h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This reminded me of something one of the waiters in a hotel I used to work in told me:

He had this table with a man who was trying very hard to impress the woman who was with him - he examined the menu very closely, asking all sorts of questions to show that he was a gourmet.

When it came to the wine list the comments flowed - comments that to the waiter didn't seem to contain much logic or substance - but who was he to remark on this? Nope, he just maintained his look of respectful attention...

...and then, when the wine had been chosen, and the male guest tasted it, the comment was 'This wine is corked - take this bottle away and bring a new one!'

The waiter took away the bottle, examined the cork - nothing wrong with it - tasted a little of the wine himself - nothing wrong with it - and here comes the part that made me laugh - he pushed a cork into the very same bottle, approached the table, uncorked the wine and poured a little into a glass - and lo and behold! This time the 'wine expert' didn't notice anything wrong with the wine!

What the guest didn't know of course was that all the restaurant staff had recently received their wine education diplomas... ho hum...

Very good

Or the alternative story that goes:

Diner looks at glass of wine and notices that there are lumps of cork in it the size of rowing boats. So diner politely calls over member of the waiting staff and points this fact out and asks if they could have another bottle that has not been corked.

The question seems to throw the member of staff who then toddles off with the offending bottle of wine. A few minutes later the head waiter saunters up to the table with the bottle of wine in his hand and explains to the puzzled diner that he cannot replace the bottle as the replacement will be no different.

The diner is left wondering if the staff here make a point of always corking the wine or if they are all mad.

This reminds me of something annoying that happened to us.

Our boss took four of us out for lunch to a fairly nice Italian restaurant. When they brought us the wine, it was definitely corked. The waitress raised her eyebrows at us and gave us a patronising look, but nevertheless brought another, which was fine.

The meal was pleasant enough, but when the bill came, my boss put a load of cash on the plate and then realised she was a little short. My colleague and I whipped out our cards and asked if she could split the shortfall (around £15) between the two of us. The waitress shook her head, pointed at my boss and said 'You have paid too much.' My colleague and I were wondering what she meant. Well, when she brought the bill back we found out - she'd split the (£270) bill evenly between four of us, brought a load of cash back to my (lots more loaded than me)boss, and told us we had to pay a quarter each. None of her goddam business, but there you are...