h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Okay, most of you already know me. I'm a (almost) 31-year-old girl from Chicago, Illinois. For reasons I'm sure you'll understand, I'm not terribly comfortable with giving out my "real" name online. I'm going to have a go at elaborating a bit on what got me here to begin with... I'm not sure how well I'll do, but here goes nothing.

I'm quite certain that the problems at home began mainly on account of my being born prematurely. Now, I know for a fact (and have mentioned before) that a lot of my mother's "issues" with me stemmed from being abused herself as a child and me reminding her so much of herself... but I didn't know that until I was well into my twenties. So as a child, I took everything that was said and done to me at face value.

I was born about 13 weeks early, weighing in at about 3 lbs. Back then, babies that small were kept in the NICU in an incubator until they weighed 5 lbs. So I spent the first several weeks of my life in a sterile incubator, and was bottle-fed formula. The doctors warned, when my parents were able to bring me home, that I'd likely suffer all kinds of developmental problems. I actually got off pretty lucky, with only allergies and asthma to worry about.

Right from the time they brought me home, I disliked being held and coddled. My dad has told me that I'd arch my back up and make little fists any time someone picked me up. I wasn't breast-fed, either, so I never really "bonded" with my mother to begin with. I believe that set off a lot of her own issues, and laid the groundwork for a volatile relationship later. As time went by, I grew to resemble her more and more in both appearance and personality, and became the perfect effigy for her self-loathing and repressed rage.

I can actually remember quite clearly a lot of things from my childhood. I was very quiet but precocious, very intelligent, compliant, and extremely compulsive. I never made too much noise, never made a mess, never soiled my clothes. I was always an honor student and at the top of my class. And none of these things earned her approval... no matter what, I'd always manage to do something "wrong". My sister (who, incidentally, is a nasty, spoiled person even still) was the "golden child"; I was the "whipping boy" who even got spanked if my sister did something wrong. Once she figured out that she could get me into trouble, boy, did she ever.

It didn't take too long for me to learn that crying made things worse. I think I've cried a half dozen times in the past 25 years. Maybe less. Whippings ceased when my mother saw blood, or when her arm hurt too much to hit any more. One thing I really hated was being pulled by my hair. When I got a bit bigger, "spankings" ceased, and she switched to a closed fist, or whatever was handy- coat hangers, extension cords, blah blah blah. That's when things started to get really bad. Up until then, she'd been careful to hit on my back, so no one could see. When she started screwing up and hitting in the face, people started catching on. The broken jaw made it a bit more obvious, and the last straw was when I was 13. She'd punched me so hard I fell, and she pulled me up by my arm. When I went to school the next day wearing a pressure bandage and asking to be excused from PE, it was discovered that I had a spiral fracture of the wrist and a mild concussion. At this time, I went to stay somewhere else until I was 16, at which point I petitioned the court for emancipation.

While I was in junior high, while still living in my parents' home, I made my first suicide attempt. I don't remember how serious an effort it was, I have scars but they're not very deep. The therapist I was sent to after that said it was just done for attention. Whatever the case may be, I'll never forget the words my mother spoke to me when she was driving home from the doctor... "why don't you do it RIGHT next time?"

During the time just prior to my 16th birthday, I was taking the train and a bus to and from school. One day I stayed after for a school function and left quite late. When I got to the bottom of the steps from the train platform, someone grabbed me from behind and dragged me into an alley. There, seven young men (they turned out to be gang members involved in an initiation) took turns sexually assaulting me while one man held me down with a gun in my mouth. When it was over, one of them spit on my face, and dragged me behind a dumpster, where he told me to get on my knees. He then put the gun against the back of my head and pulled the trigger.... "click!" The thing had stuck. I don't remember doing it, but I got up, hit the guy as hard as I could (hard enough to break a few knuckles, it turns out) and ran like hell until I wound up somewhere, I've no idea how I got there.

Fortunately, I was able to pick one of the perps out of a lineup because I recognised a tattoo he had, and he ratted out his partners in crime as part of a plea bargain. I testified in court, and all seven were convicted. Four of them were paroled in 1994, the remaining three last summer. Because I was a minor at the time, the records were sealed; I was never identified by name, so I'm physically safe from them. In some ways, though, it's like they killed part of me, and I can't get it back no matter how hard I try.

It was shortly after being assaulted (you know, I can't say the R-word without feeling ill) that I tried offing myself again. It was a serious attempt- Sterno can be lethal if ingested, but I received good medical attention. The only long-term effect I have is a tendency to ketoacidosis, and the occasional kidney stone.

In February, 1995 I married a guy I'd dated on and off for quite some time. As do most couples, we had our good times and our bad times. I won't say he was my "soul mate", but he was the first person who'd ever really made me feel like I was someone worth caring about.

During the summer of 1996, we were driving home from a party one evening, and were hit from behind by another vehicle (the driver of which was extremely drunk) and slammed into a guardrail. I sustained relatively minor injuries- a fair-sized puncture wound to my forehead above my eye, which caused some nerve damage but no serious neurological effects, fractures to my skull and two of the vertebrae in my neck, and a dislocated shoulder. Hubby wasn't so lucky, the steering column had crushed his chest. I did my best to try to stop the bleeding, but I couldn't. He died on the scene. Sometimes, I feel guilty that I was the one who survived. Sometimes, I think that if I'd only tried harder, if I'd only done better... maybe he'd still be here. I guess you could say I hold myself responsible. I still can't drive to this day; the panic attacks are far too severe.

I'd actually been doing "fine" for several years, or at least I thought I was. Last spring, two weeks after moving into a new apartment, I lost my job, and have had nothing but dead-end leads for the past year. This past week, I picked up a short-term contract assignment, but it is only a temporary fix. I pretty much depleted both my savings and my retirement account over the past year, and for the past three or four months have felt like I'm pretty much at the end of my rope. The frustration and futility I've been feeling has been bringing back into the open a lot of feelings that I'd stuffed deep down and tried to forget about. I have a roommate who cuts me down and makes me feel like a huge failure all the time. I'm also standing up for my best friend's wedding this month, and all of the preparations and showers and stuff have been setting me off again and again. It's not that I'm not happy for her, I am- I love her very much and am honored to be contributing to her special day. Being around all these people is just overwhelming and uncomfortable. I absolutely hate big crowds of people, they make me want to crawl right out of my skin. I don't know how to explain it, but there it is.

I've also got fibromyalgia, so I often feel run-down physically as well. When that happens, I suffer from insomnia and depression, and it's a vicious cycle that I'm sure many of you can relate to. It's hard to even think about facing and trying to work through stuff when you're in excruciating pain and haven't slept for days. Honestly, at least half of the time, I wish I didn't exist. Sometimes I swear the only thing keeping me going is sheer obstinacy. Victory in defeat, or something like that... I know I can't win, but I'm not ready to give up yet.

For some reason, I've been feeling a bit antisocial, yet at the same time kind of needy, lately. On one hand, I constantly find excuses to avoid doing things with friends, and I push and push people away from me. On the other hand, I get incredibly lonely sometimes. And there are some friends I'd love to spend more time with if I could. I hate leaving the house sometimes because I'm not one of the beautiful people and I know that when people look at me, they're gawking at how ugly I am.

That just about covers everything, I think. So, now I've shared a bit more about what it is I'm trying to learn to live with. Maybe it'll help?

Hey,Psychocandy, I can relate to a hell of a lot of what you are saying, even the fibromyalgia bit (do visit De Myelin Nation at A889194 to talk to others with this sort of problem.) As for the rest of the horror, thank god, I haven't had the "R" one, but mummy from hell, oh yes, plus a few other nasties! I really hope that I am finally getting over it now; I really hope & believe that people like us have a massive survival instinct which pulls us through it; but god knows, it is not easy!

A lot of it, I just am not prepared to go into on a public forum, but if you'd like to email me (please find some way of making it plain from the title of the email who you are!) if it might help to talk; I am at:
[email protected]

--there, that's well concealed isn't it!

Terri

Hi, Terri!

Thanks for that link, I'll check it out in a tick. It's a problem not many people seem to understand.

I agree with you that people who've been through horrible things- no matter what they are- do develop a strong survival instinct. It's not easy, I've come so close to giving up so many times, but somehow I always manage to keep my head above water.

I'll definitely e-mail you, thanks! You know, I'm not terribly confident that I was ready to talk about it in a public forum either. But during the past few weeks I've realized how badly I need help from somewhere... and all other avenues have failed me thus far, even therapy. All of you here have helped me immensely already, and I'm hoping to be able to help in return.

Thanks again,
psychocandy

Massive survival instinct is right - so massive we become capable of enduring all sorts of horror and spend all the rest of our lives flipping out in anticipation of the next one. PTSD.

I had no idea the extent of what you'd been through. I can only respect you more for having come so far, stayed so strong and capable of so much in spite of it. You're amazing pc, and you *are* beautiful (I've met her, I have proof ).

Enjoy yourself today

Dear Psychocandy, thank you *very much* for writing your bit! I can only confirm what the others have said, that there is a hell of a lot that I, too can relate to! So it is definitely serving the purpose of telling people 'you're not alone'!

The situation with your mother is something encountered quite often ... a cycle of abuse that gets carried from a mother who was abused as a child to her children, or in your case, one of her children. This is also why it helps that people be aware of all the 'legacies' of child abuse ... so that, if it should happen that they should ever have children, that the cycle of abuse doesn't get perpetuated onto *their* children. Even someone who's aware of the damage the abuse does ... children can easily do things that somehow bring out all of the fear and anger and such nasty things from an abused person's past if these things haven't been properly dealt with already. This is part of the reason why I'm still hesitant about starting a romantic relationship and having children ... I really honestly and truly have to be certain that I've ironed out every kink in my psyche first because I don't want any nasty surprises for me or my 'soulmate' or for our kids if we ever have them.

Your biggest problem, as a legacy of your mother's abuse, would be to really start feeling confident about yourself and your abilities and also your future. Also to not transfer feelings of loathing to other people. I just want to say that based on what I've come to know about you, you *are* a very intelligent, very interesting, very capable, wonderful person ... and as Chris vouches for you, beautiful as well! In fact I would go so far as to call you *admirable*. I respect all people, but I don't admire them all. You, however, are one of the few that I actually admire. Just know that, and know that there's hope for you. I really know perfectly well that you still have problems in spades ... you know, I have them too, and I'm sure many other people here as well. I also often feel that I'm totally useless, incapable of achieving even the slightest success ... with nothing meaningful to do, no means of even keeping myself alive ... but I've managed to remain alive for much longer than I thought I would, despite all that.

You may need some direct and concrete help from some friends, some times, and I really hope that you can ask for, and get, it. Your present circumstances are pretty rotten it seems ... I mean not having a job, a reliable livelihood, and living with a roommate who cuts you down. I'm praying and hoping your situation can improve, and as soon as possible. This is something important ... trauma survivors are often 'unsuccessful' and 'social outcasts' and 'society' is in no hurry to accommodate us ... part of why I personally want to start creating a new kind of society. But that's still a far-off dream. I hope in this support group we can perhaps help each other out so we can become a bit more capable in this current society of helping ourselves.

You know there are many similarities between us! You were born premature ... I was born on time, but there were complications and I had to be removed by forceps which gave me some nerve damage in my face. But my mother did not reject me, thank God ... even so I did have problems bonding with her. In my case it was because she smoked and for some reason I could never stand it... I have such an extreme aversion to cigarette smoke that one of my friends who knows about such stuff thinks that smoking for me is a PTS trigger because of something some smoker did to me as a small child. I don't know if that is true or not, it might be. But as for my mother, she only learnt about this much later and stopped smoking in my presence and a few years ago stopped smoking altogether and only now, as an adult, I'm really starting to bond with her. I also developed allergies and asthma as a kid.

Anyways back to you ... the experience with the gang members must have been ultra-horrible. This is something that makes me physically sick as well. That people can actually form such gangs that rule by fear and where 'initiation' consists in inflicting such pain and fear on another human being ... and that they were even willing to kill you afterwards ... it is horrible beyond expression. You see this is why I also think we need a new kind of society, in which gangs like these cannot exist. And how many other people suffer the same sort of thing? Many actually do get killed by the gangs ... here in South Africa there are also such gangs, and violent crime is rampant, including such violence against women and children. They are like beasts more predatory than any other animals, that prey on the weak and defenseless. Here there is an actual epidemic of killings where old white couples who live on farms are attacked, tortured and killed. My own father was accosted in his office at university by two men armed with guns, and he believed that he would be shot. This sort of thing happened to friends of ours as well and some have actually been shot, though very luckily not shot dead. But I have one friend whose father was actually killed by a gang ... they also accosted him in broad daylight in his office and butchered him with knives.

You were incredibly courageous to hit the guy, get away and get them convicted as well!

As for your husband's death in the accident ... that is a very very bad thing to have happened. Once again it was an asshole with no concern for other people's safety who was at fault ... again this is the sort of thing that happens a lot. I also knew and know about people who have been killed by drunk drivers. Again the really crappy society in which we live. There is nothing you could have done differently ... I don't know the details of your religious beliefs, but I do believe the soul lives on and that there is some realm in which your soul and his could meet again. That's the only way I can think of to come to terms with such a thing ... except also to say that I hope you could find *another* soulmate here as well ... there's no reason why not, if that is indeed what you would like to do.

There are more similarities between us! For instance feeling very uncomfortable in crowds. I have that as well! I totally avoid parties and I feel most comfortable when speaking to just one or two people in a quiet and relaxed setting. And also the fibromyalgia! Yes indeed ... I was diagnosed with it a few years ago. Back then I was in great pain almost all of the time. It was incredibly discomfiting because it hit me at what I was best at ... my painting ... because when I sat and painted my back and shoulders quickly became racked with extreme pain. I also had pain in almost all of my joints and muscles. But, in some manner, I seem to have overcome that ... by now I only experience a mild degree of pain and only on some days. I sometimes get a bit painful, still, while painting, but I can now paint for several hours a day.

And lastly, I also worry about not being one of the so-called 'beautiful people'! I try not to, but the constant bombardment from movies and advertisments and such do seem to get to my subconscious. I'm worried about getting old and not even having a girlfriend yet ... I'm 31 and I'm getting a few wrinkles and I'm losing my hair and I have some other shortcomings as well ... I'm worried about not being attractive enough or adequately equipped for someone else to be able to even think of romantically ...

Yeah, and I also tend to being antisocial ... pushing people away ... not going out and visiting friends as much as I should ...

Now finally, the survival instinct ... yes that is the really important thing and please, just keep on fighting! It's not something that we can take for granted, that we'll always survive and pull through ... some people indeed do not make it ... but I just want to say this, please keep fighting and keep staying alive because in the end it really could be worth it, to stay alive, because really, there are some really awesomely wonderful things in life, the Universe and everything, for the sake of experiencing it would help to stay alive!

It does feel good to have people say "I can relate to a hell of a lot of this" or "I feel that way too, at times". God, it is easier to carry on knowing I don't have to try to bear it alone. I do hope I can help some of you, too. You also have my respect and admiration, because I know how hard you're all fighting, too. I believe in you all!

Willem, it continually amazes me how much you and I have in common, in spite of some differences in our individual experiences! Sometimes when I read what you write, I'm seeing my own thoughts in front of me, in black and white. What a relief, to know that it's not just me thinking or feeling the way I do!

Thank you all for your prayers (whoever they're too, I'm not picky ) and encouragement and stuff. I wish I could tell you exactly much you are all helping me... It means a lot to hear that I *am* being strong and courageous. I *want* to go on living, and experience as much of the world as I can! I could care less about what "society" sees as successful, my idea of success is being happy and content. I'm there about half the time, and I'm working on getting all the way there.

You know, as far as gangs (of various kinds) preying on the weak... same thing goes for abusers of children, no matter what form the abuse takes. What is it about our society that teaches people it's okay- or good, even- to cause harm to someone smaller or weaker than you? It's just sick. There is a passage in "Stranger In A Strange Land", which I've been reading this week, which takes place at the zoo, in the monkey house. Jill throws one of the monkeys a peanut, and a bigger monkey comes along and beats him up, stealing his peanut in the process. The smaller monkey doesn't fight back. He instead finds another even smaller monkey, and gives him an even worse beating than the one he'd gotten... while the other monkeys go about their business as if nothing were happening. This sums it all up!

All I can say is that for my part, I always try to be a better monkey, and not find someone smaller than me to take my frustrations out on. I am confident that if I ever have children (not sure about that yet), I won't vent my anger on them... I'm actually afraid I'll go to the other extreme... I usually let people get away with far too much. That's one thing I've go to work on, is believing it's okay to be assertive sometimes!

Thanks, Krispy and Willem. For thinking well of me and for letting me know it. s and es right back at ya!

Psychocandy, please let us know when things are hard for you again, and in just what way they are hard ... we're here to offer help and support after all! Anything, even if it seems like something small.

Terri, I've checked out 'De Myelin Nation' and it's a bit confusing! I still don't know exactly what fibromyaliga is, or de-myelination ... the definition on the page is missing! What exactly is the function of the 'De Myelin Nation' page?

And Terri and Psychocandy both ... how does the fibromyalgia affect you and how bad does it get, if I may ask?

Hi Willem, and everyone,

It's been a really good weekend, I've had heaps of fun hanging out with a couple of you. I've been feeling pretty good overall, but I'll be sure to let you all know when I need some encouragement... and you be sure to do the same.

To answer your question about my fibromyalgia, in my case, I experience muscle and joint pain all over, in varying degrees. On a good day, the pain is isolated to my knees and neck and I'm able to carry on "business as usual". On my bad days, it also affects my shoulders, lower back and wrists in addition to my knees and neck, and the pain is excruciating. Sometimes, it's similar to the way you'd feel if you had a fever or the flu- my muscles ache all over, my joints scream in pain, I get ripping migraines (along with senstivity to light, sounds, and smells) and jaw pain, and I feel completely devoid of energy, as if the life has been sucked out of me. I also experience extremely painful menstrual periods, upset stomach, and pleurisy.

Another symptom of fibromyalgia which I experience is what's called an "alpha-EEG anomaly". This means that while I might be able to sleep, I don't experience "REM sleep", and I wake up feeling as if I haven't slept a wink. Sometimes, the pain is so bad I can't fall asleep at all. The insomnia makes it hard for me to concentrate, I feel "spaced-out", unable to focus. It also leaves me feeling very depressed... and the exhaustion and depression result in further lack of sleep and feeling extremely vulnerable to PTS triggers... it's a self-perpetuating cycle of depression, anxiety, pain and fatigue. Fortunately, I have many more good days than bad, and I'm able to get through most of the bad ones fairly well. While it's a chronic illness with no known cure, I've learned what aggravates my symptoms, and do my best to avoid aggravating them. It's not always a completely debilitating condition.

To the best of my knowledge, fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome aren't casued by demyelination. I don't think anyone really kows the "cause", but it can be triggered by such things as automobile accidents, serious infection, or onset of illnesses such as lupus.

My flare-ups are usually triggered by cold, damp and/or rainy weather, high humidity levels, PMS, anxiety and stress.

I'm currently under the care of a rheumatologist, I use anti-inflammatory drugs for the pain as needed, and the occasional valium to aid with sleep. A few years ago, when my symptoms were much worse, I took Xanax, which elevates serotonin levels which effect the body's ability to control immune function, sleep and pain levels. I probably should still be taking it! Good, restful sleep helps to alleviate the chronic fatigue, which in turn alleviates many of the other symptoms. Chiropractic care and massage therapy have always helped me out a lot, as well.

Hi Psychocandy
you survived all that and you are here to tell the tale. You havn't given up and even experience happyness sometimes. Well done you have come a long way.

I read an annie lennox interview where she said she craves loneliness and company, I thought that sounds like me! Maybe its because I'm an only child, but I crave friends, but then often wish I could go home and be on my own. It sounds like you have the same feelings.

I wish I could think of more to say, but your life story shocked and saddened me, and I am lost for words. I will come back when inspiration strikes. Its great though that you are feeling more happiness, keep that up!

Ooh, just remembered what you said about pain, I have had a bad stomach since 1999. I also experience chest and back pain which goes up into the jaw, I was rushed to hospital cause thats symptoms of a heart attack, but it wasn't. I think its a panic attack or I don't know. Doctors are not helpful when your symptoms are not obvious, but the pain is horrific and scares me a lot.

Hi Kaz! Your chest and back pain certainly sounds scary! Panic attacks can be really terrible. I've had panic attacks that felt like I was having a heart attack before, I had a job where I had them once or twice a week, and it's not at all pleasant. I hope your doctors will be able to help more if it happens again. Even more than that, I hope you don't experience it again at all! Your bad stomach's got to be absolutely awful... I'm fortunate that mine only acts up sporadically, usually only for a few days at a time, and that's more than bad enough!

Hi Psychocandy, did you find it helped a lot to get a diagnosis, and were the doctors sympathetic?

Hey Kaz

When I had my first panic attack, it was while attempting to drive a car again after my accident... and it was quite obvious to myself and my therapist what caused it. The first time I had one at work, it was pretty scary, because it was much more severe, and it did help to get to hospital and find out that I wasn't having a coronary. It helped that the doctor *was* sympathetic, and didn't say something like "it was *only* an anxiety attack", I tell you!

It really helped a lot to get the fibromyalgia diagnosis when I switched to my current doctor about 3 years ago. It beats just feeling like crap much of the time and not knowing why. He was very sympathetic, and provided me with a plethora of information and resources available to me if I needed them. My GP is actually more understanding and helpful than my therapists have been!

Hello kaz, psychocandy, Willem & anyone out there who may be lurking (erm, was Krispy here too, or was that another thread?)

As you can probably tell, I am suffering a bit from information overload on all this; also guilt at not replying to emails, plus now worrying about De Myelin Nation misleading info, plus various RL complications....

Whatever, I can't do it all, neither can you, it is so good that we are all here & trying to help each other. Possibly being able to admit that we can't do it all is yet one more way of climbing out of the pit?

We shall see.

to you all.

Stranger in a strange land struck a chord; not only because it is such a good book!

Terri.

Hi Terri! It's great to hear from you again!

There's nothing to feel guilty about... no, none of us can do it all, although we certainly do try, don't we? The link to the De Myelin Nation group was very helpful, for me at least, because while the actual causes may be different, a lot of the symptoms and psychological effects are very similar. If nothing else, it's helpful to know that there's others one can commiserate with when feeling crappy, and offer support to when not! Please don't worry or feel guilty about anything... says the pot to the kettle!

RL complications are much more important... we've all got them in varying degrees and certainly those things come first. I'll always be here to help, Terri, even if I haven't got it anywhere near together myself. Thanks so much for just being here!

What about the book was it that struck a chord with you? There's a few parts which have hit me pretty hard... I still haven't finished on account of working too much this week (I thought I'd best grab all the overtime I can just in case)!

and s
psychocandy

The title!

It's how I feel so much of the time; it actually makes me giggle to myself now; I just think "oh well, at least there is a decent book named after this!"

Trying to plough through some of my massive hootoo backlog, maybe that will make me feel a bit more in control of things.

for being here too & for the positive comments everyone, it helps, it really does.

Terri.

Psychocandy, I can't believe you've come through so many harrowing ordeals and survived. You are one tough cookie! I have suffered from PTSD since a breakdown in 1993, but my problems seem trivial in comparison. (See my thread, anniversary of trauma) I've got a lot to be grateful for, you've really opened my eyes to that. I was a premie like you were (2 pounds, 12 ounces), but I was welcomed into a large and loving family. I hope that you find a good job soon, and a better roommate. One more thing, you absolutely should not feel guilty about surviving that wreck - the wreck was not your fault, and there was nothing you could do.

JEllen

Terri, I know what you mean... I feel like an outcast most of the time myself. At least we've all got each other here, eh?

Hi, JEllen! Thanks so much for your kind and encouraging words! You know, I've got a lot to be grateful for too, I'm still alive and relatively sane, that's something! I don't think anyone's problems are trivial... but reading here what others have been through, I realise even I have been fortunate, things could always get worse. I'm off to read your thread now, although I'm supposed to be leaving for work so I mightn't have time to reply till later.

This perpetually feeling guilty is something I'm working at, and you all are a huge help!

Hi again everybody. OK, about the fibromyalgia ... I'm sorry to hear how it affects you Psychocandy, my own was not as bad as that. My doctor told me nothing at all about it, about what kind of disease it was. He just told me to take a low dosage of antidepressants for it. I don't know if that helped very much. But later when I had my second bad psychotic break and I was taken up in the clinic they started giving me antipsychotics as well. I now take an antidepressant in the morning and antipsychotics in the evening. The antipsychotics usually put me to sleep rather quickly. I now have a regular bedtime and a regular wake-up time. I go to bed around eleven the evening and I get up around nine the morning. I find that having a really long, deep and peaceful night's sleep helps me in many ways, not the least of which is that I usually relax and most of the muscle pains go away.

I must say I'm fortunate in terms of dreaming as well. I think the antipsychotics actually enrich my dream life. At least since I've been taking them my dreams have been more vivid. I do dream a lot, still, though recently the dreams haven't been that vivid ... but anyways I think it's also a good thing to have a good dream life.

At any rate, over time I've been able to 'work out' the fibromyalgia in various ways, some of them very unorthodox. But like I said elsewhere, I'm no longer significantly troubled by it. I'm hoping that you, too, could find ways to recover from it to the point where it's no longer a hindrance.

Oh and about the 'Stranger in a Strange Land' ... I also feel like an alien on earth. I don't like the human world at all, I think most societies in the world suck. The places in the world where I would most like to be are places devoid of humans. I think this is something I need to work on, but I don't yet know how.

Hi Willem! It's good to hear from you again today, I always look forward to Sunday mornings now!

The fibromyalgia's a hassle, but really, most of the time I don't notice it. It's acting up a bit today on account of the weather, but it's pretty much just my knees and neck. You get used to it after a while, and only notice when it's REALLY bad... it's usually when it's cold and rainy or when I'm premenstrual that I get the screaming migraines and pain all over, and there's always the valium for those days!

It's the lack of deep sleep and the not dreaming bit that really kicks my butt... I was actually speculating about something the other day, as much as I hate playing amateur psychologist... Do you think it's possible that my inability to dream might be psychosomatic... my unconscious protecting me from dreaming of things which might be terribly painful by jerking me awake before I hit that stage of sleep? The antianxiety meds (I took Trazodone for a year and a half) used to help me to sleep, but I find that drug-induced sleep isn't any better than none at all... I wake up feeling "hung over" and unrefreshed.