24 Lies a Second: Like Burgers for Oxen
Created | Updated Dec 8, 2019
Like Burgers for Oxen
As previously noted, nothing which was once popular – no matter how briefly or how long ago – can ever be allowed to die a dignified death and slide quietly into oblivion any more. No, it must dragged back from the brink, propped up in front of a new audience, given a vague attempt at a new coat of paint, and forced to rake in a few more shekels. This seems to be an iron law of modern culture. I can think of no other explanation for the re-emergence of yet another new version of Charlie's Angels.
The last couple of years have, after all, apparently brought about a complete rethink about the role and representation of women in popular media. They are no longer mere ornamental objects present only for the gratification of male viewers. Well, fair enough. But even at the time, the original Charlie's Angels TV show was derided by critics as 'jiggle TV', for reasons I hope I don't have to go into. 'When the show was number three [in the ratings], I figured it was our acting. When it got to number one, I figured it could only be because none of us wears a bra,' observed original star Farrah Fawcett. It was a show built around the exploitation of attractive young women.
And yet Elizabeth Banks' new movie bloody-mindedly attempts to retool it as – according to a proper critic, in The Guardian – 'weaponised feminism'. (My head hurts.) However, the new Charlie's Angels movie is definitely aimed at independently-minded young women, which is surely the equivalent of trying to sell hamburgers to cattle. You can only be doing it for one of two reasons: you've radically reinvented the product, or you think your audience is very, very stupid.
In the end it's probably the first one, I think – by which I means that if the film does treat the viewer as thick, it's not intentional, just something that many Hollywood movies do without really thinking about it. The paradox inherent in the movie does become apparent from the first scene, which features Kristen Stewart talking a lot about her self-determination and formidable polymathic talents and so on, all the while wearing a sparkly pink mini-dress and a long blonde wig.
Soon enough the movie moves on to something a bit less intellectually demanding and some martial arts action breaks out. 'I'm your new girlfriend!' cries Stewart, headbutting a bad guy into insensibility. It certainly gives a whole new charm to the notion of remaining self-partnered. More importantly, Patrick Stewart wanders in, playing Bosley – the implication seems to be that he is playing the David Doyle character from the original show (Stewart is somewhat artlessly inserted into photos alongside the original TV cast and that of the early 2000s movies).
Normally Stewart wraps himself in gravitas and integrity like a cloak, but on this occasion he just twinkles a lot, which is a little wrong-footing. I think it is safe to say that his performance in this film is not quite of the same stature as all that work with the RSC or playing Sejanus, Jean-Luc Picard or Professor X, but on the other hand CGI has been used to carefully remove the dollar-signs appearing in both eyes throughout all his scenes.
On with the plot. Patrick Stewart's Bosley retires, and is replaced by Banks herself as another Bosley – yes, the world is now so feminist that even the men are women. More importantly, perhaps, over in Berlin nice young computer expert Naomi Scott discovers the revolutionary clean energy technology she is working on has dangerous potential as a deadly weapon, which bad actors are taking an interest in (I mean criminal agents, not the cast, but now you mention it...). It's up to Banks-Bosley, Stewart, and Ella Balinska (playing another new Angel) to save the day.
This involves whizzing around Berlin, Istanbul, and various other locations, in a style which is some way sub-Mission: Impossible and even further sub-Bond. To be fair to the movie, Elizabeth Banks puts together a functional set of action sequences – chases, fights, sneakings-in-and-out-of-secure-places, and so on – but when the gunfire and revving engines fade away, all one is left with is the sound of comic banter falling flat and people expositing blandly at each other, interspersed with the occasional somewhat obtrusive you-go-girl moment.
It brings me no pleasure to report this, as Elizabeth Banks strikes me as a talented person who makes interesting creative choices: apart from this film, just this year she has appeared in Brightburn and the second Lego Movie, both of which were well worth watching. However, as Banks not only directed the film, but also wrote the final screenplay and co-produced it, it is her name which is most prominent on the charge sheet. As an actress, at least, she appears to be trying hard, and emerges from the film with as much credit as anyone else involved in this department.
However, the name of the game is Charlie's Angels, and it really stands or falls by the quality of the central trio. Quite what philosophy was adopted by the casting team for this film seems a bit of a mystery, as there is – to put it delicately – a bit of a disparity when it comes to the profile of the stars. One way or another, Kristen Stewart has a global profile and has done many big movies; Naomi Scott was very prominent in Aladdin earlier this year; while Ella Balinska is effectively a complete unknown. The effect of this is, again, a bit wrong-footing. However, I have to say that the film does prove again that, no matter how bad some of the later Twilight films were (and some of them were very bad indeed), Stewart does have genuine screen presence and star quality: you do find your eye drawn to her when she's on. I'm not sure the same is true of Naomi Scott, at least not to the same extent, but I discern considerable potential for a future career playing kooky best friends here. Ella Balinska, on the other hand, can't deliver a joke or a piece of exposition to save her life, but she is about eight feet tall, which was probably useful for the fight choreography.
Whatever you think of the wisdom of the film's attempt to reinvent Charlie's Angels for the post-Unique Moment world, or its gender politics in general, the biggest problems it has are that as a comedy it isn't funny and as an action movie it never particularly thrills. I would be more tolerant and responsive to whatever subtext it is trying to put across if the actual text of the thing was competently done and entertaining. It is not, and perhaps the most indicative thing about it is that there is no sense of great potential being squandered: it just feels like mechanical Hollywood product, with even its big message closely calculated to appeal to the target audience. I remain convinced, though, that even a brilliantly-executed feminist take on Charlie's Angels would be a deeply, deeply weird film.
Also This Week...
...the festive1 season gets properly underway with Paul Feig's Last Christmas. As it is still only early December and thus much too early to be writing about a Christmas film in the column, not to mention the fact that I cannot do full justice to this truly startling film except in the main slot, come back next week for a full examination of it. Yes, folks, next time around it will be festive, festive, festive2, all the way!
