h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Yar] Uhhh .... Could be.

*Neither KL nor AA5 notice this, as they're both involved in the ramming of two ships*

[Yar] [watching them] Hmm ... I wonder if I ought to try and pull a Yoda ... twice at once.

Sorry, I'm clueless. Which "them" are you watching, and what's a "Ÿoda"

The two ships, sorry. And when he says that, he's not taking size into account.

*NYC looks out the porthole to see, for one brief moment, a space teapot - which then disappears. He vows never to drink the purple stuff again*

Burford: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! They're going to ram us! Hit the hyperjump button, Oreo.

*Oreo hits the hyperjump button, to no effect, since he had previously disabled it by accident.*

Oreo: It's not working, Burf!

Burford: Don't call me that!

*Jams the thrusters into full ahead.*

Burford: We can't get out of the way in time! Sure hope the extra padding we put into the Tea Cosy of Invisibility works. At least the lasers don't seem to be penetrating it.

*Crosses fingers and waits for impact. Hopes the impact will be like a marble dropped onto a pillow, rather than a mailed fist onto a...
Abruptly drops that thought.*

[Yar] Ah. An Agent Jackson maneuver. Except that, unlike Agents, they can't bodyjump somewhere else after they've blown themselves to bits. [decides not to interfere and simply wait to see what happens]

*AA5 can't see the sihp anymore, but based on its previous trajectory he assumes that he's still on a ramming course. He fires a torpedo straight ahead, hoping that the explosion'll either damage the other ship's cloaking mechanism or give him a hint as to its current location. Not wanting to blow himself to smithereens in the blast, he quickly engages and disengages the hyperspatial engines, allowing him to seemly teleport through Burford's ship to the other side of the damage*

KL-That's definitely not Affy....

*The torpedo hits the quilted Tea Cosy of Invisibility and has the same effect as the mines did near the Grand Repository. That is, the torpedo is softly cushioned to a stop and disappears from the sight of anyone outside watching.

Inside the Millenium Teacup, Burford is sitting at the controls, hunched up with his fingers in his ears and his eyes squeezed shut, ready for the collision with the other ship. Nothing happens. The seconds tick by. Nothing continues to happen. Burford opens one eye, peers around, then opens the other. Gaining confidence, he unplugs his ears and sits up straight. All this time Oreo has been nochalantly eating a candy bar.*

There, Oreo. See? Nothing to be afraid of.

*Glances out the front window*

Whaaaaaa! Where did that moon come from?

*Yanks the wheel over to the right, sending the Millenium Teapot into a sharp turn. The torpedo's momentum keeps it going straight, so that it comes away from the quilted Tea Cosy of Invisibility and carries on to the moon, where it explodes on contact.*

Teacup? Where did that come from? Anyone can see it's a teapot, not a teacup. What next - a flying saucer?

Badum-tsh.

*AA5 notices the explosion on the moon and the lack of space ship debris resulting from that explosion. His rage visibly builds for a moment before he sighs in resignation. He mutters something about the current Universe being too big before turning on a shortwave comunication broadcast to all spaceships in the immediate vicinity. Before speaking, however, he notices Rai's ship for the first time and wonders why on Earth everything has to be so difficult. He takes a few seconds to rethink his original offer before broadcasting again*

AA5-To the currently cloaked ship carrying my Tantalus Ray. I desperately need that weapon for plans that need not concern you at the moment. In exchange for that Tantalus Ray, I am prepared to offer you a....hmmmm....

*Rifles around the storage compartments*

AA5-....a box set of three books written by Minos Krylma! It contains "Seven Step-By-Step Plans For Global Dominatiom", "Seven Habits Of Highly Succesful Villains," and "Conquering The Milky Way On Seven Galactic Credits A Day." Oh, and....this unopened can of Goo Classic soda from CLI, which won't expire for another four days.

[Yar] ... Hey, am I the only one who just had a sudden sense of irony for no apparent reason?

[NYC] Feh. I live on the stuff.

*NYC returns to staring out the porthole, wondering where Khan and Narg have gotten off to*

*Burford and Oreo look at each other at the mention of the boxed set. They both grin sardonically with identical looks that say "pah! What would we want with that". At the mention of the Goo Classic soda, Oreo's eyes light up, and Burfords get an "uh oh" look in them.*

Burford: Now, Oreo...

*Oreo reaches towards the handle controls*

Burford:...it may be a trick...

*Oreo gets a determined look in his eyes and starts manipulating the controls*

Burford:...and we could really use that ray and...

*Oreo uses the controls to whiplash the handle and fling the ray towards AA5's ship*

Burford:...

Oreo (into the radio): Okay, just drop the Goo Classic soda somewhere and we'll pick it up.

*SLR jumps up and down*

SLR-Soda! Soda! Soda!

*AA5 exhales and quickly uses his tractor beam to latch on to the Tantalus Ray. Without wasting a moment, he tosses the book set and can of goo classic into a thermal-seal bag, tosses it into an ejector-compartment, and drops the material into space. AA5 turns back to his microphone*

AA5-Thank you very much for complying. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go build my weapon of Universal Conquest.

*So saying, he shuts off the outgoing messages and begins entering the coordinates for the next stop*

Need a quiet place where I won't be interrupted....let's hope that they've got some room for me.

*Kalia looks at the floating parcel and whines*

[Kalia] *quietly* Soda... coffee... caffeine... *to Affy* Can we pick some soda up wherever we're going? Or some coffee? I'm famished...

*with that, she sets down the blueprints, notes, and Magic Markers, curls up in a corner and falls asleep.*

Oreo: Ha ha! See, it wasn't a trick!

*Pilots the Millenium Teapot over to the package and uses the handle to pick it up. Oreo rushes to the airlock to get it. He returns to his seat, clutching the package and grinning.*

Goo Classic Soda! I haven't seen one of these in years.

*Oreo tosses aside the boxed set and pops the top of the soda. Burford picks up the books with little interest and starts thumbing through one of them.*

Burford: People really do this stuff?

*Burford glances over to Oreo, who is sipping the soda with a blissful look on his face*

Burford: Er, Oreo, old pal. Remember that time when we were kids and your sister had locked us in the outhouse and I gave you half of my peanut butter and anchovie sandwhich?

Oreo: Yeah, the half that you fished out after it had fallen in.

Burford: Right. I'd forgotten that part. Well, how about the time in college when we ordered pizza from Zippy's and I let you have the last piece?

Oreo: I paid for that pizza.

Burford: Oh. Yeah. Er, well what about, um, last week when I let you go first in the line-up at the cafeteria on Planet Schmiglebob?

Oreo: Hmmmm. Yeah, you did do that. Okay, I'll save you some.

Burford: Yes!

Oreo: Wait a minute. Didn't you say later that you were suspicious of that food, like maybe it might not be healthy to eat it?

Burford: Er, well, maybe, but I still let you go first, didn't I? That's worth something, isn't it?

*Oreo finishes the soda and hands the empty can to Burford*

Oreo: Yup, it's worth this can. Save 42,000 of them and you'll be eligible to win a pocket knife.

[Yar] So ... now what? Want me to try to use the Force to see how I can mess things up?

[Freeze frame; above it, the phrase "Great idea!" appears, and below it, "Too risky ..." appears. Either can be clicked on to change the course of the story. This Wing Commander IV parody was brought to you by Mark Hamil. Nobody knows why.]