h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi all

So, here it is, another Saturday night. I could've gone out, but opted for my typical antisocial behavior, more or less.

I spent the morning at work, feeling kind of guilty at being paid for so much unproductivity but I won't get into why, don't want to bore you. I was fishing for a bit of sympathy this morning from a usually understanding co-worker today, and think I might've gotten a bit of a telling off. I'm not sure how I took it, or how I *should* take it, but I was a bit knocked back. Just goes to show you can't really trust anyone, eh? That, or I'm just feeling paranoid and rejected and all that, as usual. Never can tell...

This afternoon, I went by a friend's house to help decorate her Christmas tree. My lack of enthusiasm was showing, and she, I, and her other friend, did very litle actual decorating and a lot more goofing off. Although we did have a bit of fun, I still came home feeling a bit despondent. After I played around in the snow, that is... can't resist doing that.

This time of year always gets me down. It's not just the SAD, which makes me want to sleep all the time, or else wallow in my own gloom. it's the whole phony atmosphere of cheer and good will that gets to me. Even if I'll be spending the time with a loved one this year, I still feel a need to reject the holiday itself, and pretend it's not there.

I don't know if I *want* to learn to associate good feelings with a holiday that has such all-around negative connotations for me. Does anyone understand that? It's not the time of year itself, calendarwise. It's the sense of obligation to people who otherwise don't even pretend to give a sh*t, the make believe happy-crappy, and the flagrant commercialism and materialism that pisses me off so badly. Or am I just being cynical and bitter and jaded again? I nevr can tell.

So here I sit, in an especially foul and lonely mood, averse to the idea of company but not wanting to feel alone at the same time. I'm listening to some especially moody and melancholy tunes, having perhaps a bit too much wine, smoking too many cigarettes, and not knowing just how I ought to be feeling.

I'm preparing for my upcoming holiday in England, and I'm both incredibly eager and scared sh*tless at the same time. Here I have this amazingly wonderful, kind, loving and brilliant person who thinks the world of me, and I can't see why. My mind is so full of "why"s and "what if"s, it's probably unjustified but it's still there, anyway.

Will I ever stop second-guessing myself and just learn to accept things at face value? Will I ever get over this fear of screwing up so badly that's it's bound to be unforgiveable? Will I ever stop feeling guilty for things I haven't even done yet, and may not ever do? Will I ever learn to live in the moment instead of dreading the mistakes and disappointment the future *might* hold?

Am I all alone right now, or is anybody out there right now who understands, who cares, and who has the inclination to listen to me whine yet again about everything and nothing at all? Has anyone a shoulder available at the moment for me to cry on, for no apparent reason? I'm okay, but I'm feeling kind of lonely and vulnerable right now.

Note to my fellow survivors- I'm in no danger, I'm well out of harm's way... just could use someone to lean on if anyone's up for it just now. If not, I'll manage.

I'm here.
I see it has been an hour but I'm just hanging.
Sweeties in bed and Saturday night live is on.

Doubt I could lift any spirits but I can listen.
You played in the snow! That is a good sign.

Hi Abbi

Thanks for just being around! I you for it.

Funny how no matter how I'm feeling I'm always happy to play in the snow... people were grinning at me the whole way home because I was plowing through and burrowing in it the whole way. It makes me feel so young and free and unburdened. Maybe I need to go back out in it.

It's been an hour or so but I'm still here, painting my toenails black and playing the tunes even still, albeit a bit less moody.

You've already lifted my spirits just being here! How are you tonight? I'm okay, just a bit... oh, I dunno what.

Hi there Psychocandy.

I'm here too, feeling pretty much the same as you. Which probably won't help. But at least we know we aren't the only ones.

I am probably the worst person in the world to advise you on how to feel better; if I knew that, I could help myself feel better, also M, who sure as hell feels at least as bad, if not worse than us.

God, sometimes life is like an unwanted gift isn't it? But we should, we are told, feel grateful for having it & smile sweetly at the donor.It makes me feel guilty when some people have it taken away, yet here I am wasting mine. Which makes me feel even guiltier, which makes it all worse, and so it goes. I can't think of any answer. I'm rather tired of trying to find one personally. I don't think there is one. Just spotted this line, which seems as appropriate as any:

"You spend half your life trying to turn the other half around."

Better must come, surely?

Hopefully yours.

Terri.

My computer crashed moments after that!
Terrible timing!

I cannot believe a crash happened again and it was stranger than usual! I spent 2 hours trying to get back on and then had to sleep

Hope this morning is a bit brighter for you PCandy.

Hi Terri *waves* I hope for you too

'One day we'll find a place of hope'
'We stumble'
'One day there'll be a place for us'
'With love comes the day'

Hi, and thank you all. I'm feeling a bit better this morning, for what that's worth.

Terri, I read what you wrote about M's friend and I wish I could be there to help comfort you right now. I know what it is like to lose a loved one in a tragic accident, god it is so awful and it hurts so damned badly. I know that M isn't likely coping very well, and I don't expect you would be either. What a shitty thing to have happen on top of everything else.

Thank you, Stealth, for reminding me that we all stumble. Somehow we just keep going, though, don't we? Thanks, you guys, for being willing to hold my hand when I need a little help.

HI Psychocandy,

Whatever your job, I'm sure that you do it as well as you can and that it has value (why would they pay you otherwise?).

I think that one of the biggest challenges that any of us is learning to love ourselves and realising what wonderful people we are.

How's tonight going for you PCandy?

Hope Terri shows up again.

*Terri sort of shows up again*

Hope things are improving at your end PCandy. At this end, it's all pretty much on hold till after the funeral tomorrow (3pm French time) M is going, I'm not.Mainly because it would all be in French, M would feel obliged to translate, which is yet one more strain. Plus I might crack up, which is best done in private. Plus it's being held in O's home village & I would be utterly petrified of the journey there. I pray that everyone arrives & returns safely, especially M of course.

If I never get in a car again, it will be too soon. I can cope with a , at least they are bigger & stand a slight chance. Wonder if there are any spare tanks lying around?

zdt

I wondered about the funeral.
Hope there are some moments of unexpected peace.
All will have a long day ahead

I'll be thinking of you and M tomorrow, Terri. Things are all right at my end, except for I've just poured myself a glass of Syrah which seems to have a fair amount of dish soap in it.

I wasn't too anxious to get back into a car after my wreck, I still can't drive. I do feel much safer on a bus or a train, they're much bigger and you do have a better chance if anything goes wrong. I think.

This time Friday I'll be boarding a plane, and I'm terrified of flying still, too. It's still not as scary as riding in a car, though.

Hopefully, as Abbi says, there will be a few moments of peace for you tomorrow. I will pray for a safe journey for M and that you both can get through tomorrow. And then the next day, and the next. And that the days will get better as they come.

I find the world seems so peaceful at 32,000'.

I'm smoking cigarette and listening to David Gray, trying to steel myself for my first CBT appointmet tomorrow, and trying to deal with the doubt I have about my engagement that I'm sure are down to my BPD.

Hi there, Stealth. Thanks for all of your kind and understanding words. I'm also having a smoke, watching a "Bottom" DVD and sipping a glass of wine.

Hope your appointment goes well tomorrow, you'll let me know how it goes?

I think I can relate somewhat to your doubts about your engagement, though I'm sure your BPD makes it that much harder to deal with. I still have more than my share of doubts about my own engagement, most of which I'm sure are unwarranted. If you feel like talking about it, I'm a fairly good and very sympathetic listener.

What about flying do you find so peaceful? I'd like to relax and enjoy it if I can. I'm afraid of heights, quite claustrophobic, and am always frightened when I have to leave myself totally in someone else's hands, if you know what I mean.

Odd how I speak to mostly smokers on here!
I smoke too.

I think it is the best anti-depressant there is for me.
The rest do not give any sense of ease or well being.
Someday I am convinced they will find out why.
Scientists looking at schitzphrenics(sp? wrong) have found evidence that tobacco mildly helps. Maybe it helps in other areas too.
It is a rare substance that goes to both right and left brain and the center!
*****************
Stealth-
I do not mean to diminish BPD in saying this but the biggest of life decisions like marriage can make your mind swing from negative to positive frequently. If you can sift through that and stand the pace then want to get married you're ready and able

I am good at listing positives and negatives after much practice.
You do not know me well ,I'd be glad to lend an ear too,. they are big!

Hi everybody!

About smoking ... it's just a pity it messes the body up so much. My mom smoke for about 35 years and just totally ruined her lungs ... at about the age of 55 she *had* to quit because her lungs were so gone she *physically* couldn't smoke any more ... she couldn't get the smoke into her lungs any more, her lungs hardly worked at all. Anyways it's been a few years now and she's doing better but smoking simply isn't an option for her any more. She made it through fairly OK ... she didn't gain much weight, and she's not really irritable or depressed or such.

Anyways I don't think tobacco is quite an 'ideal' anti-depressant ... I really hope medical science keeps working on the problem to come up with something that is fairly safe and works well.

Anyways here's a website with some info on smoking and mental health:

Why people with mental illness smoke:

http://www.rethink.org/information/liv/users/smoking2.html

Why people with mental illness might consider quitting:

http://www.rethink.org/information/liv/users/smoking3.html

90% of people who are schizophrenic smoke, but I don't!

Anyways I'm not saying anyone should quit ... it's just about understanding the reasons why. I think we need better support systems in society, in general, for people struggling with addictions.

As well as people struggling with mental illness!

Thanks for those links, Willem. I didn't realize that nicotine did all of those things. No wonder so many people smoke!

I really want to quit smoking, I don't even enjoy it much, but I get irritable and agitated if I go for too long without. It's no good for my asthma, it stinks up my house and my clothes, and most of my friends don't smoke. It's also terribly expensive, and within the next couple of months is going to be even more so (Cook County, where I live, is raising the tax on cigarettes by another US $2.25 a pack. The money spent on a month's worth of cigarettes would pay both my gas and electric!)