This episode of Law & Order: SVU….er, Henry V comes from Tales from Shakespeare by Harrison S Morris, 1894. See? Even back then, they needed help to sort out Shakespeare. Our response to this love scene was, 'Er….awkward.' We're sure the modern (and less war-like) Harry says much nicer things to Meghan. If he didn't, the tabloids would be all over it.

The Duke of Burgundy had laboured diligently to bring about this royal interview¹, and now he prayed their majesties, in the presence of all the proud nobles of either realm, that peace, the dear nurse of arts and joyful births, might again be allowed to reign in France, the best garden of the world, whither for so long a time she had been chased². To this King Henry replied that if the French wanted peace they must buy it with full accord to all his just demands³, whose conditions he had duly made known. But though the French king had heard these conditions⁴, he had as yet made no answer, for, as he said, he had but glanced over them with a cursory eye; and he now asked King Henry if he would consent to appoint some of his council to sit with him once again and thus to re-survey the articles⁵, when he would presently pass his final answer. To this King Henry assented; but he asked that his cousin Katharine, the French king's daughter, might remain with him while the rest withdrew, for she was the subject of his chief demand contained in the articles they were to examine⁶.

When ail were gone out save [except for] King Harry and this fair French princess, the outspoken king began without preface to woo her⁷, and asked if she would vouchsafe [promise] to teach a soldier terms such as would enter at a lady's ear and plead his love-suit to her gentle heart? She could little comprehend such an unceremonious speech even if she had better known the language in which it was spoken⁸; but King Harry, impetuous in his love-making as in all else, told her that if she would love him soundly with her French heart he would be glad to hear her confess it brokenly with her English tongue.

'Do you like me, Kate⁹?' he asked.

She could not understand what 'like me' meant; but he said an angel was like her, in
his punning English¹⁰; and when she replied that tongues of men were full of deceits, he said he
was glad she could speak no better English, because, if she could, she would find him so plain a
king that she would think he had sold his farm to buy his crown¹¹.

'I know no ways to mince it in love, 'quoth he, 'but directly to say, I love you; then if you urge me further than to say, 'Do you in faith?' I wear out my suit¹².'' And his impatient English spirit brooking no delay, he bid her give him her answer, and so clap hands and a bargain.

'How say you, lady?' cried he; but all she said was, 'Me understand well.'

'Marry,' he ran on, 'if you would put me to verses or to dance for your sake¹³, why, you undo me. If I could win a lady at leap-frog¹⁴ or by vaulting into my saddle with my armour on my back, I should quickly leap into a wife; but before God, Kate, I cannot look greenly, nor gasp out my eloquence; nor have I any cunning in protestation; only downright oaths which I never use till urged, nor never break for urging.' And he protested if she could love a fellow of this temper, whose face was not worth sunburning¹⁵, she was welcome to him; for he spoke to her plain soldier; if she could love him so, she might take him; if not, to say that he should die were true enough, but for her sake never; yet he did vow he loved her, too.

Thus he pleaded till he had well-nigh won her; but coyly weighing his love with her duty, she said it was not possible she should love the enemy of France; and he granted as much, but argued that by loving him she should love the friend of France, for he loved France so well that he would not part with a village of it, he would have it all his. 'And Kate,' he said, ''when France is mine and I am yours, then yours is France and you are mine¹⁶.'

'I cannot tell vat is dat,' said she, in her broken accents; so he told her in equally broken French¹⁷ . Then again and again he asked her in good round Saxon¹⁸ if she loved him; till at last she gave a shy consent, and he. kissed her hand and called her his queen. She tried to withdraw her hand, saying the king must not bend down to kiss the hand of his servant, whereupon he vowed he would kiss her lips; but she told him it was not the fashion in France for maids to kiss before marriage; which precaution he cast to the winds, for, quoth he, nice customs curtsy to great kings, and straightway he kissed her on the mouth¹⁹.

Said he, 'You have witchcraft in your lips, Kate, for there is more eloquence in a sugar touch of them than in the tongues of the French council; and they should sooner persuade Harry of England than a general petition of monarchs.'

At this moment the French king and queen and the lords with whom they had been closeted²⁰ over King Henry's demands returned to the chamber. The Duke of Burgundy, seeing how the case stood between the English king and the French princess, asked if he was teaching her English²¹; but the king made no concealment of his suit²² and frankly told the duke that he would have her learn to love him, and that was good English; then turning to the French king he asked, abruptly, 'Shall Kate be my wife?'

'So please you,' was the reply, and King Henry said he was content if the maid that stood in the way of his wish should show him the way to his will. But the French king, having felt the warlike power of the English, had found it wise to give consent to all the conditions imposed by King Henry, and there was nothing now to bar him from his will nor to impede him in his love-making. He asked of his lords of England if the French king had yielded all, and they said, all, saving that he had not yet subscribed to the condition that upon having occasion to write for a matter of grant²³, he should name King Henry, in French, his very dear son Henry, King of England, and heir of France, and after it, the same in Latin²⁴. This also, the French king finally yielded, and in all love and dear alliance he gave his daughter to King Henry, bidding him take her, and from her royal blood to rear up issue to him, that the contending kingdoms of France and England, whose very shores looked pale with envy of each other's
happiness, might cease their hatred forever²⁵. 'Amen!' cried all the nobles in the royal trains of England and France²⁶, and King Henry kissed the princess in token that she was to be his sovereign queen; whereupon he ordered his servants to prepare for their marriage. 'On which day,' said he to the assembled lords,' will I swear to Kate, and you shall swear to me²⁷; and may our oaths be well-kept and prosperous!'

Editor's Note: We know it sounds bad, but the movie is much better.

Dmitri Gheorgheni

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