Mad Is Just a Three-Letter Word

0 Conversations

We seem to be back to normal this week. The Prof's title is self-explanatory.

Mad is just a three-letter word

Author Isaac Asimov and a couple of androids

It was on a stormy evening during the day of Friday the 13th of Octember in the year of our loaf 19 something or other, that the 33-and-a-third Mad Scientists' Convention was being held in the town’s local sanatorium.

The main discussion to be held on the agenda was the latest ideas and inventions for ending the world.

The first speaker to address the conference was very much confused, as to why he had to dress the conference; they’d already got clothes on. Later, he would ask the organiser about that.

Having established who he was (mad scientists and amnesia tend to go together) he let out the standardised cackle, gibber and senseless gobbledegook that mad scientists are renowned for, now whether this is actual fact or just fiction is debatable and that is 7th on the agenda for discussion.

So! With the formalities out of the way, he began his latest strategy for world destruction. His ultimate plan was to construct a tube made of carbon fibre and fix one end to a helium filled airship and have the other end attached to a scaffold type structure embedded on the moon’s surface. This he said was to be carried out at night while everyone was sleeping (all baddies work at night). Once connected, a bung would be taken out on the moon's end of the tube and then the vacuum of space would suck and draw all the oxygen from the earth out in to space, therefore causing the total destruction on mankind and all living creatures.

One fellow sat in the audience shouted out in a high pitched voice (some scientists think this is also a standard vocal requirement) this was ignored, as the bloke had been asleep and must have been dreaming about cricket. Another asked which company was going to make the tube and how was it going to remain a secret from government spies and special agents?

The scientist replied that no company was going to be used, but all the old folk in residential homes were going to knit sections of the tube, thinking they were knitting scarves for servicemen and women on active duties abroad and therefore also keeping the costs down, as trying to raise funds of a few £trillion for the project would look a tad suspicious.

One err! Bright spark asked how he would GET the tube to the moon, as any unregistered rocket launch would set alarm bells ringing. This was answered with pure mad scientist logic! By sneaking into N.A.S.A.’s launch site and attaching some string and a firework rocket to the next space shuttle mission, this would then fire towards the moon after reaching orbit and wouldn’t be noticed by the onboard crew as it would be behind them1.

Then the tube could be winched up after. Again! Keeping the cost down

This plan was warmly acknowledged and would come up for voting on after other plans and ideas had been put forward.

The convention carried on after this scientist left the stage and closed after other mad scientists had given their plans for world destruction. The reason no other plans has been mentioned here, is that they weren’t silly enough. Showing that good mad scientists are hard to come by in modern times2.

Note 1:

  • Mad Scientist and selected personnel would be below ground in the statutory self contained underground bunker, awaiting total destruction of mankind and then to emerge to re-populate the planet and then bring the mandatory world order duly noted in many films/books and magazines.

Note 1.5:

  • How do they live after emerging, if ALL the oxygen etc has been removed from the planet? Now! If there wasn’t any mystery to the plan, it wouldn’t be interesting to read or comment on after would it.

And I’d not be up to my usual standard of idiocy would I.

Note 2:

  • Any resemblance to anyone living, dead or not born yet is just tough, as if I could be bothered anyway and if any legal action WAS to be taken – this was wrote by a ghost writer ok! And I’ve NEVER seen a spook in court smiley - nahnah

PS: straight jackets/restraints on sale in the foyer – top brand names.

Poetry and Fiction by Prof Animal Chaos

Prof Animal Chaos

21.11.11 Front Page

Back Issue Page

1Knowing NASA, this might just work. – DG2Aw. Just when I was getting my tinfoil hat warmed up to join them.

Bookmark on your Personal Space


Conversations About This Entry

There are no Conversations for this Entry

Entry

A87722319

Infinite Improbability Drive

Infinite Improbability Drive

Read a random Edited Entry


Disclaimer

h2g2 is created by h2g2's users, who are members of the public. The views expressed are theirs and unless specifically stated are not those of the Not Panicking Ltd. Unlike Edited Entries, Entries have not been checked by an Editor. If you consider any Entry to be in breach of the site's House Rules, please register a complaint. For any other comments, please visit the Feedback page.

Write an Entry

"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It has been compiled and recompiled many times and under many different editorships. It contains contributions from countless numbers of travellers and researchers."

Write an entry
Read more