Dr. Funderlik's Regular Grunt

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Roosta Towel by Amy Ant

Mr Memory goes to the Movies

Good day to you all. My name is Mr Memory, and I have lots of extra space in my frontal lobes. Yes sir, yes madam, give me a date, give me a time, and I can remember it for you for ever. One evening, months later, you might be sitting by the fireside, sipping your cocoa and reading quietly, when I will leap to my feet and shout ' 13th November 1927, Wolverhampton Wanderers 2, Arsenal 1!' and thereby astonish you with my mnemonic prowess. My memory is insured by NASA, protected by lead sheeting and monitored by the Russians. There is NOTHING that I cannot remember. Hence the name, eh? Mr Memory. Pleased to make your aquaintance. What's your name then? John is it? Doris is it? I won't forget that. Thank you very much. But, there's more. I also like films.

People ask me, ' Here, Mr Memory, with your memory, and your huge and fanatical knowledge of the film world, a knowledge which we all know almost borders on obsession... why don't you drop some pearls of wisdom for those of us who can't even remember where we left the lightbulbs - the John's and the Dorises of this Universe - for us, please, for us lot, why don't you tell us some stuff about films, eh? Since you know so much and all...'. And up to now, I'm sorry to admit, I've always given some evasive answer like ' I can't do it this week, I'm taking my tortoise for its monthly polish'. But, now, I figure, why not? So here it is, Mr Memory goes to the Cinema, a guide to some of my favourite films...


Who can forget the opening scenes of Gladiator, Ripley Scott's epic comedy devoted to one man's struggle to become the top gladiator in Italy. General Maxinuts, played by Terry Crow, looks at this bird and thinks 'Awww, what a pretty little bird...' but then the bird flies away, and Maxinuts figures ;Oh well, better go and slaughter these Huns then. I'll bring me dog along too. Bit of company, I suppose' That's got to be one of the magic moments of cinema.

And he does slaughter the huns, which isn't really a surprise, actually, as they have these rocket powered soup bowls that blow up trees, and all the Huns have is, like one little head. They chuck the head really hard but it just bounces of Maxinuts' armour and all his troops have a good laugh at that one. But Maxinuts soon gets in trouble when this emporer Complex goes all cherrywhizzle mungledums and figures he's in charge, not Maxinuts, and so Maxinuts has to run away to this forest where he is caught by a team of wandering dwarfs and trained to be a basketball player. Hilarious consequences, of course, but I don't want to give to much away here - you'll just have to see the film!


Ah, yes, Bogie and Macaw. Who can forget when Humphrey Bogie says to Lawrence Macaw - 'Of all the jam jars and all the snooker halls in the world, you just had to walk into mine'. That's brilliant, that bit. And the other one, where he says to Sam, the one man band he employs in the bar, 'Play it again, Sam' - but ahhhhhhh... see, he never actually said that in the film. People remember it like that, but not Mr Memory, oh no. What he actually says is 'Here, Sam, you wouldn't mind doing that one again, would you? My mind wandered there during the middle bit... and it sounded pretty good.' and of course Sam agrees, and then launches into yet another spirited rendition of 'My Old Man's a Dustman' on the spoons and kazoo.


The real genius of Jane Campion, in this re-make of the 1948 classic, A Night to Remainder was to graft a completley pointless love story on to the otherwise gripping film of a big ship breaking in half. Campion recruits his usual stable mate Arnold Schwartzkopf to play Jake, a hapless fool who just kind of wanders on to the ship because he feels like it. Jake meets Ros, played with conviction by Una Stubbs and they decide to run all around the place together. They run around corridors, and then they run down some stairs, and then the run around the deck for a bit. Ironically enough, it is just at the moment when the couple decide to have a nice sit down that the ship hits an ice cream, and of course the rest unfolds with tragic inevitablility. Except that Jake gets chased by this man with a gun. That was a bit weird. Anyway it ends when Ros goes to New York and chucks a diamond in the sea. One of the greats of the cinema of the surreal from Campion.


This was the one that made Stephen Spillberk's name. The story of a lonely little boy and his only friend, a huge killer shark called Bernie, touched the hearts of millions. Roy Spider plays the town police chief who wants to kill the shark by stuffing a can of compressed air in its mouth and the shooting at it until it blows up. But Joey, the little boy in question, rescues the shark and they run away to a forest using Joey's roller skates. It is in the forest that the shark opens up a little chest panel, and reveals to Joey that he is actually a friendly android who wants to tell the world that everyone should love each other. Joey and the shark manage to call down the shark's space ship, and the shark flies off to the moon. The bit where Joey waves good bye to the shark, and the shark tries to wave back, but can't because he only has fins, so he just shrugs his shoulders and grins - that was brilliant. One of the magic moments of cinema.

Mr Memory goes to the Movies.
A De Lorian production for Magnet Kitchens.

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