h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi all

It's been a busy time for me as some will know, and I apologise for being so variously absent from things recently - I hope everyone is doing okay. It's been very quiet around here what with one thing or another but I hope no-one's losing faith in the group.

There is something now I need to seek some advice on, I hope anyone can help.

While Cindy was here we met my next-door neighbour and her new boyfriend, who announced *their* engagement, and asked if I could attend their wedding (which is next Wednesday) and bear witness. I said I would be happy to, at the time.

But over the last couple of weeks I've been given more than enough reason to retract that sentiment. They have been fighting constantly and the noise (which is mostly coming from her) has been followed by considerable slamming noises, though only fists against sideboards and such, and occasional wars with the severely schizophrenic woman downstairs, formerly her (only) friend and now utterly against his presence in her life.

Numerous other neighbours have knocked - or banged, on the door and one has been threatened and threatening. I have stood back and done my best not to inflame the situation with my own issues, but push is coming to shove and I do need to address it.

I'm given to understand that he's mildly deaf which might account for part of her volume but he's also usually very drunk, and it's obvious to me now she has more than her fair share of experience in abusive relationships. She is generally very quiet and unobtrusive and has plenty of her own mental health problems to contend with - there have been times in the past where she would scream out of desperation and loneliness. I've done my best to be a good neighbour and ensure she felt safe and that I could be approached at any time. This current situation though is proving difficult.

I'm sure in time they will be able to sort some things out, indeed they already have but I know what I'm hearing, and I know that I can't consent to a marriage which seems so obviously ruinous to both their wellbeing. They have been cycling from violent arguments to relative periods of quiet but the cycles have been rapid, and the peaks have been monumental. The whole block has been party to some of it and at times it continues long into the night.

The housing association 'are aware of the situation', though that is cold comfort for anyone. But it is not stopping - I don't feel I can presume to go round there and wax post-traumatic to them about it, and there is no recourse to contact the police until something 'serious' happens.

So I'm left in a position of inaction and enabling continuance of an abuse situation by not being involved. Still the noise which is both irritating and triggering me stupid, is ongoing; they marry next week and are expecting an RSVP, which I just don't feel I can supply positively.

Perhaps there should have been another commandment;

"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's emotional problems.' I don't know.

How do folks think I should handle this?

You could approach her with a witty comment about wedding jitters are very noisy these days, and see how she responds.

Being a witness is purely a legal thing, you are not consenting to their wedding just witnessing it. So you could still witness whether you consent or not.

Kaz is correct that witnessing a marriage is merely a legal formality. But...

I agree with you, Krispy, that there is also a certain level of responsibility which goes in hand with being witness to something. I'm not sure I'd want to participate, either, having also heard some of what goes on next door while I was there.

As far as 'not getting involved' goes, there is little you can do except for what you've done thus far, continuing to make whoever you can aware of what's going on an expressing your concern for their wellbeing. It's a damn shame that the police and authorities can't (or won't) get involved until after 'something happens'. That seems to be universal.

The sad thing is that while your neighbor and her boyfriend- who seem like decent people all in all, really- should probably sort things out first and then get married later down the road, they're going to do what they want no matter what. But I can see why you wouldn't want to be an active participant.

Perhaps there's some way that something REALLY IMPORTANT comes up for Wednesday that you couldn't possibly get out of or reschedule, that your neighbor would understand?

Generally, I'd say it would be better to be honest. But this might be one of those cases where being completely honest would hurt someone else, or cause problems for you. Maybe a really, really important obligation elsewhere would allow you to bow out gracefully while saving face, as you still do need to live near these people for the time being, at least.

Just my and I'm probably wrong.

Kaz is correct that witnessing a marriage is merely a legal formality. But...

I agree with you, Krispy, that there is also a certain level of responsibility which goes in hand with being witness to something. I'm not sure I'd want to participate, either, having also heard some of what goes on next door while I was there.

As far as 'not getting involved' goes, there is little you can do except for what you've done thus far, continuing to make whoever you can aware of what's going on an expressing your concern for their wellbeing. It's a damn shame that the police and authorities can't (or won't) get involved until after 'something happens'. That seems to be universal.

The sad thing is that while your neighbor and her boyfriend- who seem like decent people all in all, really- should probably sort things out first and then get married later down the road, they're going to do what they want no matter what. But I can see why you wouldn't want to be an active participant.

Perhaps there's some way that something REALLY IMPORTANT comes up for Wednesday that you couldn't possibly get out of or reschedule, that your neighbor would understand?

Generally, I'd say it would be better to be honest. But this might be one of those cases where being completely honest would hurt someone else, or cause problems for you. Maybe a really, really important obligation elsewhere would allow you to bow out gracefully while saving face, as you still do need to live near these people for the time being, at least.

Just my and I'm probably wrong.

Sorry about the stupid double posting. ing servers!

Don't do it. You would feel horrible about it. Go with your gut feelings, even if legally it means not a jot, neither does marriage itself really unless it actually means something emotionally to the people concerned.

Can you arrange to be somewhere else? A white lie is preferable to feeling that somehow you have been *sigh* emotionally blackmailed/controlled/pressured into doing something that YOU aren't comfortable with.

Just don't do ANYTHING YOU feel is wrong for you. Any other way is back to Victim NOT Survivor!

Bonne Courage,

Terri.

*waves at Psychocandy too; was out all day yesterday flat-hunting, so no msn or phone, but will be in tonight; squeak soon*

Thanks for your contributions folks. They're still fighting occasionally, I'll let you know whatI decide.