To Whom It May Concern

Created Mar 4, 2003 | Updated Mar 6, 2003

March 6th, 2003

Dear Sir or Madam,

Saturday,

The wheel of fortune is hardly round; it is certainly flat on the bottom. For some reason I have been extremely fortunate in the past few months to have been cast in small roles in several films. I told you at Valentine's of the joys I recently experienced playing opposite Barbara Hershey.

Now it seems I am destined to meet and work with yet another glamourous filmscreen siren. I have been given a small speaking role in an upcoming made-for-TV drama called Marth, Inc. based on the life of Martha Stewart.

The casting assistant who booked me didn't tell me who will be playing the role of Martha. Maybe she didn't realise that in a crowd-scene, supposedly set at some agricultural fair, my character, Farmer #1 speaks directly to the star character and says, "Hey Martha, I've got organic heirloom squashes over in aisle six."

Celebrity-spotting rumours abound in this city since Hollywood discovered us and our 65 cent dollar. I have it on good authority from three separate people, all claiming to be in-the-know, that the role of Martha is being played by Candice Bergen , Kathleen Turner or Cybill Shepherd . But I honestly still don't know for sure if it really is one of them.

My role is hardly an important one but when I consider the stellar qualities of those three ladies, I know that I have to prepare myself to deal with meeting any of them. They each have talent, beauty and no doubt a stunning personal presence. My only advantage will be that whoever-it-turns-out-to-be will simply fail to be either of the other two, or possibly all three. This is my trump card and if I survive the ordeal I will tell you more after the event.

I am waiting now for the phone to ring with instructions on where-and-when-to-be for make-up-and-wardrobe in the early morning and I'm honestly hoping they assume that I must know who it is by now and will fail to mention it. You see, I don't want to spoil tomorrow's surprise. Which I promise to share with you as soon as my heart rate returns to normal.

Monday,

Turns out it was Cybill Shepherd. Nice lady. Big smile. And a real professional. The crowd scene called for more than 100 extras in addition to four of us who had speaking parts. For some reason I ended up becoming Farmer #2 who has two lines. "Martha, I got a formula for making beefsteak tomatoes grow twice their normal size!" She smiles and replies inquisitively, "Without compromising the flavour?" and I assure her, "Absolutely!".

Never really had a chance to chat because her handlers were protecting her from the mob when the cameras weren't rolling and she was staying pretty much in character as 'Martha' both on and off camera. This helps the extras see her as that character and play their parts more convincingly.

The scene calls for the mob of fans to really 'crowd' around her in an adoring way crying "Martha, Martha!" which reminded of that scene in Jesus Christ Superstar where poor Jesus cries out "Stop! There are too many of you!" and disappears under their weight.

Cybill stood up to the multitudes like a true pro! So instead of adding to her troubles by trying to kiss her myself, as I might have done, I was too busy fending off the crush of dozens of extras who really were mobbing and groping in a most unseemly way. I haven't been in the midst of such a dense sea of humanity since taking part in college football riots many decades ago. What a curious feeling, the warmth of bodies pressing in from all sides, squeezing me closer and closer to Cybill who keeps waving and smiling and somewhow remains 'Martha' thru it all.

Other than unruly crowd dynamics it was an uneventful day except for one comment I overheard. An Assistant Director was quietly pointing out to the props people that several burlap produce sacks dressing the set had the names of Central and South American exporters and countries known to be "..on Amnesty International black-lists".

"Aw, that's OK," said the set dresser, "So's Martha Stewart."

If you ever see Martha, Inc. listed in your TV guide check it out. I'm the farmer in the straw hat in very last scene.

peace,
~jwf~