h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

many students talk here. Sit down and have chat won't you?

*Walks in yelling and screaming*

Owww!!! Can someone put this fire out. I tried a spell that went wrong!!! I tried putting water on it but it wont work. Owwww!!!!

*suddenly, a disembodied head appears in the fire, but it doesn't seem to be in any pain, quite the oppiste, he seems to be enjoying himself. The head has short bristly brown hair, thick eyebrows a thin mouth and a big nose. The eyes are the most startling part of him, in the left eye socket is not an eye, but what appears to be a very small black bird and the left eye moves of its own will, scanning left and right and up and down and even rolling back into its socket. The bird and the magical eye both fix on Larry Otter.*

[Proffessor Tal Rasha (the disembodied head)]: This is a pleasent fire to keep students warm in this chilly castle, why would you want to put it out?

Hey i got an idea lets keep the fire
but lose the creepy disembodied head
*Cast a quick but very complicated conjuration spell and conjures the proffessor from where ever he was, through the fire and into the room*

*Tal Rasha steps from the shadows, holding in his hand the disembodied head and a bowl of cold clam chowder.*

[Tal Rasha] Your spell isn't quite refined, I was already here, all you did was give me the head and this bowl of chowder. You definitely shouldn't try directing your magic against living things just yet

Does anyone mind if I smoke?

*smoke starts coming from his cape*

doesn't bother me

Look, I know I just got here, but please will someone turn my cat Shuggy back into a cat! A fluffy ginger lamp that purrs really is a horrid joke to play on a first year who can bearly manage an Alohomora. I mean really!

*Professor Tal Rasha points his black wand at the poor lamp, mutters the counter-transfiguration spell, and after a bright flash and a soft "meow" noise, the cat is back to normal*

Thank you sir, would you like a Bertie Bott's every flavour bean?

*holds up a bag of half eaten sweets in a slightly grubby hand*

[Tal Rasha] that seems a fare exchange

*picks up one bean carefully, pops it in his mouth, coughs slightly*

[Tal Rasha] oh dear, tastes like a toad. Oh well, luck of the draw!