What wonders will the AI artist reveal to us today? Ah, yes: behold, a Magical European. (The best kind.) See him as he emerges from his Enchanted Trunk. Naturally, he is in London. With all the universe of spacetime to land in, he still prefers London. All the best people in London, don't you know. Also, gourmet food items such as baked beans on toast. Your Author once saw baked beans on toast on a menu, not far from Nelson's Column, and was suitably impressed¹. Notice his elegant Victorian clothing. Victorian clothing is the best. Frankly, anything Victorian.

Let us call this wonder of spacetime travel The Physician. It's a lovely title. Every fantasy hero needs one. This one has the advantage of not getting us sued for copyright infringement.

The Physician has landed in London. When? How? We care not. Notice, though, that it is a nice, picturesque London. Obviously, Rishi Sunak has never trodden these cobbles. Speaking of which, the cobbles are bestrewn with loose sheets of printed paper. Could this be a Clue™? Or is it merely an AI brainfart™? We shall see, shan't we? Who else do we have?

This is KITT-EE. The name probably stands for something, but I'm too lazy to figure it out. He's a walking, talking, cybernetic feline with an encyclopedic memory. Unfortunately, the encyclopedia in question is Wiki, so his memory gets updated frequently in real time, and is subject to spam attacks by mischievous fourteen-year-old boys. In addition to supplying The Physician with all the latest misinformation, KITT-EE invents things. Things like portable cookers that look like vintage lightbulbs – the better to bake his tomatoes. KITT-EE is a committed vegetarian, and wouldn't chase those birds in the first picture even if they looked like real birds instead of some clueless AI's misbegotten contribution to ornithology.

It is a good thing that KITT-EE isn't interested in birds, because here come more of the things, all imaginary, of course. Every good Physician needs a companion. Sorry: a Companion. Companions have been upgraded lately. In days of old, Companions were Audience Surrogates™   – less-knowing characters to whom The Physician could explain the plot, thus clueing the punters in. They also served to make The Physician look clever. Nowadays, the Companion is more likely to be a Mary Sue™   – more capable than the hero, smarter, and possibly even possessed of omniscience, omnipotence, and other divine characteristics.

Some say that this is a good thing in pop fiction, because it is Empowering. Others (mostly disgusted writers) believe it is because showrunners as a species are running out of ideas. Audience reactions vary.

This Companion is Parepta, the Bird Lady. Like all good postmodern Companions, she has amazing powers of her own. Unfortunately, neither she nor the Physician knows what they are. Every time they are about to find out, an enormous flock of birds shows up and diverts everyone's attention. Savvy audience members speculate that the final reveal of Parepta's true powers is being saved for the next anniversary show.

One more character needs an introduction: Brigadier Llewellyn Cardigan-Buttons. Here he is, looking keenly into the middle distance with the aid of a cutting-edge lantern. No, it's not a piece of steampunk technology that secretly reads infrared, or anything like that. It's an ordinary Victorian lantern, albeit with a mysterious power source nobody's rude enough to mention. That's how stalwart the Brigadier is: sticking to the tried-and-true, even in the face of an overwhelming onslaught of impossibly anachronistic technology. Makes you proud, really. That is why there will always be an England – at least, as long as everyone pays their tv licences.

We join the story in progress:

Dmitri Gheorgheni

17.06.24 Front Page

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