one of the workplace 'sexual harassment' seminars I attended, it was said that even maintaining eye-contact too long (a few seconds) is Bad. Sheesh. Gimme a break. But of course, if a lady is being scutinized by a scruffy wild man (heh), I guess it'd stand to reason that she'd be...uncomfortable. It can be a real challenge to assuage the nervous temperaments...

Lord Chesterfield once said "A Gentleman should never cause pain."

If that's it, it's easier than I was thinking it would ever be. I would guess most of us bumble along without causing pain (real or imagined) pretty much all of the time.

Unless it is a gnomic incitement to think of the nth degree repercussions of our actions. "If I buy the last cake, someone else will be upset that they didn't get it." and so by degrees we arrive at pain being caused. but then life becomes impossible, any decision paralysed whilst an idea of the pain it will cause is calculated. Which is an nth degree repercussion in itself.

I was reading a book on business strategy earlier (I know, down these mean streets a man must go) which lauded the moral expedience I was having a go at yesterday. It recommended hiring consultants to do the nasty stuff to employees, so the Manager could keep his hands clean. This is surely more offensive than being rude in itself, hiding behind a hireling to do an unpleasant task for you.

Would the Gentleman-Manager do the lesser evil, in such a way as to maintain gentlemanly standards and yet still obtain the advantage of the lesser evil itself?

A gentleman can, and should do any unpleasant task, so long as they do it with dignity.

Cheers Brendan

Pretty much how I thought it too.

"As long as you don't enjoy it" flashed across my mind too, but I put that down to Anglican Guilt.

Which did more damage to "gentlemanly" conduct - the 60-70s or the 80s? Well I'd say the 60-70s didn't help - getting rid of stifling social conventions was good but the baby got thrown out with the bathwater. However the real killer was the 80s (TBW) -greed and consumerism were all that mattered and anything that got in the way, like caring for other people was just for weaklings and failures. I'd say caring about and helping others are the essence of gentility (nice gender unspecific word for those of you who care about such things), but a little common courtesy doesn't do any harm.

I like to think of myself as a gentlewoman. And - are you kiddin? - I adore it when people open doors or help me carry things.

I live in Seville, which is constantly full of tourists. And where I live, in the old centre of town, the streets are a labyrinth. So I constantly come across lost tourists frantically trying to figure out where they are on their maps and I always help them out. Which I think is rather nice of me!

But sometimes people either don't want or don't appreciate my help. This makes me feel bad and a bit shy about offering to help the next lost tourist I come across.

And possibly if I were a man I would hesitate to help them at all lest they thought I was trying to rob them.

az