h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Anything specific in mind?!

Nothing specific at the moment
I know you have put it into practice and done well with the phobias!

Nothing specific at the moment
I know you have put it into practice and done well with the phobias!


Once again 20 minutes per post

Nothing specific at the moment
I know you have put it into practice and done well with the phobias!


Once again 20 minutes per post

Nothing specific at the moment
I know you have put it into practice and done well with the phobias!


SCREAM 20 minutes trying to post this

WOW 4!!

Congrats abbi!

trying for ONE now!

Wow and you achieved that also!

I also achieved writing a return email to you

Thanks abbi, I got it! I'm busy writing you a reply.

I was reading your personal page.
Very interesting, thoughtful and compassionate.
I tried to post but was not allowed. Darn servers, I am trying for one here!

Thought I'd pop over and see what is happeningQuiet as usual on a sunday.

Just thought I'd try getting back to some of the child within issues.

On the down side I never got over wanting a Mom.
When the worst would happen .I never had that Mom you can call. No Mom that would lighten the load by taking some,by listening by understanding, by giving in any way. After a while I quit expecting. That helped a lot, accepting and not expecting.

I did not stop expecting to have needs, I just stop expecting any to be filled by her. It never changed...that feeling of wanting or needing a mom, same at 40 as it felt at 4. It can be quite an intense void. I expect it to show again sometime. Not until I lost my father in death did I feel the *missing* of a Dad. I feel him nearly as much as before I just cannot squeeze him.I never knew my bio Dad so he stood alone as my father figure.

The biggest heart ache I have about my Dad is believing "he knew" and approved of how my Mother treated me. He only found out after I left and I refused to return. He came to me saying he was sure it was all his fault, afterall Mom had told him so. It was the first time I told him what life what like for us. His heart was broken, that broke mine. Learning that I held something against him he was not even aware of was painful. Dad was dead 20 years before Mom realized how lucky she was it did happen.

When I take the hand of the child inside, it is as an adult filling in the gaps as best I can. It's not mom ,it's not perfec,t and it's not instant magic. It's practiced over years,decades.

A fairy tale version of Mom is what everyone seeks really.
It's just that some are farther from it than others, all a matter of degrees but no contest.

I never got to be a mother. I am sure I would have been so hypervigilant, would have not been good for anyone.
I enjoy kids, I especailly enjoy listening to them. I figure that is one thing they never get enough of no matter the age

Hi Abbi

I've never gotten over wanting a mom, either. And I've never stopped trying to please her, to win her approval, or whatever it is I'm trying to do. It's sad to have to learn not to expect a mother to be able to fill any of your needs, because the needs *are* there, and they do need to be filled.

You know, I can relate to believing that Dad knew what was going on, at least on some level. He certainly made himself scarce a lot. It's hard to believe that the mother could do the things she did without Dad approving, albeit silently. Sometimes I wonder if I've got something against my Dad, too.

I'm not sure if it's a fairy tale version of a mother I've wanted, or just any mother at all. Like you say, as an adult, it's time to fill that void myself. Fortunately, I'm learning, slowly but surely, to nurture the child within and to give her the love she deserves. She even gets to come out and have some fun these days.

Thanks Candy, I am glad to hear you are making progress
It is a slow process huh? Realizing that is half the battle.
It's a very big step you have taken, a huge hurdle to begin to nuture yourself!

Hi again abbi and Psychocandy!

I just want to say a few things here. First of all, mothers don't have to be fairytale mothers to just be OK mothers. My mom for instance wasn't ever a fairytale mother. In fact when I was small I had severe problems with my mom. And these problems persisted until after I was an adult! In this sense I also kinda felt that I did not have quite exactly the mom I wanted. But you know, my mom did always love me, and there were indeed many times during which we were able to get quite close. But anyways, you know what, my relationship with my mom only really started improving recently ... in other words when I was in my late twenties and now in my thirties! The problem stopped and now we're really close, a lot of the time. I now help out my mom with a lot of things. I also appreciate her a lot more than before. Not that I did *not* appreciate her before ... it's just that I now appreciate her more. I understand her better, I admire her more. She wasn't ever perfect, but she's good enough. Good enough as a person, and as a mom.

The problem I had with my mom was rather a small one though at the time for me it was terrible. But she never neglected me, she never abused me either physically or psychologically. Neither did my dad. The thing is, I can feel *safe* with my parents. If my parents were otherwise, I would not have felt safe with them. My parents actually have to be kinda one-in-a-million people just to be able to put up with me and deal with my condition. If I had other parents I would probably have been dead by now.

I think by now I have an idea about how parents should treat their kids, and what kind of parents they should be, to just be OK and not harmful to their kids, or 'toxic parents' as the title of one book would have it. They first of all have to love their kids, and tell them and show them that they really love them. Secondly they also have to be really sensitive to their kids' psychological needs, not just the physical. And they have to be reasonably interested in the overall wellbeing of their kids. Really, it's not an impossible job.

I know however that there are some 'things' that can make it hard for people to be good parents. If they themselves have serious psychological problems, or severe insecurities, for instance. This is why so far I haven't even yet seriously attempted a *relationship*, let alone think of having children.

But anycase ... I have a good mom and dad ... and yet I still have a sort of need, a hole inside me ... I always wanted, and still want, to be a member of a *community* of people, not just a family. To experience peace and goodwill from the people I come into contact with. I've always experienced it otherwise ... that it was the family against the rest of the world. Trust no one except those extremely well known. Because we never really integrated well into our society, our communities ... in the years in which I grew up this was such a bad country, conditions in general were so chaotic, anarchic, and danger was everywhere ... we got so isolated, we felt so small and alone ... I experienced the family as a teeny-tiny fort, a very flimsy bulwark against a terrible, cruel, barbaric army coming to invade and destroy us. A tiny island amidst raging waves and tempestuous winds and storms. I've just always had in me this immense need for *peace*, for feeling safe and at home amidst the other people. I've always had the need to belong, to have a home, to have *people*, to belong to a *people*. That's why I got into Afrikaner Resistance movements as a teenager. And now that dream has also turned out to be a nightmare. And I still have the gaping hole inside me.

Do you think it makes sense at all, to have this kind of need, abbi and Psychocandy?

Oh yes! I have heard that from many people ,a hole where they feel a sense of community is missing.

The fairy tale Mom comes to mind with people that have had OK parents but long for the perfect. It also comes with bleieving others did have it but not yourself. No one has a fairy tale Mom. A few are more than dissapointed. I have always said perfection would be abusive and lead to unreal expectations too!

I think you sound especially compassionate and you did not experience this. I did not either except as a very young child. I see it with adults that have not grown up, not made their parents people, but still remain thier parents child, more than an adult with parents.

I undertsand the "family fort" that too comes about in different ways. It can be appropriately protective , overly protective or sick.
It is classic in an abuse situation. I am glad you had some comfort in your family fort. It is hard to discuss these things quickly or simply because degrees of; the balance and the effect mean everything to the individual!