h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Rusalka - A1092070
Author: Speckly - U226818

This story came out of a great deal of reading I did on slav folkelore. It forms part of a linked set which are connected by the theme of an 'escape into otherness'. It's the longest of the set, but it's my favourite.

Three Fables and a Fairytale, A1092089, are reworkings of this story.

I don't normally like fiction, but this is spare and elegent and reads well.

So I am going to pay you the compliment of picking the odd nit.



I found "canteen" sits oddly in the third paragraph - it is not a word I associate with slavic folklore - would "water bottle" or "water flask" be better?



"Lushka's thoughts of John seethed deep bloody red." - A beautiful sentence.



"Vorya knew that he was being insulted. There was nothing to be done against a charge so apt, when the blame lay with his Lushka.
'Is there a problem?' Brown asked."

Needs an extra line-space.



"...It is to her credit that she chooses to help in the running of our land.'"

"Working" the land?



"Her body flushed green and rich and her hair curled into verdant life."

I do hope you chose the word 'verdant' fully aware of the pun. It's a lovely reinforcement.



"They scented the air with innocent dreams."

Another lovely and truthful sentence.



"Lushka's nearest sib."

I would prefer "sibling" or "sister" - "sib" seems overly colloqual in such a poetic piece.



"All the next day Lushka did as her father had bid her.
She walked out with John Brown in the morning."

Needs an additional line-space.



"Lushka sat at one corner and John Brown at the other. The sun glinted like a knife on the currents of the river."

A wonderful double metaphor. This is really good stuff, you know.



"She smiled, stepped from the trees and hugged Lushka tightly to her. Then she was gone.
Lushka went back to her father's house. "

An additional line-break needed.



"'I saw a Rusalka,'"

*A* Rusalka? You obviously mean it because you use the same phrase later - I am curious about that. There is no indication that Rusalka is A Rusalka anywhere else. It's fine though.



This is a lovely piece, poetic, restrained, balanced, and very nearly perfect.

I was curious about the use of Slavic names for all except John Brown and his father, but I found myself trusting your judgement there.

Thank you very much for posting it.

Ben

Thank you for your intelligent and flattering comments.

It's always nice to know that soemone has really 'got' what I was aiming for.

I'll probably make most of the changes you've suggested.

'Verdant' - yes, deliberate.

'running of our land' - I agree, it's clunky, but I want to keep the rythm and I don't think 'working' will do it. But I'll have a look and see what I can come up with.

Rusalki, in Slav folklore, are (depending on area) either the souls of babies who have died unbaptised or the souls of maidens who have died on their wedding night. Rusalki also punish anyone who works the land during rusalki week and are symbolic of both death and fertility. The singulat is (I think) Rusalka But I'm not an expert so I might have gotten it wrong.

John Brown - a deliberately western name. I thought it fitting considering the contrast he presents in the story.

Thanks again.

I meant to ask you, have you read Ursula K LeGuin's Orsinian Tales? Darker than yours, and more disturbing, and quite unlike either her Earthsea series, (which I love), or her Science Fiction, (which I find dicdactic and tedious). But I found myself thinking of them, as I read yours.

There is also a book which is long out of print called "Red Moon, Black Mountain" by Joy Chant, which includes a deeply disturbing earth goddess. Your tale is poetic, and the Rusalki, as you present them, are not as ruthless, but it has made me want to re-read that.

I find it disturbing that the Slavs have an entire tradition built around women who died, (were killed?) on their wedding nights. It makes the tale darker than it appears.



You make an interesting point about the difference between "running" an "working" rhythmically. I don't think of rhythm in that much detail, (particularly in prose), but I do see what you mean.

I am looking forward to reading the connected piece, but I have been reading too much here in the AWW to come to it fresh, so I will read it later in the week.

Thank you again for posting it. It will linger in my imagination for a very long time.

Ben

I haven't read either, though LeGuin is on my to read list. Have you read any Angela Carter? I read a great deal of her work as an undergrad and 'The Bloody Chamber' was one of my conscious influences in writing this.

A lot of prose writers don't pay enough attention to the rythms and sounds of the language they are using, most could stand to learn a great deal from poets. It seems wasteful to me. As though they are writing with their ears closed. I don't write poetry, but nor do I see that there has to be a rigid divide between different types of writing. For some pieces of prose the only difference is the absence of line breaks. Not that I includ mine in that, but it has poetic elements. And I don't mean 'poetic' as in flowery redundant language and excessive sentiment! I mean it in the sense of having a good understanding of the power of language. Using words for their sound and shape on the page as well as their meaning, and seeing how they interact with each other.

Besides I really wanted to keep the lyrical quality of the oral narrative tradition. It creates a heightened sense of reality and can be dleiciously sensual.

The linked fables are much shorter, so they shouldn't take as much brain work to read! They were written as a bit of fun and a break after I had finished Rusalka.

I'm glad you enjoyed the story. I put it on here because it's too long to publish in a literary magazine, I can't afford to enter competitions and I want it to be read. I enjoyed writing it and it seems a shame to leave it sitting on the pc gathering metaphorical dust.

Very fine.

One additional, pedantic nit-pick: At one point, Lushka breifly changes her name to Lusha; it's in the paragraph where Yana comes to Lushka's room.

It's deliberate, the character is using an affectionate abbreviation. But I'll re-read it and see if it just comes off as a typo.

Thanks.

Oh. Ah. Oops! I see now...

The piece reminded me of Ursula LeGuin, too. Odd really, because I've never read Ursula LeGuin, but something I wrote once was compared to her, and this reminds me of that. if that makes any sense... In any case, I gather it's an auspicious comparison.

I reckon you've been successful retaining an oral quality to the story - it doesn't take a great deal of effort to imagine this being told around a flickering campfire.

The sound of words and phrases can impart much sense and meaning over and above what their dictionary definitions would suggest. In prose that's not written to be read aloud it's easy to lose sight of that, to the detriment of the writing.

Hi Dolt

There is an elegence to words that can be spoken well out loud whether they are poetry or prose. I know what you mean by poetic, and lyrical is another good word for it.

Yes, I have read some Angela Carter, but it was a long time ago. I am not sure if I read 'The Bloody Chamber' though. Hey ho. I *miss* her. It would be interesting to know what she made of the Internet, for example.

Anyway, I should be going to work now...

B

Good afternoon, Ben!

I read her work before I knew anything about her. Then I found out she had died so tragically young. I was upset by that. I felt so cheated that I had just found her and she was alread gone.

Changes made, as suggested plus a few extra tweaks.

Bump for now; comment later.
But please read this, everyone. It's extraordinary.

(And Ben...why ever did you leave, just as you saw hope?)

This is an astonishing piece. I've read it four times now, and it's still getting better.
It isn't too long. A lot of its qualities (timelessness, and the measured, metrical delivery) wouldn't work nearly so well if it were shorter.
There are resonances with some of your other pieces. A number of your characters seem to share a placid acceptance of unnatural experiences. These pieces are disturbing yet at the same time understated, a rare combination.
I hope this one gets the readership it deserves.

Pin

Shucks.

This one, with the associated fables, and 'Apple' are part of a larger set, a foray into magic-realism, drawing on my love of fable and fairy tale. The casual acceptance of the unnatural are fitting both for the historical form and the magic-realism influence.

I agree that it isn't too long. I let it find its own length and that usually works out ok. I made some half hearted attempts to edit it down, but gave up and reverted to the origional draft. It is too long in the sense that there is NO market for 'long' short fiction in the UK. Also readers of short fiction have less patience than ever and length alone is often enought to put people off reading a story.

A shame, but no point crying over it. The realities of the British fiction market have pushed me into attempton a novel, and I'm actually enjoying it, so I shouldn't complain.

Awesome. I can't critique like Ben and Pin (waves), I just feel. but, 'Her future had been decided then, and she had not noticed it arrive.' is magical.
take care clever one
boots

Thanks Boots.

It means a lot that writers as talented as you, Pin and Ben like it.

And I repeat for the benefit of this threat (getting somewhat cross-threaded with 'getting by') the Rusalka is not a vampire. Honest.

This is a beautiful piece. Thanks Speckly.

"The land and the moon grew and resolved and met, and Rusalka danced."

Thanks Waz, I'm really glad you like it.

Hmm, that is a nice line, are you sure I wrote it?

Oh yes, I got the scissors and the glue out to post it.
Unless it was on the clipboard from someone elses .

Incidentally, wouldn't that be an awful thing to do?!