'People on Facebook are routinely exposed to updates from friends and family showing how well their life is going'


'I wanted to start sharing my bad days'

A week or so ago I was all set to start writing about our recent move and how much of a hassle that continues to be. But then something far more stressful and alarming loomed large. The more I have retold this story the less sure I have been of the details, so those will be sketchy. But I have no difficulty at all relating how I felt at the time.

I woke to total darkness. My wife was next to me struggling to breath. As she's asthmatic this is quite usual so I didn't panic, merely tried to shift her position. I was getting a little anxious as nothing improved and then bubbles came out of her mouth and I really started to panic. I hauled her into an upright position and just held her for some time, whispering, 'Please don't die, please don't die'. I genuinely thought I was losing her and while I understood that I needed to call an ambulance, I was afraid that if I shifted focus for just a second that would be it.

I am only writing this now because everything was ok in the end. I dialled 999 and as the operator was calmly telling me how to put my wife in the recovery position she woke up. Then paramedics, ambulance, tests and, eventually, we were told we could go home. I was enormously relieved but I had also had a nasty shock. For a few moments I honestly believed my wife was going to die and I have never been so scared in my life.

So I wonder if you can guess how many people I have talked to about this? That's right: it's nobody. My wife, by way of a control, told a couple of people she works with. The news spread and she has been inundated with customers coming in to check that she is ok. So why am I staying silent?

Of course, if you want to you can always contrive a reason for anything. It's not my story to tell. Nobody will be interested. It probably happens to everyone and I just overreacted.

r maybe I don't want to face it. What I felt very strongly in the aftermath was that I had been given a glimpse into the future. One day my wife will die, and maybe she will die before me. If she does, I have a nasty feeling that I have had a taste of how I will feel. Out of control and out of time.

As this starts to overtake me – if I let it – I start to get overwhelmed with the worry. She is a few years older than me, after all. And she is physically fragile with it. Asthmatic, immuno-deficient, with a history of chest infections and various complex ailments. The next one could be the last one. I should spend more time with her. Maybe I should quit my job to just be with her while I can. But of course a lot of this is overreaction. Maybe I should just not think – or talk –about it. If I ignore it, maybe it will all just go away.

The irony is that what I felt most in that moment was alone. I have the same fear if I outlived my wife. I would be on my own again. But I can't change that unless I am willing to make connections. The only antidote to isolation is communication and that has to start somewhere. Where better than to admit we are afraid of being alone?

Benjaminpmoore

27.11.17 Front Page

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