Welcome, partner! Can you root and a-toot and a-holler with the best? Do you have the qualities required to join the harem of pleasure that is the Buckle Bunnies? Not just anyone can join the assembled ranks, of course. There are stringent tests, and a very complex application process¹. The original job advertisement, placed by a very ‘tired and emotional’ Skankyrich was:

Handsome rodeo riding male requires harem of buckle bunnies for long nights of lassooing, bareback riding and more. Must know all the words to Neil Young's 'Heart of Gold' and like campfires and raw meat. Gold prospectors particularly welcome, as are ladies of ill repute.



More than one position may be available depending upon quality of applicants.

Of course, there were many applicants.

What is a buckle bunny, anyway?

A buckle bunny is a cowboy or rodeo groupie. Even if the cowboy or rodeo rider in question hails from Devon.

Skankyrich’s buckle bunnies are buxom, blonde, say ‘yee-haw’ a lot and generally follow Rich around in an adoring manner. All of his buckle bunnies have all, or none, of these qualities.

What are the benefits?

Well, there's the endless nights under the stars, the life roaming the wilderness where only wolves howl, the enormous amounts of testosterone, the large hats, the incessant smell of bovine excrement and the satisfaction of being part of a team geared towards one single unified goal; ie my pleasure.
- Skankyrich

Who are the buckle bunnies?

In approximate order of joining:

Roymondo

Application details: ‘Have you been supping?’

Result: When can you start?

Roymondo’s cheerful wit, unsculpted bosom made him the ideal first applicant. Appropriately left to mind the campfire, Roymondo makes this travelling group of outlaws a decent living by raffling his charred body hair, and ensures Rich has the female bunnies to himself by attempting to seduce the occasional Brad Pitt that pops in for beans. When unsuccessful, at least Rich has his faithful Roymondo for company.

lil

Application details: None needed. ‘People called lil’ was a specific alteration to the original advert and, by a strange twist of fate, someone called lil actually applied. Fancy.

Buxom. Soft-lipped. Attendant to all needs. Doesn’t mind ‘stirrup training’. Rides bareback when requested, and hangs on tight. Woof! Er, I mean, ‘yee-haw!’ Swoons a lot, and causes many swoons. Fights with Roymondo for Brad rights. What a pro.

2legs

Application details: Applied by CV. Very professional.

Result: Very impressive. I particularly like the use of the evilgurn smiley, which will come in handy to keep hyenas away.

It just wouldn’t be a cult without 2legs. Simple as that.

Dawn

We still seek the elusive Dawn.

Terri and Yoda

Application details: ‘I can bring along a "kiss me quick & squeeze me slowly" hat sent by Professor Animal. And obviously my pussy has to come too.’

Result: Get in – or words to that effect.

Brewing moonshine from a bathtub en route, Terri is the resident chief astronomer and uses them to find Rich, who is frequently comatose staring at them. Her is of almost continual interest.

Gosho

Application details: ‘Some varmint's a-tryin' to muscle in on my buckle bunnies!’

Result: Rich! Have you found the guy (preferably old and with a squint) to run the 'chuck wagon'? He also needs to be fond of using the word varmint regularly. (Scorpio Witch)

It’s an odd quirk of history that BH had the original idea, yet sadly musters barely a footnote in the big scheme of it all and never managed to assemble a group of Buckle Bunnies the size of this one. He now loiters around the wagon whether he likes it or not, watching for parties of raiding hyenas. You cannot imagine what ‘varmint’ sounds like in a thick Cockney accent, other than by imagining ‘hilarious’.

Scorpio Witch

Application details: ‘Although I have absolutely no idea what a buckle bunnie is, after reading this thread at this time of the morning, I want to be one. I haven't stopped laughing for half an hour and I've got a long drive up three motorways ahead of me. It's not good enough.’

Then the killer phrase: ‘I'd much sooner be bare-backing with you Rich ’

Result: My heart a-tremblin’ rather than tootin’, we rode side-saddle.

Scorpio has many hidden talents, many of which remain, erm, hidden. We particularly look forward to her ability to knock up a nice garibaldi to go with afternoon tea². It would be unfair of me to divulge information on the bareback ride, which was of course an essential part of the interview process.

Galaxy Babe

Application details: ‘I'm not blonde, and I'm not named lil, but the other criteria I fit quite nicely...


Sign me up!’

Followed by: *flashes cleavage*

And: Well? Am I in, or not?’

Result: Well, it would be churlish of me to refuse. Just to be sure, GB, can we go through the second bit again ?

If need say no more. If I try to, I’ll just start doing that shaking thing again. Erica Roe, eat your heart out.

Sho

Application details:
*something approaches, it looks like a dead heat in a Zeppelin race*

Result: Cold showers, and lots of ‘em.

We saw her coming round the corner way before we saw the rest of her... Sho was the original Buckle Bunny and is the standard all others are measured by. I have particularly noted the reference to the ‘industrial-strength Wonderbra’. Sho can also be found hanging around with the fellow who guards the wagon.

Still awaiting the photo, by the way...

Venus

Application details: ‘Howdy folks, may I join your camp fire? Well I have these are they up to standard? My name isn’t Lil, but I am blonde...‘

Result:Venus was soon toasting her buns with everyone else.

Don’t worry, Venus; we will stop off at a shop along the way somewhere. As long as you only need tumbleweed, we should be ok!

Wilma

Application details: Our Wilma never actually applied, but changing one’s tagline in the name of recruitment gets you an honorary life position.

Buying a ‘foofy fluffly scarlet fluffmeister frock’ gets you mucho kudos – and I don’t even mind the smell of cowpat...

Wilma even found us some cracking mottos, which you can find at the end of this entry. Thanks, Wilma!

Serephina

Application details: ‘Would a buxom red head of extremely ill repute be any good to you?’

Result: You can take that as a ‘yes’, and a , Serephina.

Even more impressive was the suggestion that we could actually have a Roymondo fight; whoever gets him in the trough first wins!

Honourary Positions³

Security

B'Elena fills this key role, in order to protect Rich from unknown ravagers who may attempt to access his sleeping quarters without proper clearance - often zipping herself inside Rich's tent just to be on the safe side. Needless to say, the job involves lots of frisking. Thank goodness.

Chief Pimp

fundamentallyflawed not only won the first ever Buckle Bunny raffle - winning a large pot of Sag Aloo - but also offered her pimping skills. Rich is paying keen attention to results...

Potential recruits

The following Researchers have either expressed a vague interest, haven’t a clue what’s going on or could be cajoled, kidnapped or blackmailed into joining:

• Vicky Virago - blackmailable with a mead-related story, apparently.
• Straighttalker, utterly confused.

Potential recruits should apply below. Or to Wilma .

Buckle Bunny Mottoes

Kindly provided by the incorrigible Wilma; other suggestions always welcome:

Don't squat with your spurs on.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

You live in hell? HA! I ride him everyday.

Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.

Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction.

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