Almost, But Not Quite, Entirely Unlike a Guide Entry About Heraldry
Created | Updated May 22, 2003
There are some things that'll never get into the Edited Guide...
...It's not that the subject matter is too arcane. Arcane we can do. In spades.
The subjects that won't get covered are the ones that are not just arcane, but arcane in a way that doesn't appeal to anyone who'd be seen virtually dead in Here.
A case in point : to be interested in Heraldry, you'd almost certainly have to read the Spectator and wear either a tweed jacket or a twin-set. Or possibly you'd be happy wearing both, according to the occasion.
People interested in Heraldry round Here? Can't see it; can you?
Oh sure, there are people (and chimerae) who are interested in BITS of heraldry. The more outrageous fauna in particular. There's a nice piece on Gryphons, for example, but so far nothing on Martlets. Martlets are perhaps lacking in gravitas. Or maybe they're just not big and menacing enough. The coverage is sparse and selective, even when it comes to the associated bestiary.
This Researcher declares herewith that he Knows Nothing Whatsoever about heraldry, except what he's just-this-minute found in a Dictionary of Obscure Usage. But what a vocabulary the subject appears to possess! The lushness of the verbiage, coupled with an inexplicable desire to write the longest zero-useful-content piece in the history of the h2g2, has sparked inspiration. If indeed this tosh can pass muster as such. Anyway, here goes...
It says here that fimbriate (of an escutcheon) means 'having a narrow boarder'. That might be a misprint, I guess. Or maybe not. It seems a little churlish to cast aspersions about the breadth of the tenant's horizons, but the reference nicely emphasises the first and most important point about heraldry. Heraldry very definitely takes the side of the Landlord.
Indeed, one can take a dark view of heraldry. I mean, it's not exactly politically correct, is it? There are overtones of a particularly virulent elitism here, of eugenics, even. Heraldry presupposes that some people are better than others by virtue of their birth. Not a sentiment which is widely embraced at the dawn of the 21st Century. Not even any longer by the modern Conservative Party, whoever they were.
Or perhaps that assertion is unfair. Let's take a more considerate view. Coats of arms are more like the medieval equivalent of a personalised number-plate. They are actually rather naff, an expedient of wannabe-aristos. The people who acquired theirs in ancient times were Essex Boys, if we may be permitted to mix our antiquated metaphors. They couldn't gloat about the custom paint-job on their coach, after all, because the technology of the day meant that everyone had got one. No-one appears to have had the imagination to suggest a sun-visor with the name of the Lady of the Manor on it. Sadly, a coat of arms was the best that the era had to offer, and so that's where the lucre went.
People who crave a coat of arms today are morally no better and no worse than their ancestors, although they are probably less intelligent (which is quite an achievement, when you think about it). Why less intelligent? Because these things don't actually get you anywhere nowadays, in case you hadn't noticed.
Nonetheless, there are apparently people alive today (just) whose job it is to devise armorial bearings for the emergent elite of Our Time. The only conceivable reason for this behaviour is that it adds an extra spectacle to the Overseas Visitors' Attraction that is modern Britain. There are quite probably serious dollars to be garnered in the dreaming-up of devices for the colonials. The practice might even have a side-benefit in dissuading a few of the silly buggers of the delusion that they're Irish.
There are even phrases which have entered the fund of the vernacular which originate in heraldry... Oh sod it, now I've gone and made another claim that I can't substantiate. Until a few moments ago, I was rather convinced that the phrase 'beyond the pale' had something to do with heraldry. Now I'm forced to concede instead that it's concerned with some ancient fence or other. Just goes to show the dangers of reading dictionaries. Or anything else, for that matter. Nonetheless, I'm going to stick my neck out and insist that there really are some phrases which have entered the fund of the vernacular and which originate in heraldry. I just can't think of any, that's all.
Anyway, let's get back to this Dictionary, before Pinniped starts being offensive, heaven forfend. The entries admit to a broad subclassification into the Banal, the Incomprehensible, and the Dubious. We might entertain ourselves with a few examples of each. We might, but we probably aren't going to. Too much effort involved...
...Oh, go on then. Just for you. Here are some of the more banal definitions, to ease you in gently :
- Bearing - a device or charge
- Charge - a bearing or device
(Unfortunately the editor missed an opportunity to disappear up his own Achievement by omitting to include a definition of 'device') - Rustre - a lozenge with a round hole
Yeah... I thought that was a Polo, too...
You still feeling OK? Right, let's try something a bit more improbable. There are all kinds of animal-positions in here, if you take my meaning...
- Rampant (of a beast) - standing on its left hind foot with its forepaws in the air
I tried the flipper-equivalent on the Weddell, but she couldn't stop laughing - Regardant - looking backwards
This can't be right, surely? Might be a football-ground steward, though, I suppose...
You still with me? Let's try the dubious, eh? - Potent - with a crutch-head shape
That's what it says, honest! Presumably it's etymologically related to : - Seme - sprinkled with small stars, fleur-de-lys, etc
Kindly keep the etc to yourselves.
Come to think of it, if this is supposed to be a noble vocabulary it surely doesn't do much for the Tokens of State. The 'Star-Spangled Banner' will henceforth be known as the lambrequin seme (in gules, argent and azure proper)
The etymology of the term 'heraldry' is itself not very interesting, particular if you don't make any effort to research it properly. It comes from the Old French 'Heraut', which was presumably a make of car, probably steam-driven. The origins of the associated word 'pedigree' are quite fascinating by comparison, however. 'Pedigree' is derived from 'pied de grue', meaning 'foot of a crane'. This has nothing to do with the type of crane you find on building sites, of course. This is surely a reference to what they put in dog food.
One could probably safely bet one's last copy of Michael Caine's autobiography that not many people (among those who will actually read this) know that. Not both of you, at any rate.
Just look at this load of b***ocks : Bend Sinister - a diagonal stripe from lower left to upper right of one's bearing, denoting bastardy
Why is all this stuff so obsessed with illegitimacy?
The 'Fitz' thing... I mean, come on! All normal people associate the 'Fitz' thing with a joke about pair of Irish homosexuals. And in this enlightened modern age being born out of wedlock is no big deal, being gay is OK, being Irish is... well... anyway...
I bet that bloody fence was Irish as well. I'm sure I saw some damnable reference to Hibernia out of the corner of my eye, but I'll be b****red if I'm going back to take another look.
Y'know, I've had enough of this. I'm off to get absolutely tierced - divided into three parts with three different tinctures
... What?... You want to hear more from the Dictionary of Heraldry? Well, find your own, pal. Maybe I just made all of that up. There are too many facts in this World already...
