I Knew an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Snake

Contributed by Peta

A woman went swimming in India a few years back. She swallowed some of the water. Gradually, she began to develop a distended abdomen, along with a general feeling of abdominal discomfort. An MRI scan of her intestines revealed a 5ft snake. She had swallowed it when it was tiny, and it was living in her guts.

Any poison to kill it would also kill her. So they operated. But the doctors couldn't get it out because as they cut open the gut, the snake wriggled away to another part. So it is still in there. She just has to live with it....

Kidney Bandits

Contributed by zb

This is a true story, it has been confirmed! A friend in Australia rang it to confirm it, as he did not believe the story to begin with either.

This guy went out on a Saturday night a few weeks ago to a party. He was having a good time and had a couple of beers. Some girl seemed to like him and invited him to go to another party. He quickly agreed. She took him to a party in some apartment and they continued to drink, and even got involved with some drugs of an unknown type.

The next thing he knew, he woke up completely naked in a bathtub filled with ice. He was still feeling the effects of the drugs, but looked round to see he was alone. He looked down at his chest, which had "CALL 000 or YOU"LL DIE" written on it with lipstick. He saw a phone was on a stand next to the bathtub so he picked it up and dialled. He explained to the EMS operator what the situation was and that he didn't know where he was, what he took, or why he was really calling. She advised him to get out of the tub. He did, and asked him to look himself over the mirror. He did, and he ppeared normal, so she told him to check his back. He did, he found two 9 inch slits on his lower back. She told him to get back into the tub immediately, and they sent a rescue team over.

Apparently, after being examined, he found out more of what had happened. is kidneys were stolen. They were worth $10,000 each in the black market. (I was unaware this even existed). Several guesses are in order: the second party was a sham, the people involved had to be at least medical students, and it was not just recreational drugs he was given. Regardless, he is currently in the hospital on a life support, awaiting a spare kidney. The University of Sydney in conjunction with the Royal Prince Alfred hospital is conducting tissue research to match the victim with a donor.

The Sydney Police Department has confirmed that this is the work of a new crime ring that is targeting business travellers. This ring is well organised and well funded, has very skilled personnel, is currently operating in most major cities around the world, and recently very active in Sydney.

The crime begins when a business traveller goes to a lounge for a drink at the end of the work day. A person in the bar walks up as they sit alone and offers to buy them a drink. The last thing the traveller remembers until they wake up in a hotel room bathtub, their body submerged to their neck in ice, is sipping that drink. There is a note taped to the wall instructing them not to move and to call 000. A phone is on the a small table next to the bathtub for them to call. The business traveller calls 000 who have become quite familiar with this crime. The business traveller is instructed by the 000 operator to very slowly and carefully reach behind them and feel if there is a tube protruding from their back. The business traveller finds the tube and answers "YES". The 000 operator tells them to remain still, having already sent paramedics to help. The operator knows that both of the business traveller's kidneys had been harvested.

Deadly Diarrhea

Contributed by Reinhard the Virtual Researcher

On April 23 in Paderborn, Germany, conscientious zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt, 45, noticed that his prize 8,000-pound African elephant didn't seem to be producing his usual copious quantities of dung. "Friedrich had actually been concerned for several days because he knew that severe constipation can kill an elephant," assistant zookeeper Kurt Herrman recalled. "He told me he was going to stay late that Thursday night to treat Stefan with laxatives and possibly give him an enema. I offered to help, but he sent me on home, saying he had everything under control."

The zookeeper then gave his ailing animal 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs, and prunes. This didn't seem to have any effect, so he attempted to give the beast an olive oil enema, but it was then that disaster struck. Two hours later, horrified night watchman Walter Pleuger found Friedrich lying lifeless under a mound of 200lb of muck, his body visible only from the knees down.

"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Herr Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. I had never really thought about it before, but obviously, giving an elephant an enema can be a very dangerous activity -- and not something that should be attempted alone." Shrugging, he continued, "Well, at least the elephant feels better."

Soft Taco Suprise

Contributed by Colonel Sellers

This girl was really in a hurry one day, so she just stopped off at a Taco Bell and got a Chicken soft taco and ate it on the way home. That night she noticed her jaw was kind of tight and swollen.The next day it was a little worse, so she went to her doctor. He said she was just have an allergic reaction to something, and gave her some cream to rub on her jaw to help.

After a couple of days the swelling had just gotten worse, and she could hardly move her jaw. She went back to her doctor to see what was wrong. Her doctor had no idea, so he started to run some tests. They scrubbed out the inside of her mouth to get tissue samples, and they took some saliva samples. They found out what was wrong.

Apparently, her chicken soft taco had a pregnant roach hidden inside. The eggs then somehow got into her salivary glands, and she was incubating them in her mouth. They had to remove a couple a layers of her inner mouth to get all the eggs out. If they hadn't figured out what was going on, the eggs would have hatched inside the lining of her mouth.

She's suing Taco Bell, of course.

Contributed by Colonel Sellers

According to an article by Dr. Beverly Clark, in the Journal of the United Medical Association (JUMA), the mystery behind a recent spate of deaths has been solved. If you haven't already heard about it in the news, here is what happened. 3 women in Chicago turned up at hospitals over a 5 day period, all with the same symptoms: fever, chills, and vomiting, followed by muscular collapse, paralysis, and finally, death.

There were no outward signs of trauma. Autopsy results showed toxicity in the blood. These women did not know each other, and seemed to have nothing in common. It was discovered, however, that they had all visited the same restaurant (Big Chappies, at Blare Airport), within days of their deaths. The health department descended on the restaurant, shutting it down. The food, water, and air conditioning were all inspected and tested, to no avail.

The big break came when a waitress at the restaurant was rushed to the hospital with similar symptoms. She told doctors that she had been on vacation, and had only went to the restaurant to pick up her check. She did not eat or drink while she was there, but had used the restroom. That is when one toxicologist, remembering an article he had read, drove out to the restaurant, went into the restroom, and lifted the toilet seat. Under the seat, out of normal view, was small spider.

The spider was captured and brought back to the lab, where it was determined to be the South American Blush Spider (arachnius gluteus), so named because of its reddened flesh color. This spider's venom is extremely toxic, but can take several days to take effect. They live in cold, dark, damp climates, and toilet rims provide just the right atmosphere.

Several days later a lawyer from Los Angeles showed up at a hospital emergency room. Before his death he told the doctor that he had been away on business, had taken a flight from New York, changing planes in Chicago, before returning home. He did not visit Big Chappies while there. He did, as did all of the other victims, have what was determined to be apuncture wound on his right buttock. Investigators discovered that the flight he was on had originated in South America. The Civilian Aeronautics Board (CAB) ordered an immediate inspection of the toilets of all flights from South America, and discovered the Blush Spider's nests on 4 different planes!

It is now believed that these spiders can be anywhere in the country. So please, before you use a public toilet, lift the seat to check for spiders. It can save your life! And please pass this on to everyone you care about.

Accident Report

Contibuted by heathen

This man was in a work related accident, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient."

"I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which was fortunately attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower."

"Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone."

"Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11."

"As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."

Index

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