These days, everybody's head is full of ephemeral trivia: – who occupies what political office, who the latest media stars are, what's on television, the latest fashion, etc. All of this seems terribly important at the moment, but stop and think: twenty years from now, how much of it will you remember? Stick a pin in your past, I dare you, and tell me (without Googling) what the hit record was that summer, or what everybody was wearing, or which item nobody could live without….

The past was no different. I've stumbled upon a book by 'Q' (in reality, Arthur Thomas Quiller-Couch, who, as SashaQ would say, 'should have been an h2g2 Researcher') called The Astonishing History of Troy Town, originally published in 1888 and available online courtesy of Gutenberg.org.

This very funny book has so much trivia in it that we don't recognise today that it's almost in a foreign language. I'm going to do the best I can to gloss the hard words and expressions. If I have to give up, I will appeal to you, the Reader, to help out. Let's see if 1888 is as incomprehensible as 2018.

IN WHICH THE READER IS MADE ACQUAINTED WITH A STATE OF INNOCENCE; AND THE MEANING OF THE WORD "CUMEELFO¹".

"Any news to-night?" asked Admiral Buzza, leading a trump².

"Hush, my love," interposed his wife timidly, with a glance at the Vicar. She liked to sit at her husband's left, and laid her small cards before him as so many tributes to his greatness³.

"I will not hush, Emily. I repeat, is there any news to-night?"

Miss Limpenny, his hostess and vis-à-vis⁴, finding the Admiral's eye fierce upon her⁵, coughed modestly and announced that twins had just arrived to the postmistress. Her manner, as she said this, implied that, for aught she knew, they had come with the letters.

The Vicar took the trick⁶ and gathered it up in silence. He was a portly, antique gentleman⁷, with a fine taste for scandal in its proper place, but disliked conversation during a rubber⁸.

"Twins, eh?" growled the Admiral. "Just what I expected. She always was a wasteful woman."

"My love!" expostulated his wife. Miss Limpenny blushed.

"They'll come to the workhouse," he went on, "and serve him right for making such a marriage."

"I have heard that his heart is in the right place," pleaded Miss Limpenny, "but he used –"

"Eh, ma'am?"

"It's of no consequence," said Miss Limpenny, with becoming bashfulness. "It's only that he always used, in sorting his cards, to sit upon his trumps – that always seemed to me –⁹"

"Just so," replied the Admiral, "and now it's twins. Bless the man! what next?"

It was in the golden age, before Troy became demoralised, as you shall hear. At present you are to picture the drawing-room of the Misses Limpenny arranged for an "evening": the green rep curtains¹⁰ drawn, the "Book of Beauty" disposed upon the centre table¹¹, the ballad music on the piano, and the Admiral's double-bass¹² in the corner. Six wax candles were beaming graciously on cards, tea-cakes and ratafias¹³; on the pictures of "The First Drive," and "The Orphan's Dream,"¹⁴the photographic views of Troy from the harbour, the opposite hill, and one or two other points, and finally the noted oil-painting of Miss Limpenny's papa as he appeared shortly after preaching an assize sermon¹⁵. Above all, the tea-service was there – the famous set in real silver presented to the late Reverend Limpenny by his flock, and Miss Priscilla – she at the card-table – wore her best brooch with a lock of his hair arranged therein as a fleur-de-lys.

I wish I could convey to you some of the innocent mirth of those "evenings" in Troy – those noctes Limpennianae¹⁶when the ladies brought their cap-boxes (though the Buzzas and Limpennys were but semi-detached neighbours)¹⁷, and the Admiral and his wife insisted on playing against each other, so that the threepenny points never affected their weekly accounts¹⁸. Those were happy days when the young men were not above singing the "Death of Nelson," or joining in a glee¹⁹, and arming the young ladies home afterwards²⁰. In those days "Hocken's Slip" had not yet become the "Victoria Quay," and we talked of the "Rope Walk" where we now say "Marine Parade." Alas! our tastes have altered with Troy²¹.

Yet we were vastly genteel. We even had our shibboleth²², a verdict to be passed before anything could hope for toleration in Troy. The word to be pronounced was "CUMEELFO," and all that was not Cumeelfo was Anathema.

So often did I hear this word from Miss Limpenny's lips that I grew in time to clothe it with an awful meaning²³. It meant to me, as nearly as I can explain, "All Things Sanctioned by the Principles of the Great Exhibition of 1851²⁴," and included as time went on –

• Crochet Antimacassars²⁵.
• Art in the style of the "Greek Slave²⁶."
• "Elegant Extracts²⁷," and the British Poets as edited by Gilfillan²⁸.
• Corkscrew Curls²⁹ and Prunella Boots³⁰.
• Album Verses³¹.
• Quadrille-dancing³², and the Deux-temps³³.
• Popular Science³⁴.
• Proposals on the bended Knee³⁵.
• Conjuring³⁶ and Variety Entertainments.
• The Sentimental Ballad.
• The Proprieties³⁷, etc., etc., etc.

The very spirit of this word breathed over the Limpenny drawing-room to-night, and Miss Priscilla's lips seemed to murmur it as she gazed across to where her sister Lavinia was engaged in a round game³⁸ with the young people. These were Admiral Buzza's three daughters, Sophy, Jane, and Calypso – the last named after her father's old ship³⁹ – and young Mr. Moggridge, the amusing collector of customs. They were playing with ratafias for counters (ratafias were cumeelfo), and peals of guileless laughter from time to time broke in upon the grave silence of the whist⁴⁰-table.

For always, on such occasions, in the glow of Miss Limpenny's wax candles, Youth and Age held opposite camps, with the centre table as debatable ground; nor, until the rubber was finished, and the round game had ended in a seemly scramble for ratafias, would the two recognise each other's presence, save now and then by a "Hush, if you please, young people," from the elder sister, followed by a whispered, "What spirits your dear girls enjoy!" for Mrs. Buzza's ear.

But at length the signal would be given by Miss Priscilla.

"Come, a little music perhaps might leave a pleasant taste. What do you say, Vicar?"

Upon which the Vicar would regularly murmur –

"Say, rather, would gild refined gold, Miss Limpenny."

And the Admiral as invariably broke in with –

"Come, Sophy! remember the proverb about little birds that can sing and won't sing."

This prelude having been duly recited, the Misses Buzza would together trip to the piano, on which the two younger girls in duet were used to accompany Sophia's artless ballads. The performance gained a character of its own from a habit to which Calypso clung, of counting the time in an audible aside: as thus –

Sophia (singing): "Oh, breathe but a whispered command."

Calypso: "One, two, three, four."

Sophia: "I'll lay down my life for thee!"

Calypso: "One, two, three, four."

– the effect of which upon strangers has been known to be paralysing, though we who were cumeelfo pretended not to notice it. But Sophy could also accompany her own songs, such as, "Will you love me then as now?" and "I'd rather be a daisy," with much feeling. She was clever, too, with the water-colour brush, and to her we owe that picture of "H.M.S. Calypso in a Storm," which hangs to this day over the Admiral's mantelpiece.

I could dwell on this evening for ever; not that the company was so large as usual, but because it was the last night of our simplicity. With the next morning we passed out of our golden age, and in the foolishness of our hearts welcomed the change.

It was announced to us in this manner –

The duets had been beaten out of Miss Limpenny's piano – an early Collard, with a top like a cupboard, fluted in pink silk and wearing a rosette in front; the performers, on retiring, had curtseyed in acknowledgment of the Vicar's customary remark about the "Three Graces"; the Admiral had wrung from his double-bass the sounds we had learnt to identify with elfin merriment (though suggestive, rather, of seasick mutineers under hatches), and our literary collector, Mr. Moggridge, was standing up to recite a trifle of his own – "flung off" – as he explained, "not pruned or polished⁴¹."

The hush in the drawing-room was almost painful – for in those days we all admired Mr. Moggridge – as the poet tossed back a stray lock from his forehead, flung an arm suddenly out at right angles to his person, and began sepulchrally –

"Maiden" –

(Here he looked very hard at Miss Lavinia Limpenny.)

"Maiden, what dost thou in the chill churchyard

Beside yon grassy mound?

The night hath fallen, the rain is raining hard

Damp is the ground."

Mrs. Buzza shivered, and began to weep quietly⁴².

"Maiden, why claspest thou that cold, cold stone

Against thy straining breast?

Tell me, what dost thou at this hour alone?

(Persuasively) The lambs have gone to rest.

The maiden lifted up her tearful gaze,

And thus she made reply:

'My mother, sir, is –

But the secret of her conduct remains with Mr. Moggridge, for at this moment the door opened, and the excited head of Sam Buzza, the Admiral's only son, was thrust into the room.

Maiden, what dost thou in the chill churchyard –

"Maiden, what dost thou in the chill churchyard – "

"I say, have you heard the news? 'The Bower⁴³' is let."

"What!"

All eyes were fixed on the newcomer. The Vicar woke up. Even the poet, with his arm still at right angles and the verse arrested on his lips, turned to stare incredulously.

"It's a fact; I heard it down at the Man-o'-War Club meeting, you know," he explained. "Goodwyn-Sandys is his name, the Honourable Goodwyn-Sandys, brother to Lord Sinkport – and what's more, he is coming by the mid-day train to-morrow."

The poet's arm dropped like a railway signal. There was a long pause, and then the voices broke out all together –

"Only fancy!"

"There now!"

"'The Bower' let at last!"

"An Honourable⁴⁴, too!"

"What is he like?"

"Are you sure?"

"Well, I never did!"

"Miss Limpenny," gasped the Admiral, at length, "where is your Burke⁴⁵?"

It lay between the "Cathedrals of England" and "Gems of Modern Art"; under the stereoscope. Miss Lavinia produced it.

"Let me see," said the Admiral, turning the pages. "Sinkport – Sinkport – here we are – George St. Leonards Goodwyn-Sandys, fourth baron – H'm, h'm, here it is – only brother, Frederic Augustus Hythe Goodwyn-Sandys, b. 1842 – married – "

"Married!"

"1876 – Geraldine, eighth daughter of Sheil O'Halloran of Kilmacuddy Court, County Kerry – blank space for issue – arms: gules, a bar sinist⁴⁶ – Ahem! Well, upon my word!"

"I'm sure," sighed Mrs. Buzza, after the excitement had cooled a little – "I'm sure I only hope they will settle down to our humble ways."

"Emily," snapped her husband, "you speak like a fool. Pooh! Let me tell you, ma'am, that our ways in Troy are not humble!"

Outside, in Miss Limpenny's back garden, the laurestinus bushes sighed as they caught those ominous words. So might Eden have sighed, aware of its serpent.

Dmitri Gheorgheni

20.08.18 Front Page

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