Tom Green Chronicles Mark II
Created | Updated Apr 2, 2003
What shall I say about this week besides perhaps I'm a bit behind this
week—by my standards, at any rate. Other than that it should be just as good and
parody-licious as usual.
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*Various artistic shots of Segue, Sera and Link snoring and whining in their sleep*
*Cue DEATH and War stepping purposefully and forebodingly in, holding their swords in front
of them (much like the angel Michael might do full of piousness), and then proceed to stab (and
scythe) the living daylights… out of pillows. Feathers fly nonchalantly through the air.*
War: *raises a perfectly sculpted eyebrow* Methinks they aren't here.
Death: WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CLUE, THE FEATHERS OR THE COMPLETE LACK OF
PAINED SCREAMS?
War: A bit of both.
Death: AH.
War: *screeches*
Death: WHAT THE BLAZES DID YOU DO THAT FOR?
War: Continuity.
Death: RIGHT. I'D FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT...
*Cut back to our ragtag company. Sera, Link and Segue freak out and awaken with somewhat of
a start, and Jade stands there looking pensive and staring out the window next to
Firefly.*
Jade: What was that?
Firefly: They are the Riders.
Jade: The riders of what?
Firefly: ...It's more like... well, Riders. With a capital 'R.'
Jade: Ah. So are they like Ringwraiths, then?
Firefly: Only in the way that they're neither living nor dead.
Jade: Ah so the double negative stays the same then.
Firefly: Indeed it does. They are the riders of the Martian Apocalypse.
Jade: The Martian one? As opposed to the Earth one?
Firefly: Yes. They're a bit different though. See, we never actually had a Pestilence.
Jade: Really?
Firefly: Yes, really. Martians are naturally very resistant to disease, you see.
Jade: How interesting. So why are they following me then? I'd have thought they'd send out
some cr*p Team Rocket team or something.
Firefly: Well they couldn't now, could they? What with Jessie being the proverbial Sauron
and James being for all intents and purposes, Gandalf.
Jade: You have a point...
Firefly. Of course I do. But anyway, they're following you because Jessie told them to. At all
times they feel the presence of the gauntlet. They're drawn to its power... They will very
likely never stop hunting you.
Jade: Well that just sucks.
Firefly: Yeah, it makes things a bit inconvenient. Shall we be off then?
Jade: We shall.
*The next day(!). Cut to our ragtag band walking through the wilderness shortly after cutting
to War and Death hoofing it after them.*
Jade: So where are we headed?
Firefly: Into the wild.
Link: Aren't we already there?
Segue: He makes a strong point. The scenery looks fairly wild to me...
Jade: ...Keep in mind that this is coming from a kid from the Martian suburbs...
Sera: Yeah, show the guy a hill with a few trees on it and he thinks he’s in the bloody
Himalayas.
Link: What's the Himalayas?
Jade: *laugh* They're mountains.
Link: *looks generally confused* Oh…
Firefly: *laughs as well* Pardon their Earth references, guys. They can't help it.
Jade: No, no we can't.
*Sometime later*
Segue: How do we know this Firefly is a friend of James?
Sera: I think a servant of the enemy would look fairer and feel fouler.
Segue: He's foul enough...
Jade: *elbows Sera* That was my line there...
Sera: Ow...
Jade: Segue... Firefly's my boyfriend you geek! We have no choice but to trust him.
Link: But where is he leading us?
Firefly: *sarcastically* To Graceland, Link.
Link: Did you hear that? We're going to see Elvis!
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*Later, in snow*
Link: *has stopped and is poking about in his rucksack*
Firefly: We aren't going to stop until nightfall.
Link: What about breakfast?
Firefly: You had a hash brown pop-tart not fifteen minutes ago.
Link: We’ve had one, yes. But what about second breakfast?
Firefly: *goes up ahead, rolling eyes*
Segue: Don’t think he knows about second breakfast, Link.
Link: What about elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about
them, doesn't he?
Segue: I wouldn't count on it.
Firefly: *tosses a potato and Segue catches it*
Segue: *pats Link on the arm, takes a bite out of the potato, and follows Firefly*
Firefly: *chucks another potato which very neatly hits Link in the head*
Link: *looks generally surprised about the matter*
Segue: Link! Dude!
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*Later, in a marsh*
*Wide shot of the gang very nearly drowning themselves walking through a marsh.*
Segue: *swatting at mosquitoes* What do they eat when they can't get Martian?
Link: It's likely that they eat potatoes.
Sera: Or Pokémon...
Jade: Or wildebeests.
Firefly: ...Which might be plausible if there were wildebeests on Mars.
Jade: You mean that there aren't?
Firefly: Well not really, no.
Jade: Well that's too bad.
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Tom Green Chronicles Mark II
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