h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I was shown your journal entry by Ben yesterday.

I was very moved by it because I had an abortion about ten years ago - I was 35 at the time. I didn't want to have the abortion but it turned out that my uterus was in a very bad state - lots of fibroids. So to continue with the pregnancy would have put my life in danger.

I had this done in Spain. I am very suprised that you had to go through physical pain. I was given a light epidermal. I also cried my heart out during the whole procedure, needed three doctors in the end. One to do the job, one to hold me down and one to stroke my head and my massage my hands. Well, to be honest, I was totally hysterical, but as I say, the doctors were very caring.

It was not necessary for you to also go through physical pain - I am quite appalled about that.

What about afterwards? Sorry, but I am not sure exactly when you had the abortion. Was is recently? After mine I got amazing cramps and could barely walk. And I had no emotional support from my boyfriend at the time - though he did pay for the abortion. Whoop-de-doo. Also, I had to keep working, so found myself walking down the street holding onto the walls of buildings because the cramps were so bad, because I had to go out and teach my classes. But when I wasn't teaching I stayed in bed and at least had my cat for company. She is normally a totally cranky beast, but somehow she knew I wasn't well and would NOT leave my side, bless her furry little heart.

From your description of your abortion experience, I think I experienced much the same without the pain (this still pisses me off! you should *not* have had to have pain). And, at least for me, it remains the saddest day of my life. Don't get me wrong. I know lots of women who have opted for abortions and I agree that it is only the choice of the woman to make. But it left me emotionally wasted, to be honest. I'm not even sure that ten years later I have actually 'got over' it, you know?

Well, just thought I'd stop in and say my bit. And if you'd ever like to talk about this, then I wouldn't mind that at all.

Did you have to wear plastic bags on your feet? I did. Talk about feeling pathetic. My only very fond memory out of that horror was the doctor who was brought in to calm me down. He was Jamaican and as he massaged my hands (which were totally clenched tight) he sang softly in my ear - No Woman No Cry. He was also the one who walked me out to the car afterwards, with his big strong arm around me - my boyfriend was totally useless. I will love that guy forever.

Anyhow, I am here if you'd like to talk.

much love,
azahar

Thank you for saying something. It made me cry. It probably shouldn't have, but then im such a mess right now I don't know what to do or say.

I had the termination 7 weeks ago today at 9.30 in the morning. I was in a different position from you because I didn't want a child. I can't. I want to go to university and live my life. I didnt want to leave my boy with that responsibility, i didnt want to hear my mother's anger (she doesnt know. None of my family do. The only adults who know are my tutors at school and the doctor).

The nurse said that differnt people have different dgrees of pain. There were several procedures I could have had, but because I did it secretly from my family I wanted to stay conscience. I went straight back to school afterwards, and slept in my common room for the rest of the day. The went home on the bus so no1 need know. This must sound terrible to you that i need to keep it from my family. One day i will tell them, but just now i cant. Anyway, they gave me a local anesthetic, but it didnt help much and they drugged me up with painkillers afterwards... it didn't kill me, so however it was done I'm greatful. They didnt do it like they do in China - without any anesthetic. There, when the woman passes out, that is the point that they know it was successful.

I wouldn't say i was hysterical. I didnt breath properly and I went into alot of shock afterwards. Shaking dramatically for about an hour afterwards. The cramps werent bad like yours, but that may be because i had alot of nurofen afterwards.

Like i said in hte article I didnt get much support from dan. We're still together and there's no plans to break up because i try and avoid the issue with him. He's not really mature enough to understand it and so he makes jokes to try and lighten the situation. I think he's shocked because i keep breaking down into tears. He's never seen me cry before this, but now he sees it alot. I was ok for the first week. Possibly because there was only a week before finding out and having it done. I didnt want dan there and i wanted to sort it quickly without him being hassled. I regret that, becasue he doesnt understand having not been a part of it. Anyway, i think i didnt really understand for the first week. Then i went to scotland and broke down practically everyday. I'm just glad my mum wasnt around. I was glad I was there and not here.

My teachers told me it was something I'd probably think about everyday for the rest of my life and in that respect I wouldn't get over it. Im not sure what to expect. I was already depressed before hand and this made me quite alot worse. I'll take each day as it comes and muddle through it all.

I didn't have to wear plastic bags, no. The people there were really nice and it was in a small house you would never have guessed from the outside. I was scared i would be judged badly by them, but they made it easier.

My best girlfriend went with me, like i said. She gave me a huge lollypop afterwards. It felt like such an ironc statement of childhood. Becasue really that's all I am. A child.

Thanks for saying hello. I'd like it if we talked some more, i dont really know anyone who has had all this, and it scares me being on my own. People know but they dont understand so well and i feel lonely.

lots of love
Gene x

hi again,

I'm glad you got back in touch. I was a bit concerned that you might have found my posting a bit intrusive. Anyhow. Glad you didn't. Well, just so you know, I am usually here on hootoo anytime you'd like to talk, okay?

So, patron saint of kittens, eh? I have three of the pointy eared angels myself. Don't know what I'd do without them.

Yeah well, women have abortions for all sorts of reasons. The reason is not really important, as far as I'm concerned. The being able to get proper and safe medical care is the most important initial thing. And after that, well, one has to heal.

It sounds like you are physically on the mend now. That's good. But all the crying stuff - give yourself a break. Totally normal. Your body has gone through quite a major trauma. It'll take up to a few months before things settle down again, both physically and emotionally. Okay?

>>This must sound terrible to you that i need to keep it from my family.<<

It actually only sounds a bit sad that your family haven't made you feel confident enough that you could trust them with such an important thing like this.

>>My teachers told me it was something I'd probably think about everyday for the rest of my life and in that respect I wouldn't get over it.<<

Yeah well, f*ck them. That sounds almost like a curse. I think I told you that several years later I am probably still not 'over it' but I certainly don't carry this around with me *every day of my life* like a heavy chain around my neck. I do not think about this every day. I don't see the point. And anyhow, I do not feel guilty about this - only sad. And I'm sure that is how you feel too. But that is a normal way to feel. If you didn't feel anything at all I might wonder about you . . . on the other hand, it also does no good to dwell on bad feelings. This has happened. You are now healing. Time to think a bit more about your present and future.

But yeah, it's only been seven weeks. Probably you will feel haunted by this for awhile - how long is personal, there are no rules about that. But please don't feel alone. You can talk to me anytime you like, okay? If that helps. And don't worry - I know all about 'afraid'. So your fears won't scare me. Just say whatever you like or want or need.

I'll be right here.


az

I tend not to find things intrusive. If i wasnt prepared to talk about it i wouldn't post it up here. So no concerns about that. Thanks for the offer for letting me talk... will probs take you up on it. I hope we can be friends.

Patron Saint of Kittens... lol. I have a vvvv old cat called kelly. She's adorable. I seem to have an odd way with cats. I attract them. I love them. The Patron Saint bit is coz my real name is the name of the Patron Saint of Paris. Kelly - she's been a fantastic help. Don't you love the way tey curl up and listen to you no matter what. She knows more about me than i do, im sure.

You ay not want to know this, but right now im in a strange up mood. My first proper period since has just started and its such a relief.

Okay... a few months, i can get through that. Im just glad im not doing this through my exams... What was it like for you afterwards?

It's not that i can't trust my family with this. It's just they would be disappointed in me. They have this wonderful way of making me feel like i've failed and that would have made me feel worse. Also, my mum doesn't believe in it. She thinks its wrong.

So how do you mean that you don't think you're over it? Excuse me if im too forward and ask things you'd rather not talk about. What did people say to you afterwards?

Several of my friends have chosen to no longer be friends with me. I can accept that because i guess it just shows their shallow. But it still hurts. You said you're b/f gave no supposrt... What happened? Did you break up?

I'm sorry if I'm prying to much, if i am then tell me and i can back down abit. Otherwise, thank you for being s nice about this.

Gene xx

Nice hearing from you again. Yes, I also hope we can be friends, though it feels a bit like we already are.

And I honestly don't mind any of your questions.

Let's see, you asked me why I am still not over it. Well, I think because I didn't actually want to have the abortion. I was 36 and just thought, well okay, time for a kid. Then I had to terminate because of the fibroids. I have since had a hysterectomy because my uterus was in such bad shape. Anyhow, for the few short weeks I was pregnant I really fell in love with the little being growing inside me. I was surprised at that. Anyhow, that's my reason. I didn't feel guilty for having the abortion but I was angry with myself for not having been more responsible about check-ups because I didn't know until it was too late that I couldn't go through with a full-term pregnancy. So, it's just a sad thing for me, really.

That is so crap about certain friends no longer speaking to you. Well, f**k them. Just shows they weren't real friends to begin with and you are better off knowing that and not having people like that in your life. Don't let this hurt you. Just forget them - they don't sound like they are worth it at all.

And since you already know that your mother won't be sympathetic and might even try to make you feel bad, well, you probably never need to tell her. Again, too bad for her. She will miss sharing something with you that was very important.

Nobody I knew said anything negative to me about my decision. If anyone had they would now be on my list of persons who no longer exist. I also didn't tell my parents, but that's more because I am not very close with my family. I did tell my sister when I first got pregnant and about what the doctors were telling me here - she got hysterical and told me NOT to go through with the pregnancy. Then, because I had seen two different doctors here and had got two very different opinions (well, one had a picture of the Pope on his wall, so you can imagine what he said - basically he was prepared to let me die as long as I didn't have an abortion - b*stard!) I called my old family doctor in Toronto. And he said to me - 'Are you totally nuts? Do you want to die like a stuck pig on the operating table, bleeding to death? Don't do this, I beg of you!' Which more or less helped me decide. Good ole Dr. Paul, not one to pull punches, but in the end he probably saved my life.

Well, now that you have had your first period since the abortion your body is getting back to normal. Physically you are going to be totally fine. As for emotionally, this might take time. As I said before, any sort of operation puts a lot of stress on the body and this results in some emotional upheaval. It won't last, okay? So when you need to cry, just go for it.

How are things with your boyfriend now? Yes, I did break up with my boyfriend afterwards, but to be honest, even if I had had the baby I would not have stayed with him. We were not actually in love with each other.

I have a good cat story for you - maybe I already told you? Well, when I was living in Salamanca (where I had the abortion) I had one cat that I had adopted because her owners wanted to get rid of her because the woman was pregnant (weird, but a lot of Spanish people think like this). Anyhow, I adopted this cat Lua when she was two years old and found out that she was the crankiest thing on four paws. So unfriendly, not affectionate AT ALL. Didn't even like me touching her. And I thought - oh great. Now I am stuck with this horrible animal.

But when I came back from having the abortion and was in such pain (they had given me these drugs to make the womb contract and it made it almost impossible for me to stand up). So when I wasn't having to teach my classes I stayed in bed. And that Lua! Can I tell you - she would not leave my side for even one second! If I went to the bathroom or into the kitchen to make a cup of tea - there was Lua, following me around. When I got back into bed - Lua again. Sitting next to my head and just staring at me. You see, she knew I wasn't well. She even started snuggling up with me when I was asleep, draping her body over my neck, bless her. So I decided that she wasn't such a bad old thing after all.

Later on I mated her with a Burman male (Lua is Siamese) and we had four gorgeous kittens, one of which I kept. His name is Sunny and he - luckily - takes after his father. Very laid back, soooooo affectionate, really more of a dog than a cat. And later, when I moved to Sevilla I took in a street cat who had had his front leg broken by someone who had tried to kill him. I called him Azar, which means luck or happenstance in Spanish. His front leg is still bent like a hockey stick but he is so gorgeous. Jet black with yellow eyes and the biggest ears ever. This is my cat family. Lua is now 13 and still as cranky as ever. But I will always always love her for that week she tried to take care of me. Bless her furry little heart.

So I think I am rambling on a bit here. Bad habit of mine. So time to love you and leave you. But looking forward to hearing from you again soon.

your friend,
az

Helloooo

Would you ever think of adopting then? Did you know before you got pregnant that you would endaged your life? I only knew for a week so i didnt have time to fall in love with it. I've gotten attached to what might have been since though.

Hell, i knew they werent good friends, but thats something ive never had a problem with. If friends arent being friends i can normally love and leave. It was harder to accept their reason this time, but its not gotten me as much as it could have.

I love my mum, dont get me wrong, and my family, but it could never work if i told her, and i'd lose the closeness we have now. Odd really.

Im glad your old doc told you that. It sounds so stupid, but i guess you have to be selfish to yourself right?

I feel like i'll be goin back to school in september still crying. I've had the summer to get to grips with it, i thought that'd be it, but now im not seeing an end to it all. Physically im ok, i know that. Just like last night i wanted to start selfharm all over again... i used to do that. I haven't for 43 weeks now. Aiming for a year before ive officially quit.

Me and dan are ok. We arent talking about it. Infact, we avoid it. When i need to talk i go to Matthew my best friend. I know its not ideal. He talks to his mates and i talk to mine, but fundamentally, we're not going to last forever, another year at the most coz then i go to uni. I want to keep everything comfy so atleast we'll be friends.

That sounds lovely about your cat. Its true though - they have a 6th sense and know when you need comforting. I dont know where id be without kelly. She's 17 too. 6weeks older than i am, ive never known a tyme without her...

Lots of
x

I think it's amazing that you have a cat that's older than you! My cat Sunny turned 10 today. Yeah, don't know what I'd do without the ole furballs.

I've never thought about adoption because since the abortion I've never been in a long-term, stable relationship. And well, hard enough to keep me and the beasts fed. But really, it's not something I think about much. Hardly ever, in fact.

What self-harm were you talking about? And what made you stop?

Also, it was curious when you said:

>>It sounds so stupid, but i guess you have to be selfish to yourself right? <<

I am quite sure that I don't use or think of the word selfish in the same way most people do. For example, I don't think that it is (usually) a negative word. Because unless we are able to take good care of ourselves then what will we have to offer the world? Being 'selfish' doesn't mean you don't care about others, or that even you care about yourself more than others, it's more the practical stance (at least this is the way I see it) of making sure you are living the sort of life that will make some sort of difference. And this is usually life that has personal meaning. And so if you can get that happening then - I think - you will find you are having a positive influence on the people and the world around you.

I don't doubt that you love your parents. Well, perhaps one day you will tell them about the abortion. Perhaps never. Do you think this is important?

Must go and feed the beasts now - talk to you soon.

kissitos,
az

Well, kelly is a ginger furball really... she sleeps alot and eats alot and molts alot and makes me sneeze, but i cant fault her... She's one of my best friends... *purrrrrrrrrrrs* Happy birthday sunny!!!!

I wuldn't mind adopting. Its something i've always wanted to do. Maybe coz i sometimes have more lovefor other people than for my family. It might just be coz of my previous clinical depression that causes that though. I remember this time about 5 years ago, i was in Salzburg on holiday with my parents and there was a man about 35 trying to walk down the street but he couldnt very well because he was shaking so much. He looked so unhappy. Thats the first time i felt my heart break and i'll never forget it.

Self-harm.... well, i have a number of forms of depression, not caused by the termination. I was diagnosed with SAD and clinical depression about 4 years ago. Alot of things upset me and I'd start to cry at alot of things, ie when my cat liked my fingers, i'd start to cry coz i felt it symbolised a major loss of innocence and made me feel lonely and alsorts of othery things. Alot of my friends were self harming at the tim too, and i guess i felt so bad that i tried it. I started to cut to die after a while though. I went through a really bad time with it. Then my boy asked me out and it scared him so he asked me to stop. I guess i stopped for him. And my best friend Matthew, coz we chose to stop together.

I'm liking your thoughts on selfishness... i wish every one thought of it like that....

Anyway, Im about to be timed out (im in the library)

so, speak to you soon
xxxx

hi again!

Man, it's hot! Read in the paper this morning that Sevilla is going throught the longest heat wave in history - almost two weeks of 40º temperatures (in the shade!) and it's supposed to last another week. I hope it ends before my friend arrives on the 17th otherwise he might melt. Oh well.

You should pop into my friend Fnord's space U219274 . I sent him over to the under 18 thingy the other day and he said he signed on. He is lovely and I think you two have a lot in common, share similar problems. Might help to chat with someone who has actually experienced some of the same stuff. He is a good listener I think and he is also very funny.

I don't suffer from depression per se, but I do have some problems with chronic anxiety, which they say is just the flip side of the ole depression coin. I get panic attacks sometimes and can't leave the house unless I take medication. But this also gives me a similar thing as you - this hyper-sensitivity to things around you. Like when you see something sad and it just cuts straight to your heart. So I knew exactly what you meant when you talked about seeing that man and feeling broken-hearted.

I'm very glad you have stopped the self-harm stuff. Do me a favour and if you ever feel the urge in future, try writing to me about it instead of doing it. And of course, first talk to your boyfriend and friend Matthew. They sound very supportive and it comforts me that you have them. Most 'urges' to do things don't last more than a few minutes, so if you can distract yourself by doing something positive this might help. But it does sound like you have it under control, so I think you are going to be fine. But just offering you another 'life line' if you ever need to just talk. You can also email me if you don't want to discuss some issues so publicly - [email protected]

Actually, have had some friends do the course at 'azahar's school of selfishness' They have found it quite refreshing and inspiring! I also hold no truck with GUILT - nasty nasty thing. A very negative force. So it's been years since I have felt guilty about anything at all. Even if I make a mistake with someone, do or say something stupid, I just remember that we are all human and imperfect, and so no longer beat myself up over stuff like I used to. Because in the end I think it is our imperfections that make us lovable and also able to love.

It's not an official course, by the way Most people just start off by saying things that they might not say to anyone else for fear of sounding SELFISH and they they discover that this is just fine.

Gosh, I am so grateful to Ben for putting us in touch. I already feel like my life has been so enriched by getting to know you. I think you are lovely and very interesting.



az

Yeah - its hot here too... got up to 36 the other day, which is the hottest in about 13 years apparently! Where is your friend coming from? Somewhere cold?

I will indeed pop over to see Fnord.... if he's under 18, how old is he?? I shall invite him over for a drink...

I dont get panic attacks or agoraphobic, im not sure really what symptoms i have, just muddle through alot of stuff, and get bogged down alot. And in the winter i go really quiet and dont talk much... i dont think i have outward symptoms, just internal stuff, like the heart-broken stuff. There was another one yesterday, i was in a pub in leeds, and i looked through the window and say this homeless guy picking up something sparkly from the pavement, like abit of tin foil... it was really sad, like he wanted to feel richer or something. I started to cry there in the middle of the pub, but i couldnt explain why to the others... coz they'll think im odd.

Thanks for the extra life line, i hope i wont have to use it but its a comfort to have it there. Its abit easier now coz ive started to cry again. I used to do it as a replacement i think and then i couldnt cry anymore. Somethings changed, since i started crying again, the urges to cut have gone abit. They're still there sometimes and when i do cry, i hate people to see me so i wish i would cut so that i didnt cry... that was confused, but i think you get my drift...

Guilt... thats something... i end up feeling guilty for not feeling the guilt... how does that one work?

Im greatful to Ben too. I really like talking with you. You've shown me a different aspect to things and i dont feel so alone.

Take care


P.S. I did something really odd the other day. I was in Leeds with my boy and i took him to the clinic. Only outside, but i took hik and showed him. I think it made him realise a little more. I dont now, i think i did it coz i regret not letting him be there with me?

Actually, my friend is coming from London, and since most of Europe has been going through a heat wave (though not quite as drastic as here) he will hopefully be prepared.

Yes, do pop in and say hi to Fnord. He's 16. You can tell him I sent you over. He is a very good friend of mine here on hootoo.

hmmmm . . . crying is good I think. I don't cry enough. Though I love it when I watch a film that makes me cry, for example. It's a very good release. Quite healthy. And certainly much healthier than cutting yourself, that's for sure. Don't worry about what people think if you start to cry around them. If they are real friends then they will understand. If they are not real friends, well, who cares what they think?

I have the feeling that you won't need my 'lifeline' offer, but thought it might be a comfort knowing it's there. Once, when my panic attacks were particularly bad, my friend in Bristol sent me a herbal flower anti-anxiety remedy, which I ended up carrying around with me (it was just a tiny little bottle). And I often found it was enough to take the bottle out of my bag and clutch it in my hand, thinking about how much Lizzie loves and cares about me, as this made me feel more 'grounded' and so then the panic attack would go away just from having pleasant and positive thoughts.

Do you do any sort of meditation? Recently a few people have recommended various meditation techniques (gee - is it so obvious I need this??? ) But so far I haven't got disciplined enough to try it out. Though I think it would be good for me.

I also find physical exercise very good for getting rid of stress and creating positive feelings in my body.

Sounds like it was a good thing to take your boyfriend to the clinic. Anything you do to help him feel closer to your feelings is good I think.

>>Guilt... thats something... i end up feeling guilty for not feeling the guilt... how does that one work?<<

That's because guilt is a very insidious thing. Never trust any feeling that has anything to do with guilt, that's what I say.

Well, am very glad that our chats help you not to feel so alone. Me too. And I think you know by now that there isn't anything too 'weird or strange' that you can't share with me. I am virtually unshockable, and you know, I hope, that I am not judgemental. I like talking with you very much.

keep well,
az

Ahhh London - it got up to 37C there the other day!

I said hello to Fnord.. wasnt sure how to start it so it may have been abit abrupt, but it'll smooth outim sure... thanks.

I used to enjoy crying alot. You feel cleaner after - you know that feeling when your skin seems really fresh and healthy - i like that feeling after a good cry. But now i find its ugly. I cant bare people to see me cry because i look like a dragon thats been through a bleneder and then mashed... I was in bed with my boy yesterday and started to cry when he touched me. Its so odd. We havent had sex since before, but we've done other stuff, but everytime he does stuff to me like fingering, i cry. Sorry if that was too much info.

Thats a lovely story about the herbal bottle. i have something simialr - a book i really wanted - a friend tracked it down for me and when i feel lonely, i read it and it reminds me of my friends and also its a very good book... the illustrated HHGTTG... its huge.

I used to be an anti-d course, but the idea of them scares me. I take herbal remedies, like St Johns Wort though and swap between them. I dont want to do any of this though. I learnt to meditate. That helped for a while... i generally struggle along without though.

Glad you like talking to me. I feel alot of this is about me, so if theres anything you want to say or that you want help with, let me know ok? You've helped me understand alot in a short time. Thanks!

Gene and her x

hi honey,

In fact, I think that everything we talk about is somehow about the two of us - not ever just about YOU as we both seem to know what that - the abortion experience - feels like as much as it is possible to share that sort of thing.

We are sharing thoughts and ideas and experiences - which I like. I don't ever feel at all that this is only about you, okay? If I did ever think so I would say - 'hang on a sec here, enough about YOU already!'. I would. But I would do it with humour. But I honestly don't feel like that.

Fnord told me he had been chatting with you and that he found you very interesting. But he said to me today that he was wondering why you hadn't responded to his last posting and I think he feels a bit shy about posting again in case you don't want to really be talking to him. He doesn't want to impose. But I know he would really like to hear from you again, because he told me this.

It was also hard for me to start having sex again after the abortion. In fact, since I was already mostly breaking up with my boyfriend afterwards, when we were together I felt too vulnerable to allow any penetration to happen. But he was fine with that - he did understand. So the last few times we had sex together it didn't involve any penetration, even of fingers. It ended up being mostly mutual masterbation with lots of kisses and cuddles - it was as far as I could go at the time. And that is not weird I don't think. Not at all - you are feeling very vulnerable. Just only do as much sexually as you can enjoy. And I hope you never feel that you need to make excuses to your boyfriend about this.

Yes, herbal remedies for depression can help a lot. But if you do have a serious problem with depression, and it seems like you might, the best treatment is a combination of anti-depressents AND weekly therapy sessions. They need to go together. Also, the drugs should be carefully monitored. They are only to be used at the beginning of treatment to balance things out for you physically, but during the therapy sessions you should find yourself being slowly weaned off the drugs as the therapy helps you to feel more in control of yourself and your life. Doctors who only prescribe drugs are not worth listening to at all.

It is always very tempting to self-medicate. I do this with wine. I drink a LOT of wine, though I think I am very far from considering myself alcoholic. It is just my drug of choice because I find I can use it just enough or even not use it, as I see fit. But to be honest, I would rather not have to do this.

At the moment I don't have access to a good therapist because I am living in Spain and I cannot afford to pay for a private therapist. But you might have better luck where you are.

The most important thing - I think - is that you should never feel that you have to do this all on your own. So if you cannot find a good therapist then *just keep talking*. Talk to me. I'm no therapist, but at least I know what you are talking about, so you will never need to worry about ever 'saying too much' about anything. I cannot guarantee that I would have any answers for you - but I AM a very good listener. And often, in my experience, sometimes knowing there is someone there to listen, someone who won't judge you or think anything you say might be 'too weird' can be quite a comfort.

I have had friends like this in the past and they really never offered me any advice at all. But what they *did* do was make me feel accepted and loved for just who I was - warts and all. And within that sort of environment I found I had the strength to start healing myself, because I felt supported and loved by people I truly respected.

Meanwhile, if you feel a real need to cry now, then just go for it. It will only upset people that you maybe don't particularly need in your life anyhow. You are in crisis right now. Obviously. And there is no shame at all in admitting you need help. But not everone is capable of offering you the help you need.

So choose the people who can help you best right now.

I think that is quite important.

Choose those who will not get weird or scared if you start to cry - choose those who (at least) will just give you a hug and help you feel a bit less weird about everthing.

Also, remember that this crisis is only a part of who you are. It is something you are going through at the moment, but you are still you. The crisis is not all of you. Though sometimes it might feel like that.

I mean, my sense of you is a very strong, intelligent young woman who cares very much about a lot of things, who wants to make her life the best possible thing it can be. And I find that admirable. I find you admirable. But none of us are 'admirable' 24-7. I know I'm not.

So, just chill a bit honey. You are doing the best right now that you can do. And nobody could ever fault you about that.

Well, anyhow, you know where to find me.

And I do very much enjoy talking to you too. Am very glad that you feel the same.

kisses,
az

Im glad you think its about the two of us rather than being one sided... i dont like things to get like that. Rather like pouring things into a black hole... hmmm rather pessimistic thought that...

My net isnt working very well right now, so if i dont reply its usually coz i cant get online or my net is playing up... i said this to Fnord. He seems very nice...

I dont want to let my boy down. I think that is part of why i dont tell him how bad i get and such like... i dont want to crush him or make anything into a bigger problem so i dont back down. He'll think he's done something wrong and when i explain that he hasnt i still feel like a little bit of him feels that....

The idea of a therapist scares me a little. I have a support service at school i could go to in term time, but i havent a clue whether it would help.... I was going to make a really blonde comment then about a spanish therapist not speaking englis, but obviously if you live there you speak spanish

I've found alot of people on here who are good listeners... maybe the act of writing things down is part of it. You can write for ages without being interupted...

im sensing my computer is about to die again, so i'll finish there...

thank you for everything

and

PSK

xxxxxxxx

*thank you for all this btw*

Thanks for all what? Being your friend? I think that being friends is quite a mutual thing. Though I do appreciate your thanks. It's nice to feel appreciated.

What's going on with you? Haven't heard from you in ages.

love,
az

sorry i've been rushed around with getting results and visiting uni's... the next few weeks will be sporadic while i try to work out what i am. I thought you were being abit quiet too mind... whats been with you?

I had a heart to heart with my boy last night about waht is good and bad about us... it was lovely. We seem much closer and less about the physical side now. And, i managed to tell him to stop when i felt he was pushing me too far physically and he was lovely!

I went to see my head of 6th form yesterday coz i needed to talk to an adult who knew and she was lovely. Shes not the dragon she appears. She told me about how she had a miscarriage and how it still hurts her now. I didnt feel quite so alone. The thingis im in an all girls school and though we're all in our last year now, they're still very immature....

anyway... hows u?

me xxx

hi honey,

Well, I did post to that other thread you started, just adding my support along with others.

Then I saw just now that I actually hadn't replied to your last posting. Oh, never worry about that - this doesn't have to be a tit for tat sort of conversation. I think because I had responded to your other thread I thought I had responded in general - again, we don't need this to be I-write-you-write-I-write sort of thing. Just write whenever you like. I'm always here. And I am always happy to hear from you.

That sounds very positive about the chat you had with your boyfriend. It *is* hard to make men understand when something is not quite right and you don't want to have sex. Yet you still need the physical affection - hugs, cuddles, kisses, etc. Yeah, I've been there too.

Also, happy to hear the 'dragon lady' turned out to be an ole softy and quite understanding. Lots of people think I am this 'thing' - I dunno. I am always being told that I intimidate people. Yet I do nothing at all to try to intimidate anyone whatsoever. But this has been something that has been following me around for years! So maybe it's like your dragon lady. Once you actually talked to her honestly you discovered she was not scary at all and that she quite understood what you were going through. What was it about her that made you think she was a dragon-lady? I only ask because this might help me understand why so many people feel intimidated by me.

Yeah right - big ole scary me. I'm the biggest wimp going.

So, what else are you doing today?

az

Well, its good to speak anyway, no matter what.

As for dan, i went to see him today and he was lovely. He took me for a picnic on the moorland. He hasnt done that in ages!

Dragon Lady - she was because the only time we ever really saw her was when she was being cross with members of the 6th form. No one really had a problem for us to see her nice side with. As for why peps are intimidated by u, i doubt its coz of that. Maybe its coz they cant read you very well???

Going away for the next two days, so have fun. Im shopping for unis... btw where's fnord? hes been very quiet...

Take care, much love, me xxxxx

IM BACK! Wow.... im so confused by what unis i want to go too... scary... im going to do biology or biomedical sciences or omething like that! Im on my own for a few days coz the boy has gone to Leeds Festival for the wknd and left me all on my own...

Hows things?