h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Lost? Not at all - I've found you! Sorry, missed your last posting here because I've been busy with a houseguest the past ten days or so, an h2g2 friend who is spending his holidays in Sevilla. Which has been very nice, for both of us I think.

So, which uni are you going to? I assume this means you will be living away from home? Will you be in a residence or will you be sharing a flat?

Anyhow, all changes are a bit scary. This is what also makes them quite exciting.

How have you been feeling lately? Will be checking hootoo more often now, so hope to hear from you soon.

az

Ahah - i thought you might ahve been abit busy with your friend... well, i hope you had a really good week!

Me - i want to go to Newcastle or Aston uni... I want ti be in residence the first year, so i can make friends and stuff, and then i'll just have to see.

I'm feeling sort of betterish. I just sad now that it happened, and im wondering more and more what she'd have been like. Oh sugar... i've given her a gender. Im not sure if thats good or bad...

Anyway, im probs wont be on until Tuesday now, but i'll reply then and it'll be regular then...


Gene

Hey - how come you keep losing me? Our thread is easily found in the 'click here to see more conversations' thingy on your personal page, on the left hand side (if you are using alabaster). Thing is, if we haven't chatted for a few days and you have had other conversations, our thread gets pushed to a 'back page', so it just takes clicking on 'more conversations' to find it again.

So, how are you doing? Did I mention before that I hope you choose Newcasstle over Aston? Anyhow, let me know what your plans are.

kisses,
az

ps

<>

It's neither good or bad. Just whatever you need to do. But really, no use wondering about how this being may have turned out since this is no longer a possibility. Really. You just have to move on as best as you can.



az

Yeah, i know i cud look in the recent convos list, but i forget to do that.

Me - im happier at the moment, i feel so much better about it all now, though my boy is guilt tripping me without meaning to, coz we arent doing anything. He understands and hes not pressuring, but i feel guilty that i cant give him what he wants...

hi there,

No, you never mentioned Ben to me, though you did tell Fnord about him and I have lurked on your conversation with him, since both you and he are quite special to me.

I also read about 'the things you didn't want to tell az' - so, sorry if I am being intrusive.

I guess it comes down to *why* you didn't want to tell me things. That maybe you though I wouldn't understand or that you just felt more comfortable telling them to Fnord, who is closer to your own age.

Anyhow, I hope you forgive me for lurking, but it was just out of wanting to know more about how you were feeling.

And if you want me to butt out then I will, with no hurt feelings at all.

But if you want to tell me about how you are doing then I'm here. Okay? I think you are doing great with the not hurting yourself issue. That takes strength and determination.

love,
az

No - its ok about you knowing the stuff i dint intend to tell you. I didnt want you to think i was a silly little girl who gets herself into so many mistakes and doesnt seem to learn from her mistakes. I told fnord coz i dint know him so well and if he judged me hen, i could handle it, whereas we were friends already... so now you must think im terrible.

so, you dont need to butt out. I have no secrets on hootoo and if i didnt want other peps to find out i'd never have posted it in the first place...

Ben put a friend of mine in hospital on friday. I have a restraining order, but he's not the sort to be afraid to break that. But i know i can be better and stronger than him, coz ive got away from him before... As for the rest of it - me and my boy are stronger than ever. We're coming up to our anniversary, and i havent a clue what to buy him... i was thinking a really big fluffy cat...? but its abit immture. Any ideas...

Other than that, im on the final week and im gona celebrate on friday but im not sure how... hmmm

How are you? xxx

hi darling,

I am so pleased for you that you passed the one-year mark. That took so much strength - you really should be giving yourself a lot of credit for this.

I am also glad to hear that you didn't mind me lurking around on your thread with Fnord. Well, Fnord is quite a good pal of mine - and HE lurks on almost all of MY threads.

Anyhow, the absolute last thing I would ever think is that you were 'a silly girl who gets herself into so many mistakes and doesn't seem to learn from her mistakes'. My take is that you are learning tons. I think you are a very strong person. I mean, it takes guts to talk about what you have been going through.

And please, let's get one thing straight now, okay? I will NEVER judge you. Mostly because I don't judge anybody. But in your case, well, I have become extremely fond of you. I like who you are and I see your difficulties. But aside from that, I also find you very interesting. So - are we friends? I do consider myself to be your friend. I will also understand if you ever feel there are things you cannot share with me. But perhaps by sharing stuff you will feel less alone with all of that.

To even things out a bit, I will tell you a bit about my stuff (if I haven't already - can't remember, so bear with me if I am repeating myself).

I grew up in a family with two alcoholic parents. There was a lot of violence. There was both physical and sexual abuse. It was hell, to be honest. I left home when I was 15 - just had to get away from all of that. Anyhow, I got a job, found a flat, and put myself through highschool. After that I ran out of steam and didn't pursue any further education. I've been married three times! I have done just about any sort of job you can imagine. Then about 12 years ago I decided to leave Canada and move to England. I was there for about two years and then moved to Spain. And now I have been living in Spain for about 11 years or so - ten of those years in Seville, which I consider to be my 'true' home.

I am still often haunted by my past. Which sometimes makes me not treat myself very well. Though I am not terribly self-abusive, I tend to drink too much wine and I still have self-esteem issues that I am constantly at battle with.

So you see? We aren't all that different. We both have personal issues that need dealing with. This is why nothing you could ever say to me would shock me. I have been there, honey. Okay, perhaps not in the exact same places as you. But I've been to some very bad personal places. Which is why I never judge people. I think it is hard enough just getting along in the world and finding the life we want to lead.

So, having said all that, I hope you will find it easier to just talk to me about anything at all. Truly, I am quite 'unshockable'.

How are you going to celebrate your one year without hurting yourself? Perhaps just privately? At any rate, as I said before, you should be feeling so proud and good right now. I feel extremely proud of you. I know it's been hard. But you did it! And now you should know that you can do anything at all that you put your mind to.

Hope to hear from you soon.

much love,
az

will reply tomorrow promise, but i need to sleep off this upset!

Hmmm - this is how i intend to celebrate this afternoon with my best friend Tiff... he's taking me to his gig and then im going to stay over at his and curl up and adore him. Hes the best friend in the whoooooooooooooole world.

Thanks for not thinking im a silly girl then... what you said about you makes me feel abit better actually though it cant have been good for you. I dont do the whole thing anymore, but no one deserves that. So, of course we are still friends. And on that note, maybe i should open up moer and explain better what you read briefly on Fnord's thread.

Erm... this is hard coz i dont know where to start. When i was 7, i lived in south with my mum, dad and brother. He's 5 years older than me. When i was 7, he was just descovering sex and he started to feel me up. I think i was too oyung then to understand, so it didnt affect me then. Now is abit different. I hate living with him, but he's moving out on Thursday. Its weird with him around. Anyway, when we moved North, i made friends with this bloke called Ben. We were really close and i thoguht he was wonderful and could do nothing wrong. He started to hit me and attack me... he was 4 years older than me btw. He raped me when i was 13. But for soem reason i never said ouwt and i was too scared to run away from him.He did it again when i was 15, twice, in my house. He stabbed me on my 15th birthday and he did horrible stuff like pouring hot oil and wax over me... its a woner im not more badly hurt. He went to prison in the end, but was let out 2 weeks ago. He killed himself last week. Is there anythign else you want to know about that... im not sure how to put it really.

anyway... i was shocked by what you said, becasue you seem so well rounded...

waiting for your response...
Gen x

Your plans for today sound good. I also like what you said on the other thread. That you had originally stopped hurting yourself for your ex-boyfriend but now it is all for YOU!

My brother (also five years older than me) was one of my abusers. He went on to sexually abuse his three young daughters and I haven't spoken to him for 20 years or more. Though I wonder if he'd have turned out differently had he not been constantly beaten as a child. Who knows?

I also don't do the thing. I don't find it helpful, either for myself or others. It's far more positive to understand and empathize. As far as I can see, people find their own personal way of coping and as long as they feel loved and supported then I think this helps a bit.

Ben killed himself last week? At the risk of sounding heartless my first response to that was a huge sigh of relief on your behalf. How do you feel about it?

Meanwhile, not so sure that your experience with your brother didn't affect you. This may have had something to do with why you didn't say anything about Ben and why you continued to see him even after he hurt you. Personally I think the best thing you can be doing for yourself right now is exactly what you are doing. Talking to people about what happened. Realizing that you are not alone with this sort of thing.

I seem so well-rounded to you? Well, that is quite a compliment. I still often feel like a total emotional weirdo. Thing is, all those feelings don't ever actually 'go away', but one does learn how to deal better with the feelings as time passes. To look on the bright side, my experiences have made me very sensitive towards others, have made me quite compassionate. As they say, every cloud has a silver lining.

much love,
az

im coming back, just dont want to lose you here!

sugar - i inadvertantly lost you.

I'm really sorry you ahd to go through what you did. I for one know it is horrible and not needed and when it's your family its a hundred times worse.

Its not heartless to say that about Ben. most people have said that and ive as good as forgotten about it now. That might be worse - jhe was sucha big part of my life and then *pop* like a burst balloon he's gone. Thats weird.

My brother has moved out back to uni again now. So i will never again live with him. I dont think he even remembers doing anything which is so weird to me, but then i guess different things get rememebred for different reasons.

Yes - you are well rounded - after all you've been throguh, you still have the ability to talk on here and be enthusiatic and not pessimistic. Im not sure ever cloud has a silver lining, but I suppose every cloudy day has a sun, even if we cant see it.

How are you anyway?