How to tell the difference between a warthog and an armchair
Created | Updated Jun 2, 2003
Despite what you may think, it is in fact, a deceptively simple task to tell a warthog from an armchair. The problem is that not only will you feel rather silly having confused a warthog for an armchair, but also the consequences could be dire.
Maybe you are tired after a long day at the office/on the town/saving the world/typing up ridiculously guide entries et cetera. You might come home, and not bother to put the light on. You go over to where you thought you left your armchair, and sit down. Too late, you discover that you have not sat down on a chair, but on a very angry warthog. That is, the warthog wasn't angry until you sat on it, but now it is very angry.
This guide entry aims to remove any danger from sitting down in armchairs.
First, let's have a look at how the dictionary defines both these terms. A warthog, found, surprisingly just before Wartime (although what a "wartime" is, I don't know. Can you get imes that don't have warts I wonder) is defined as:
Warthog: (n) an African wild hog of the genus Phacochoerus (aethiopicus of Southern Africa or africanus of northeast Africa) having two pairs of rough warty excrescences on the face and the large protruding tusks
Whereas, an armchair is defined as:
Armchair: (n) chair with armrests.
You can see why confusions may occur. The first thing to do is always check before sitting down. The following mental checklist is a good one to go through before sitting down on anything:
1.) Does what I am about to sit on have tusks?
2.) Is it making grunting noises?
3.) Is it moving around?
If the answer to any of those questions is yes, then there is a possibility that what you are dealing with is not an armchair at all, but, a warthog. If this is the case, abandon sitting down, and stand instead. There may be another armchair in the vicinity which you can sit on instead. However, don't become complaisant now. Just because you have correctly identified one warthog, does not mean the second chair is not a warthog also. Run through the above checklist again before sitting down.
Perhaps we should deal next with what to do, if you do sit down on a warthog. The next stage is to stand back up again. This is essential, and cannot be stressed enough. If you sit down on a warthog, do not remain there - stand up again at once.
So far, we have dealt primarily with confusing a warthog for a chair, but, what if you confuse a chair for a warthog. You could spend hours trying to get a warthog out of your house, only to find that it's actually a large armchair you are dealing with. The following checklist should again help:
1.) Does it have a cushion on it?
2.) Is it not moving?
3.) If I slowly approach it and touch it with an outstretched pole, does it remain in exactly the same position?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then there is again a possibility that you are dealing with an armchair. The first step to making sure that it is an armchair is to slowly approach it. If it still remains stationary slowly reach out one hand, and touch it. The next step is to give it a push, and if there is still no reaction, the only sure way to find out, is to sit on it. If it feels soft, and there are two ledges on either side to rest your arms, then you can be quite sure that it is an armchair, and not, as you first believed a warthog.
If you follow these simple steps, next time you sit down on an armchair, you can sit yourself down quite safely, in the knowledge that you are not about to get a warthog shaped surprise.
Maybe you are tired after a long day at the office/on the town/saving the world/typing up ridiculously guide entries et cetera. You might come home, and not bother to put the light on. You go over to where you thought you left your armchair, and sit down. Too late, you discover that you have not sat down on a chair, but on a very angry warthog. That is, the warthog wasn't angry until you sat on it, but now it is very angry.
This guide entry aims to remove any danger from sitting down in armchairs.
First, let's have a look at how the dictionary defines both these terms. A warthog, found, surprisingly just before Wartime (although what a "wartime" is, I don't know. Can you get imes that don't have warts I wonder) is defined as:
Warthog: (n) an African wild hog of the genus Phacochoerus (aethiopicus of Southern Africa or africanus of northeast Africa) having two pairs of rough warty excrescences on the face and the large protruding tusks
Whereas, an armchair is defined as:
Armchair: (n) chair with armrests.
You can see why confusions may occur. The first thing to do is always check before sitting down. The following mental checklist is a good one to go through before sitting down on anything:
1.) Does what I am about to sit on have tusks?
2.) Is it making grunting noises?
3.) Is it moving around?
If the answer to any of those questions is yes, then there is a possibility that what you are dealing with is not an armchair at all, but, a warthog. If this is the case, abandon sitting down, and stand instead. There may be another armchair in the vicinity which you can sit on instead. However, don't become complaisant now. Just because you have correctly identified one warthog, does not mean the second chair is not a warthog also. Run through the above checklist again before sitting down.
Perhaps we should deal next with what to do, if you do sit down on a warthog. The next stage is to stand back up again. This is essential, and cannot be stressed enough. If you sit down on a warthog, do not remain there - stand up again at once.
So far, we have dealt primarily with confusing a warthog for a chair, but, what if you confuse a chair for a warthog. You could spend hours trying to get a warthog out of your house, only to find that it's actually a large armchair you are dealing with. The following checklist should again help:
1.) Does it have a cushion on it?
2.) Is it not moving?
3.) If I slowly approach it and touch it with an outstretched pole, does it remain in exactly the same position?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then there is again a possibility that you are dealing with an armchair. The first step to making sure that it is an armchair is to slowly approach it. If it still remains stationary slowly reach out one hand, and touch it. The next step is to give it a push, and if there is still no reaction, the only sure way to find out, is to sit on it. If it feels soft, and there are two ledges on either side to rest your arms, then you can be quite sure that it is an armchair, and not, as you first believed a warthog.
If you follow these simple steps, next time you sit down on an armchair, you can sit yourself down quite safely, in the knowledge that you are not about to get a warthog shaped surprise.
