h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I am sooooo impressed by this article. Having personally seen this from both the mistress and wife point of view, it made perfect sense. What excellent advice. Well done!

I have no intention of being a mistress, but I can definitely use the advice. I'm at a stage in life where I fear commitment and attachment due to extremely hurtful experiences, and maybe a casual relationship would be the best solution.

I just wonder how you go about not getting emotionally involved...

I guess it's just something you get used to. I found that after being hurt several times, I put up a mental wall - without meaning to - and started actually having more fun. If you're not that interested, they tend to work harder, in my experience.

I had a 'relationship' with a lovely bloke that lasted about 9 months (although we were both single). The best way to avoid getting emotionally attached is to be happy being friends, and don't stay the night! That's what helped me to stay friends only, and he told me later that he'd avoided kissing as much as possible to stop him from getting attached. Both things are very intimate (and yes, I am saying that they are more intimate then sex), and can form a bond that you don't want.

Yeah, I guess that kissing does it. But also the bloke repeatedly saying he loves you when he doesn't mean it can do the trick. Next one who says he loves me two week into the relationship is DEAD MEAT!

Sorry about the rant

"But also the bloke repeatedly saying he loves you when he doesn't mean it can do the trick."

Hey, easy! He probably thinks at the time that he means it! You just have to learn not to think of that phrase as some kind of promise or something. It's just a statement of temporary insanity, nothing more. Most blokes get over it pretty quickly.

But what if he does mean it?

what if we just said "temporarily feeling attached" instead of "love"? wouldn't come off as smooth, but might get a laugh.

Excellent article. I haven't experienced this from either side, but it's very helpful for when/if it ever happens.

Well done!

Glad y'all like it!

I don't have any easy answers to guys using the L-Word. Someone once said 'I hope no-one ever tells you they love you and doesn't mean it' - but now I tend to assume that they mean it at that moment in time, but not in a souls-across-the-universe sort of way.

How do you not fall in love? Concentrate on just how very very annoying their irritating habits are. The moment an irritating habit becomes a cute habit you are on the edge of the precipice...

B

Parts of the article kind of struck me as somewhat degrading to women. Sometimes it seemed as if the mistress had to do all the work in the "relationship" (rub his feet, listen attentively). Umm, but I'm not sure. Did anyone else get that feeling?

"But what if he does mean it?"

Then it'll be clear, regardless of what he says. There's also "meaning it at the time and really feeling like it'll last forever, really, really", but I can't even tell you whether it'll rain next week, much less whether I'll still feel a certain way about a certain person.

One should hope for stronger evidence of love than the uttering of an easy to pronounce incantation. Words can hypnotize, but actions are real.

"But I always say 'I love you' when I mean 'turn out the light'
And I say 'let's run away,' when I just mean 'stay the night'
But the words you want to hear, you will never hear from me
I'll never say... 'Happy Anniversary'
Never stay to say, 'Happy Anniversary'"
-Magnetic Fields

Commitment isn't promising to always feel a certain way; that's mad. Commitment is promising to act a certain way, even when you don't very much feel like it.


GTB

Almost there with the definition of commitment GTB - it is actually acting in a certain way, even when you no longer feel like it. I have mixed feelings about commitment, as you can probably deduce from the entry. I am glad I was in a commited relationship. I am glad it is now over.

Degrading to women? That depends. If I choose to behave in a certain way, and it is a sub-set of the behaviour patterns available to me, then is that degrading when I behave that way?

I would agree that if 'she' sat and listened because 'he' told her to shut up, that would be degrading. (It would also be abusive, but that is another issue). But if I choose to listen because I cannot be bothered to talk, and if I rub feet because I really like doing it, (and I really do), then I am getting pleasure out of the interaction.

Look at it another way - the woman is exploiting the man by trading physical and psychological favours (foot-rubs and attention) for - whatever she is getting out of the deal. I enjoy male company, laughter, attention, company, giving footrubs and having sex. Sounds like a bargain to me.

Oh - and one thing I have discovered, if you shut up and let the other person free associate, you will learn some very unexpected things about them; things you would never learn if you sat there and talked up a storm all the time yourself.

B

Dunno about the degrading part, but I thought it made complete sense. Not only did it make it clear that 'being a mistress per se is not the greatest way to live, but if you really want to, then remember these things...' Totally awesome!!!

Who are we to judge? I mean, I personally do not plan to be a mistress, but I think we ar all too attached to ancient notions of sexual fidelity. Personally, I think emotional betrayal is far worse. My ex made sure he didn't sleep with or kiss the girl he had chosen to replace me with until we had split up officially. In his mind, though, he had already betrayed me by saying he loved me until the last minute, when he was shopping around for a new partner.

That's emotional infidelity. He wanted somebody else.

These days my other ex, the one who said he loved me then took it back, is putting the moves on me. I haven't decided on a course of action yet, although geing back with him is out of the question. Why? Because I can't be a mistress.

I guess that's why I wasn't sure. If it's always by choice. Hmm. Something good to think about anyway. Thanks,

dave

I loved this article. Well said and well written. Even the forum is great! I just happen to be in this same situation. 6 months now and needed to hear this from another perspective. Thats all.

Many thanks, precious. I'm very glad you liked this piece.

Good luck.

Ben