That Sinking Feeling
Created | Updated Jul 31, 2011
I don't know why Phinikoudes lied to me. He knows, but he's not giving up that information lightly.
We used to talk all the time, especially when we first met, but he's become reluctant of late - almost insular - and I'm finding the process tiring. He'll enquire occasionally about his health and the likely
outcome, but that's mostly when more and more money is spent on his treatment.
Does he feel guilty? I doubt it. I think he's more concerned that the professionals will actually fix him and that he'll be healthy for another 40 years. He's not happy about that and, in his usual brusque manner, he said so.
"For Heavens sake, Doctor Adamos, people are crawling all over me, inserting tubes, extracting samples and inspecting every part of my anatomy while I'm expected to lie here and take it all. Where's my dignity, where's your compassion? You are ripping the heart out of my soul"!
Dr. Adamos has seen it all; he's an accomplished consultant, but Phinikoudes' medical-notes are unusual and Phinikoudes is a patient that Dr. Adamos has often-hoped for.
I first met Phinikoudes about five years ago. He was 45 then and I was 38, so it wasn't that much of an age difference. We met via an agency - the modern way - but after just a few encounters, I was smitten.
Although Phinikoudes did worry me with certain aspects of his character and despite the fact that he was a little rough at times, I forgave that because (as I thought at the time) he was just perfect! The agency agreed, took our introduction fee and wished us both 'a lifetime of happiness'.
When we used to talk, I mean really talk, we talked about everything.
I will always remember him saying to me - "I'm settled, Mark. Everyone knows I'm settled now. OK, I did move around a bit when I was younger, but those days are gone. I'm happy here, in this spot, and I'm not moving ever again".
So I said, "Well, if you are really settled and definitely don't want to move, then why don't we do up the place? We can fit new floors, replace the kitchen and the bathroom, tidy the garden and make a brand-new home". I was so excited - here was our new life-experience - a chance for me and Phinikoudes to enjoy our time together, to try new things and to better our surroundings.
"It won't be cheap", Phinikoudes said, but I knew that. I did detect an air of hesitation in his voice although I assumed that since we were pushing our comfort-zones his response was only natural and partly expected.
"Go for it", Phinikoudes said.
And so we did. Over a period of 18 months, brand-new floors, fixtures and fittings were laid, added and installed. Phinikoudes supported us both throughout this period - I was the one working while he was solid, forgiving and steadfast. Everything was done with love, tenderness and an exquisite touch of class.
It was only when we'd both agreed that the job was finally finished that Phinikoudes dropped a bombshell. "I don't like it", he confessed. "It's really not me. In fact I hate it. I've got an awful sinking feeling that won't go away. It's in the pit of my stomach, my soul, my base, my bed-rock".
Over the next few months, his demeanour sank lower and lower. Despair took hold and I could see that his facial-features had dropped more and more. Cracks appeared in his well-being, his health and general appearance. He looked awful.
I nursed Phinikoudes as best I could, wiping away the suffering and tending to his age-lines by applying moisturiser to ailing skin. I even did his lipstick and make-up as best I could.
Shortly after, Phinikoudes suffered a major stroke and went downhill rapidly from there.
I couldn't bear to see him suffer further. Phinikoudes was adamant that he didn't want help. In fact he pleaded with me. He wanted to let fate take its chance, but I couldn't do that - he was all I had. He was my love and I'd given him five-good-years of devotion, care, mutual-understanding and passion alongside tenderness, thought and sympathy. It was my time to be strong and take total control.
Against his wishes, I called for professional help.
Dr. Adamos says that Phinikoudes will need under-pinning, 22 new structural columns, block-work, rebar and a new roof. Estimated cost €50.000.
He'll survive another 40 years though.
