The 168th Greatest Story in the Universe - A Tribute
Created | Updated Jan 5, 2004
Part Two
’Who are you?’ Terry awoke to see an old man’s face,
worn and bearded. ‘Go find your own place, you lazy drunk. This is
mine!’
Terry was just getting his bearings as the old man threatened him again.
‘Are you deaf? Scram!’
’Who are you?’ asked Terry.
’I’m the Easter bunny. What does it look like? I’m a
tramp.’
‘And you live here?’
The tramp looked at Terry as if wondering if he was all there. ‘You
catch on quickly, don’t you?’
’But this is a Train station.’
’Yes! This is a train station, now are you going to get off my bed,
or do I have to throw you off?’
Realising where he was, he quickly got off the bed. Well, bed was a
strong word for the collection of rags that were in the corner of the old
underground platform, but given that the man was obviously in a bad mood
Terry felt it probably wasn’t the best time to bring this up.
’Thank you! Now go away, and never come back!’
As he got up Terry had a sudden flash back. He recalled being hit by a
six-foot-tall bruiser outside his house, and not much afterwards. Had they
taken him down here? And if so where were they now?
’Excuse me,’ asked Terry as politely as he could given his
aching head.
’Didn’t I just tell you to go away?’
’Yes. I was just wondering if you’d seen anyone carry me in
here. Or if you’d seen any strange men leaving here.’
’Do you want me to hit you? I’ve got a weapon around here
somewhere…’ The tramp started rooting around in his rags.
‘I’m not afraid to use it you know!’
Undeterred Terry carried on ‘Look, will you please just tell me if
you’ve seen anyone other than me in here?’
While still looking for his weapon the tramp continued. ‘Look I
ain’t seen no one. And no one has seen me, except you. And if you go
away everyone will be nice and happy, okay?’
Seeing that he wasn’t going to get much further with this guy,
Terry thought about where he was going to go. He needed to find somewhere to
think.
’How do you get out of here?’ Terry asked.
’Oh so you’ve finally decided to go then have you? Well, you
can go in either direction on the tracks, both should take you somewhere.
But if you go out that door…’ - he pointed to a battered piece
of hardboard about the size of a door frame leaning against a hole in one of
the platform’s brick walls - ‘… you should find yourself
outside soon enough. You ain’t seen me though. Right?’
’Erm, yeah, sure,’ Terry replied. He decided that going up
seemed a good idea, so went towards the “door”. Looking at the
wooden board it seemed a simple enough task to move it. Of course the fact
that Terry’s hands couldn’t actually grab the board hindered
things a bit. They just couldn't get a purchase on it. He tried again.
Nothing.
The memories all came flooding back: the incident with the bathroom door.
Did that have something to do with all this? He tried to walk through the
wooden board, but that didn’t work. He just ended up cracking his
head. He tried numerous ways of getting through the hole, none of which
worked, as he just could not grab hold of the piece of wood, and
couldn’t walk through it.
While this was all going on the tramp went in to a fit of hysterics. He
couldn’t believe the struggle Terry was having.
’You’ve never done those ‘Mr Muscle’ adverts have
you?’ said the tramp, and burst out laughing again.
Terry, who was now red-faced from his exertions, gave up on the wooden
board, and decided to walk towards the track, however when he got within a
few feet of the edge of the platform, he tripped over. He got up, walked a
few feet and tripped over again. He tried it again and again but nothing
seemed to work. It was as if something was deliberately stopping him.
’You’re not having much luck today, are you mate?”
laughed the tramp.
Terry had had enough. ‘Can’t you do anything except lie there
and laugh at me?’
‘Why shouldn’t I? It’s not my fault you’re a
pitiful little weakling.’
It was at this point that Terry’s lack of diplomatic skills came to
the fore, and he ran towards the tramp. However he didn’t get as far
as the tramp, as he disappeared through the floor, and started hurtling
through the ground.
The tramp smiled. ‘That’ll teach him.’ And he dozed
off.
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