h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

WARNING: Death, gruesome details of road accident, bereavement & how not to deal with it.

On Friday night, a small car was travelling along a main road here in France. There were roadworks, which meant that the oncoming traffic had to use one of the lanes usually used by traffic going in the other direction. A car-transporter truck was travelling in the opposite direction to the small car. The driver went onto the wrong side of the road (it was foggy, dark & he was in a foriegn country, unfamiliar with the road even without roadworks.) He realised his mistake & swerved back into the right lane. Unfortunately, the attached transporter full of cars detached from the lorry & hurtled towards the small car and impaled itself through it.

When the emergency services arrived, they were unable to determine even the sex of the human who had been in the car. It is still unclear whether there was a passenger; but it seems unlikely.

The car driver was a very close friend of M , who some of you know. They had known each other since childhood, played in bands together, gone through many good & bad times together, including the tragic death of M's wife some years ago; which he has never recovered from.

M phoned me & broke the news & asked me to meet him in the bar where the other members of the choir were gathered (O, the deceased, was a leading member of the choir.) Despite not being able to walk very well (I have damaged my ankle) I did this. Not a fun evening obviously. M seemed to feel it would help if I stayed with him, but warned he would not be good company, hardly surprising.

I don't know how to handle this. I can't. I've had too many deaths of my own so far & am left with a feeling of utter futility & confusion. It seems to me that if you take the risk of getting close to people, you have to always have at the back of your mind that they will ultimately let you down & abandon you by death, if nothing else. I can't cope with this sort of pain, neither can M. At the moment he is numb, it hasn't really sunk in. God knows what he will do when it does. I am terrified. He has another friend who has a terminal illness, not long to go. What then? How the hell can I help him, when I feel so utterly incapable of handling it myself?

Right now, he is sitting in a bar, drowning his sorrows, anaesthetising himself. I am sitting at home doing likewise (it's physically impossible for me to walk to the bar with this foot.) He says I can go back to his house if I wish, but he won't come here. mainly because I don't have a TV & all he wants to do is escape into TV land. I can't walk that far, he knows this.

I have tried & tried to help this guy, I love him very much. Abbi knows more than most; some of the others may know a bit. At what point should I give up & just decide to let him drift into despondency? I can't decide if he is just basically taking me (& others) for a ride or if he is genuinely so depressed & still in grief for his wife that he is incapable of existing on a day-to-day level without support.

All I know is that this latest blow could be the straw that finally breaks this camels back.

Hopefully M will be cheered up by the fact that his daughter is coming out for Christmas; he has not been in contact with her for months. It will be pretty impossible for me to be there as well (it's a very small house, plus it would be very awkward emotionally)& spim is spending Xmas in UK. So looks like I'm on my own. Ho ho ho.

Sorry about all this, I am feeling very sorry for myself. Posting this is the only thing I can think of that might at least mean I feel I am communicating with someone.

Sometimes I just wonder what the hell is the point. I don't think there is one. Maybe O was lucky in a way. He too was a bit of a loser, dead end job which he hated, couldn't get a girlfriend, never quite "got anything together"...etc etc etc.

At least it must have been quick.

They will only need an econoimy sized coffin. Ho bloody ho.

zdt

I am sorry about your and Mickeys loss
It is something we all have to experience in our own way and in our own time as you already know.

I hope drowning the sorrows with alcohol does not keep up.
That is a sloooooow suicidal death. It did NOT really work when M lost the love of his life.
You know this.

Do not let alcohol deaden your life or your measure of it Terri.
Please have your foot looked at! You have coverage.
Please value to your own life today.

It's hard to measure anyones life or know if it was good for them, all you know for sure is it's gone

My brother died in a road traffic collision some years ago. I can remember the feeling of utter numbness at the time. You don't say if you knew the person who died, however, all you can do is to be there for your friend. And listen.

O/~

It is hard to lose someone this way, I know. It hurts so badly. I'm not in any position to tell someone else how to cope with such a devastating loss, I've spent years drowning my own in alcohol myself. Can't even tell you if it helps or not. Probably not.

I'm so sorry for your and M's loss, Terri. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers, and if you need someone to talk with, I'll be here. Take care, love, and keep holding on.

I don't think you can tell people how to cope with loss. All you can do is to be there for them ... and listen. Most people don't need a good talking to. They need a good listening to.

Hard not to speak when your friend has told you drinking could mean death
That isn't true for everyone.

Hi everyone.Thanks for your kind words. I appreciate it.

Yes, Abbi, you are right, I know that, M knows that. Before this happened we had even got as far as contemplating trying to give up again together (it seems we can't do it if we're apart.)

But certainly the combination of this plus the bleakest of Christmases seems like a recipe for disaster. Can't even afford to buy each other a present, bills of horrendous proportions (once again, thanks Bloody Tiscali), debts to so many people etc.

Yes, I did know O, I've known him for as long as I've known M. But obviously not as well as M did, or most of the others around here. It's a small town & since he was a musician, he was very well known.

The funeral is tomorrow. M is going, I'm not. We would love to contribute to some sort of memorial, but can't.

As for the foot, I will try & get an appointment to see the doc , but I know what he will say "rest it, don't walk on it!" which is the only answer, but when you don't have a car, live in a town on a hill & have to do basic shopping somehow, it's not exactly easy! But yes, I will have to see him anyway, I want him to give me a note for Social Security so I can go to Red Cross & hopefully get some secondhand boots; probably the reason I damaged my foot in the first place is 'cos my only pair are held together with tape & walking ain't easy at the best of times! Plus I only have one pair of winter trousers, which now have a beautiful patch on the bum! Thank goodness the "grunge" look is still trendy eh?!

--A look which a certain Mr Hussain seemed to be sporting when he emerged from his winter break down under I notice. Now he's back in circulation, perhaps he'd like to add the small matter of my compensation for being invaded 13 yrs ago to his "to do" list? I could certainly bloody do with it right now!

All this reminds me so much of when Denise my oldest friend died last year. She had spent 23 years waiting for compensation from a medical negligence case, struggling meanwhile to bring up 2 kids on her own & keep out of the way of their abusive father. She eventually got it & lived 6 months, then had a massive heart attack.

God, life is so bloody unfair isn't it?



zdt

Yep.
Life is not always a fair deal.

You are good to your friends Terri and you love them.
They do not need things or money from you to know that about you.

I wish you did not have the everyday stresses of money that you do.

Thanks Abbi. I wish that too.

You're a very good friend, very patient when I'm feeling down, i realise your problems are often a hell of a lot worse than mine.

Some friends can be a bit bloody insensitive though can't they? Just been on msn with someone we both know, told him about my ankle, he just suggested crutches & put my feet up. When I explained this would be impossible (unless I went into hospital), he just said " I think you're being a martyr."

Ah well, what it is to be young & (relatively) healthy & surrounded by friends.

I do hope his bedside manner improves before he is let loose on patients who may be a little less thick-skinned than me.

zdt

Hi Terri and Abbi. I hope I'm one of the good sort of friend and not so much the insenitive kind.

I know I didn't respond as well as I could have when I read of O's accident... fatal car wrecks are a sore point with me, but I still want to be here and be supportive of you, terri, as best I can. You've been a good friend to me when I needed it most, and I love you dearly for it. And you're one fine lady, to boot.

Now if only there were some way for me to help you get some decent boots and trousers. Here I've been fretting about my own finances and I'm not that bad off. All I can really do for you right now is pray hard and send you lots of love and stuff, hope it helps some.

Hope your foot will heal up soon, I know what it is not to have a car, and I live in a big city! I can't imagine what a stain it is getting around for you, so I won't tell you to stay off it. Take care of it as best you can and I'll be praying it heals so you can get around better.

How are you and M doing Terri?
I hope M got back home OK and you two are doing Ok together.

my msn messenger is not working.
You can try me on aol IM, it works!

Hi Abbi, glad to see you've got eyes tonight!

Just sent you a long, self-pitying email (oh lucky you!)

What's your "handle" on aol IM? I've not used it yet, maybe i should investigate, hope it's not complicated to set up?

--By the way, the has now seen the ankle, it seems I have torn the ligaments. So now nicely strapped up & waiting for to appear......

zdt

Aol should be set up automatically.
Just go there - IM.
If it needs to load it will.
Same name as email you use for me, try me tomorrow.


The eyes are always on if my computer is on.I do not spend all my time here
My nephew will be on the computer tonight if you see eyes.

No time.....
too much going on- I'm tired and stressed
I tried to avoid this stress but I am not living in a vacuum so that never seems to work

Take care of that ankle Terri.
You have one shot at it healing rightwithout major interventions or disability.
You certainly started off working it too much on those hills
Do listen!and be kind to it.

I'm trying! All I've done today is hobble to the mailbox. I'm hoping it will have sorted itself out by Monday, when I HAVE to go into town to sort out Social Security stuff. It's a vicious circle really, if I don't do this, I lose health benefits, but in doing this, I will probably need them even more!

Maybe will supply me with a pair of wings , only temporary, I know I'm no !

ps: Liked the joke! Has Moose seen it?

I will try aol IM later, need to switch Beast off for a bit to make a phone call. Also need to finish the cushion cover in case I see M tomorrow. This is NOT going to win the Embroidery prize, believe me!

zdt

You ARE an to M & spim!

Yes it is a vicious circle , I wish it was not
All you can do is your best, which you always give

I wish it were not so hard for you every day.