h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: 'Clerks' - the Film - A87965824
Author: Bluebottle - U43530

Keeping options open for now, but should the film series be divided into eight, this is the 'Clerks' entry.

<BB<

Clerks

88-minute long feature --> 88-minute feature

it was followed by sequels that featured some of the same characters, all of which features Smith's rude, but witty, wordplay

-- the phrase "all of which feature" refers to the characters, when it should refer to the sequels. Also, you should try and eliminate the repetition of "feature". Try:

it was followed by sequels that had some of the same characters, and all of which featured Smith's rude but witty wordplay.

video rental shop, Leonardo, New Jersey --> video rental shop, in Leonardo, New Jersey

he – accompanied by Randall - also attend the funeral
-- this should either be:

he – accompanied by Randall - also attends the funeral

or

he and Randall also attend the funeral

Administer of Fine -- administer is a verb, not a title. If this is the title in the credits, leave it, but it should be Administerer

Self-Service: The Making Of Clerks -- should be lowercase o on "of".

Although almost every customer, from ages four upward, in the store wants -->
Although almost every customer in the store, from age four upwards, wants

Yet when it came to production Smith decided that he needed to concentrate on being the director
-- Yet isn't the right word here. Yet it is used to introduce something that contradicts the previous statement in an unexpected way. Use "however":

When it came to production, however, Smith decided that he needed to concentrate on being the director

" One scene set at Julie Dwyer's wake was outside the initial budget; the tenth anniversary edition of the film recreated this scene in animation." -- do you mean that the scene was written but not included in the film? You could say "One scene in the script, set at Julie Dwyer's wake, proved too costly and was omitted".

The film's original ending involved Dante being shot and killed during a robbery, which was deleted to finish with a more upbeat note.

-- the phrase "which was deleted" refers to the robbery when it should refer to the original ending. It also suggests that the scene was not included in the film, but later you say the scene was still there. I think this is what you mean:

The film's original ending involved Dante being shot and killed during a robbery; this scene was later deleted to finish on a more upbeat note.

Jay was written based on Jason Mewes -->
The character of Jay was based on Jason Mewes

This whole sentence needs rewriting because of (a) incorrect use of however and (b) it's too long:

The character of Jay was based on Jason Mewes when he was 16. Mewes was very self-conscious; though he would dance spontaneously, he was unprepared to dance on demand.

having everyone except Kevin Smith leaving the area -->
having everyone except Kevin Smith leave the area

which allowed it to be selected to be included at the 1994 Sundance Film Festival -->
which allowed it to be included at the 1994 Sundance Film Festival

You have Randal with one l in two places but Randall everywhere else.

they never really interact --> they never really interact with each other

the Weinstein's --> the Weinsteins

G

Thanks Gnomon – I've made all those changes, with the exception of 'Administer of Fine', which is the film credit title.

<BB<

Two of the women in the film, the 'milk maid' and 'caged animal masturbator' were played by Kevin Smith's sister and mother respectively.

-- this seems to be wrong way round. "Respectively" means that the first role is played by the first person and the second role is played by the second person. So the milk maid was played by Smith's sister. But you say elsewhere that it was the mother who played the milk maid.

It's a fair cop , you have me bang to rights, you do.
Corrected now.

<BB<

One thing I noticed was that you say what Silent Bob says before you say who Silent Bob is.

That would rather undermine the point of establishing that he is Silent (more or less).
Fair enough, I've moved that to the end.

<BB<

This is looking good Just a few more things:

"Despite being 20-year-old Dante's day off, he is called in to manage the Quick Stop Convenience Store to cover for an ill colleague." - Despite it being 20-year-old Dante's day off, he is called in to cover for the ill manager of the Quick Stop?

"Dante deals with trying to play a game of street hockey" - Dante tries to play a game of street hockey?

"All the while he is trying to decide whether to leave Veronica, his current girlfriend of seven months, who has had more prior sexual experience than he feels comfortable with, for Caitlin Bree his high school sweetheart who has just become engaged to someone else." - this could do with commas around 'his high school sweetheart', unless you can break the sentence into more sentences somehow.

"16mm black and white dark comedy" - 16mm?

Footnote 2 " She left him when they went to college and started dating an 'Asian Design Major" - She left him when they went to college - she started dating an 'Asian Design Major'?

" the pair more pests than the fully realised comic relief they would grow into." - this would be better as a new sentence

You twice mention the roles his mother and sister play - can they be merged together?

"Although Smith had the initial idea in the back of his mind for Dogma, he would take another two films before feeling experienced enough to bring his idea to screen." - Although Smith had had the initial idea in the back of his mind for Dogma while he was making Clerks, he would take another two films before feeling experienced enough to bring that idea to the screen?

Good note to end the Entry on - links in to the next one in the series

Changes have been made:
You twice mention his mother and sister - can they be merged together? – You want Smith's mother and sister to be the same person? That sounds like something out of Oedipus or 'Antigone'

<BB<

Nicely merged

Congratulations! Your Guide Entry is now heading off into the Editorial Process, which ends with publication in the Edited Guide. We've moved this Review Conversation to the entry itself.

Thanks for contributing to the Edited Guide!