The Story of H2G2's Longest Journal Entry (possibly)

It all started fairly innocuously ..... a small journal entry made by a bored H2G2 researcher on the evening of January 20th 2002. Little was he to realise what this would lead to and how it would turn his very existance upside down. Previously a mild mannered member of the community (we should quickly pass over any tricky questions about Cats or Muses) the consequences of that posting would reverberate for months and lead Red Dog into multiple attempts at thread-murder. He has become convinced that the Journal entry is not being true to it's ephemeral nature and has far exceeded it's natural time - it is a cancer and needs to be eradicated and that he is the Dog to do it. Lock and load !

So how did this all come about ?

A little bit of Thread History

The original journal entry was a fairly innocuous one which stated "One journal entry in a whole year seemed a little pathetic so at a stroke I have doubled the number. I may have to lie down for a while now.
"

The motivation behind this posting was a simple one - two years into his tenure on HooToo and our hero had made one lousy journal entry! The consequences of his second posting were to have lasting repercussions on the lives of several other researchers who would be drawn slowly but surely into the developing conflict.

The saga did however start somewhat slowly and the journal entry followed a normal (and somewhat predictable) course.

• By posting 81 the thread had naturally expired and no postings had been made for several days.
• Posting 82 was a turning point - Red Dog placed a dust sheet over the quietly expiring thread and by Posting 97 expressed a desire to see the thread ex’d to the few remaining visitors to this journal entry.
• The explosion of interest and uproar that this simple action caused had, by Posting 310, made the thread the most updated conversation in the whole of HooToo. Red Dog was becoming increasingly desperate (and some would say more that a little unhinged by the events happening on his journal.
• By this time Red Dog had embarked on a systematic attempt to kill the thread by means most foul but was thwarted almost every time by a bunch of dedicated (and some would say badly deluded) zealots.
• Posting 1000 was made despite Red Dog placing wedges under the thread, nailing the last posting to the frames, erecting a large and substantial barrier, standing infront of thread wearing a t-shirt with the word HALT on it and as a last ditch effort raising his paw, placing a determined look on his face and shouting "STOP". It was all to no avail and the gallant Lone Researcher was overwhelmed by the forces of darkness once again.
• Posting 2000 was reached 18 months after the original entry despite Red Dogs best attempts to stop it.
• Our hero can be found at the 2000 posting party quietly drowning his sorrows, moaning a bit, contemplating where he goes from here and is presently considering the dreadful fact that the thread might indeed be immortal !

Fings wot we ‘ave tried already to get rid of this cursed thread

The 1st Attempt - The Bolt Gun

Postings 97 to 110

Attempted a mercy killing using a DEFRA Bolt Gun provided by Queex Quimwrangler. Thwarted by Saturn Girl using the old “don’t look over your shoulder right now” routine. Note to self: Don't fall for cliches again.

The 2nd Attempt - Hiding it

Postings 113 to 114

Attempted to hide thread by hiding it under a dust sheet. Thwarted by Saturn Girl setting fire to the sheet. Note to self: Need to be a bit less obvious.

The 3rd Attempt - Lethal Injection

Postings 129 to 133

Attempted thread murder using a very large hypodermic filled with something awful. Thwarted by myself (don’t ask). Note to self: Purge from memory at earliest possible opportunity.

The 4th Attempt - Kidnapping

Postings 181 to 186

Attempted abscondment with the thread using the services of ACME Thread-Busters. Thwarted by Garius Lupus who forced the removal van off the road. Note to self: Watch Garius Lupus - a clever and devious opponent.

The 5th Attempt - Strangulation

Postings 188 to 195

Attempted thread murder by manual asphyxiation. Thwarted by Rambling who brought the thread back from the dead as a ghostly thread. Note to self: a close call this time. Actually killed the thread despite several researchers attempts to prise my thumbs of steel off it's throat. Did not anticipate reincarnation.

The 6th Attempt - Diversion

Postings 234 to 260

Attempted to lure do-gooders off thread by use of a cunning plan. Thwarted by Garius Lupus grassing on me. Note to self: a sly and subtle plot once again ruined by the tricky and alert Garius Lupus.

The 7th Attempt - Necromancy

Postings 330 to 363

Attempted thread destruction by recruiting a legion of the Damned composed of Warrior Monks pledged to my cause, A whole clan of angry Mountain Ogres, Dust devils from underneath I'm Still Thinkings bed, Monsters from the dungeons of the Haunted Castle, A mixed bunch of the undead, Rank upon rank of practioners of the dark arts, a combat air patrol of F-19 brooms, vampire bats and aliens, and some weird things I found lurking in Uncle Heavy's closet. Note to self: Had high hopes for this one but was thwarted once again by Garius Lupus and his so called friends !.

The 8th Attempt - Democratic Appeal

Postings 420 to 420

Attempted to raise a petition to ban the thread. Thwarted by a lack of political awareness and poor voter turnout. Note to self: poor voter turnout scuppered this promising attempt.

The 9th Attempt - The Yar Plan

Postings 479 to Present

Invested hopes in YK’s ability to bore the pants off the remaining participants in the convo. Note to self: Still waiting on this one to kick in – a bit of a slow burner.

The 10th Attempt - Hypnosis

Postings 649 to 668

I started to gently swing a watch to and fro in a calm hypnotic manner. Gentle music was heard wafting in and thoughts started to turn to favourite places - dappled sunlight filtering from woodland on a summers day, corn waving gently in the breeze, swallows dipping in the wind, all was well and peaceful and calm. The do-gooders became very, very relaxed. So relaxed they did not notice that they were one of last few researchers posting on the thread. All they could think of was going to their favourite place and not returning to the thread. Going to their favourite place was the thing they wanted to do most in the world and being there would give them the greatest of all pleasures. Being on the thread was not pleasureable but they knew that if they went to their favourite place and not return then all would be well. They no longer cared about the thread only about the fulfilment and pleasure they would have when they left. They realised that I was right all along and they couldn’t understand why they didn't trust me before. They knew that I was helping them to go to their favourite places and that all I had was their best interests in mind. They felt surges of gratitude towards me and wanted to please me by going and not coming back to the thread. They fell into a deeper and deeper sleep and knew what to do when they awoke, they knew what to do when they awoke and they woke when I clicked my fingers. When they heard my fingers click they were supposed to remember nothing and leave the thread immediately never to return. They were supposed to ignore any entreaties of their friends for they know nothing and do not understand why this thread must die. All this they were supposed to know without question. At a count of three they were to have awoke and know what to do, and were not to be alarmed if anyone else leaves with them and they were supposed to ignore anyone who tries to stop them leaving. Red Dog was your only friend and only Red Dog knew what is best for you.

Thwarted because of selected deafness and some researchers thinking the thread was their happiest place. Note to self: a lot of effort for little return save that I no longer have a craving for cigarettes ..... curious as I have never smoked.

The 11th Attempt - Mercenary Mayhem

Postings 670 to 695

Hired the “Best of the Best” of the H2G2 warriors but was thwarted by a previous attempt which had turned the thread into a ghost. Note to self: Mercs not up to the task - too easily bribed by the opposition.

The 12th Attempt - The Filibuster

Postings 707 to 711

Using Huey Long as an example I attempted to talk the thread to death. Not successful due to Saturn Girl sprinkling hot pepper and Tabasco sauce on my tongue. Note to self: watch SG closely.

The 13th Attempt - A Tragic Illness

Postings 764 to 774

I hoped against hope that the thread had come down with something nasty. Sadly it proved to be in rude health. Another failure and I was foiled by an attack of Christian Zealots and orally administered Chicken Soup once again provided by Garius Lupus. Note to self: I warned you about Garius Lupus.

The 14th Attempt - The Anti-Thread Bomb

Postings 1360 to 1361

After a lengthy interegnum know as The Nurse Betty Years we returned to the task of finishing off the cursed thread. Armed with an anti-journal bomb I slipped into the story only to be thwarted by not writing a much needed bomb fuse into the script.Note to self: attention to detail needed at all times.

The 15th Attempt - The Dust Sheet 2

Postings 1456 to 1482

Hoping to find them off-guard I returned to the original ploy of placing a dust sheet over the thread only to find the sheet quickly stolen and hidden by Saturn Girl and the remaining zealots reaffirm their conviction to keep posting. Note to self: Don't give up - third time lucky perhaps ?

The 16th Attempt - Sapping the Enemy's Morale

Postings 1483 to 1492

Using heavy sarcasm I attempted to wear down the enemy's resistance forcing them to face up to the inevitability of their demise and to give up and go home. Note to self: despite a temporary setback I feel this approach to have had some merit.

The 17th Attempt - Appealing to their Conscience

Postings 1497 to 1500

By pretending that the noise was upsetting the neighbours I hoped to appeal to their sense of proper behaviour only to find that they didn't have one. Note to self: must stop over-estimating enemy's capabilities.

The 18th Attempt - The Great ignore-them-and-they-will-go-away-ploy

Postings 1500 to 2781

Pretending that they didn't exist and ignoring all postings was in hindsight largely a waste of time. Eventually Apollo stumbled the essence of the plan (as in even a blind hog manages to stumble into a vegetable patch once in a while). Note to self: must stop timewasting and find a way to finish off the thread. Maybe, just maybe the next plan will work.