Dr. Funderlik's Regular Grunt

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Roosta Towel by Amy Ant

Captain Nimoy's Secret Diary.1

Stardate July 12th 2003

Today, I thought I would make myself a nice cheese and pickle sandwich and then maybe mow the lawn. My wife, however, had other plans. Since the birth of our baby son, things have been hectic around the house. Bottles and nappies everywhere. But today my wife had an extraordinary quest planned for me. 'We need to do this right', she said, 'we need advice on bringing up our child properly. I think we should buy a book - or rather, you should buy a book...'.

'Oh yes?', I said, dreading the worst, 'and what book would that be?'.

'"Dr. Spock's book of child care". Look, I know it might be awkward for you, but I have all of these clothes to iron and the manger is being delivered this morning, so I would really be happy if you headed down to the bookshop and bought it. You could always wear
your disguise...

'No... no... no... that's alright, dearest..' I said, 'I can manage a simple trip to the bookshop these days. The old times are behind me now. No more troubles. Anyway, they offer to warp things up at the bookship these days. I should have no trouble.'

I took the Volkswagen Beetle. It was a pleasant enough day and dogs were out in the streets. When I got to the bookshop, I found a parking space and inserted my car. The walk to the shop was reasonably short. That's reasonable. Why shouldn't it be? No one recognised me, though a small child did throw a boiled sweet. I wondered if I should shout out for a constable at the top of my voice. Then I remembered the last time I did that and bit my tongue. Literally. It swelled up a bit and made speaking difficult. I tested out 'The Quick Brown Fox Jumped Over The Lazy Illogical Sheep' and it all came out wrong. Never mind, I thought, on with the mission.

Once inside the shop, I began to wonder if I was doing the right thing. I was sweating under my cardigan. The familiar little voice in my head told me 'Get out... get out now..' but I figured that it would be best just to get it all over with. I proceeded quickly to the 'Psychology, Self-Help, Sexuality and General Accounting' section. Between 'Indo-Chinese Monetary Policy' by Milton Freedman, 'Am I Mad? Find out in 20 Questions' by Clair Raynor, and 'Famous Babies that Sing' by Simon Schama, I saw it: 'Dr. Spock's book of everyday baby care.. I checked no one was looking, quickly appropriated it and
slipped it under my arm.

At the cash register there was an old lady and a young lady. I felt that the best way to deal with the situation was to grasp the nettle, so to speak and not beat around the bush. So, I ran right up to the counter, slapped the book down with a bang and said:

'This is Dr. Spock's Book of Child Care. I'm Thpock too. Yeth, we can all see that. Ha ha. So, please, just warp it up for me and allow me to go from this bookthip in peace. Live long, and prothper.'

I think it was at this point that the older woman fell off her chair. Though that might have happened after the young woman set off all the alarms. I wish she hadn't done that. They sounded just like the alarms on the Enterprise, and so of course, call it force of habit, I said:

'Thields up, warp factor nine' and jumped down on the floor in front of the cash desk. That's where security found me. They looked down at me, and shook their heads sadly. One of them, the big one, said:

'Now now, matey, that wasn't very logical was it?'

The other one nodded and chuckled to him self. I closed my eyes...

'So, then, which planet did you beam down from then, eh?'

'A bit 'warped' in the brain are we?'

'Very enterprising...'

I waited until they threw me out in the street and drove home. My wife had made a nice shepherd's pie. It was nice and soft anyway. So when she threw it at me there was only superficial bruising. I scraped the remainder from the carpet and placed it in a box, which I took to the garden. I ate it there, and then I slept in the box.

Stardate July 13th 2003.

I woke from the strangest dream. Me, William Shatner and Telly Savalas were all having a game down in Huckleberry's Bowling Shack ('You get more for your buck, at Huck's'). Bill kept on striking out, time and time again, in a most illogical fashion. Normally he rolls the ball and says 'I know I am going to fail', and then starts crying when he does and puts his coat over his head and sort of hops like a frog up and down the lane, ignoring all the people pointing and whispering 'Is that William Shatner?'. But this time, he kept striking out. Meanwhile Telly kept telling me not to compare myself with others, for I would become only vain or bitter. 'In that case', I said, 'It's going to be bitter. I mean, look at these
'. Telly got upset then and said I was missing the point, so I thought I would cheer him up with a logical joke.

'What's on the telly tonight?' I asked.

'I don't know', said Telly, 'What?'.

'Nothing!' I said, pointing at his head.

'Oh, I don't know about that', he replied, 'There's celebrity snooker on at nine.'

That's when I woke up. That's when I realised I was in the garden. That's when I realised it had been raining. That's when I realised that the box had collapsed. That's when I became aware that I was covered in mud. That's when I arrived at the conclusion that my wife had been very unreasonable and logic dictated that she be fired into space. That's when I turned to the snail on my shoulder and said:

'You are a lucky snail, a lucky snail to be independent and free from human concerns. Just you and you alone, Mr. Snail, no wife, no babies, just you and your house. You are lucky, for I must tell you, I have a wife, and she is very illogical indeed and deserves to be fired
into space.

That's when I realised my wife was standing over me.

'I should just kick you', she said, 'but I'm going to give you one more chance. I need another book.'

Oh yes?', I said, dreading the worst, and what book would that be?.

'Its a book about religion...'


'And the work ethic...'


'In Scotland.'

'Do go on...'

From an archeological perspective..

'And, its title is...?'

'"Bones, Scottie, Kirk and the Enterprise" Have it here by lunchtime, or I'll throw away your Rubik's Snake.'.

Dr Funderlik's Regular Grunt

Dr Deckchair Funderlik

19.06.03 Front Page

Back Issue Page

1That's Leanord Nimoy, the made up person from Watford, not Leanord Nimoy the hugely succesful and dynamic Hollywood superstar with the funny ears, of course.

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