The Post Horror Scope
Created | Updated Jul 4, 2002
Isn't it typical, just as Wimbledon gets underway does the rain begin to darken our skies. I was hoping to write about Tim Henman's win today (Wednesday), but alas he has only played one set... and 'Yay!! he did win it, but I do wish that I could say he won the entire game... Oh well will have to wait until tomorrow now.
Come on Tim, do your best!!!
The Horror Scope is divided rather neatly up into twelve sections, January through to December, and you will be able to tell which section you fall under by looking to the day you joined h2g2.
For those of you with limited understanding, I will explain further. If you joined h2g2 on the 25th April 2001, then your section will be April and you can read your future under that section heading.
There have been a couple of queries in the last few weeks about what happens if you have rejoined h2g2 with a brand new number, and do not know your original number. The answer to that is easily solved, use your new one. If on the other hand, you know the date of your last joining, and want to know which date to use. Then that is just as easy to answer, pick the one that you want to use, there's nothing I love more than people deciding their own destiny.
JANUARY
To glue or not to glue, that is the question. Okay, so you've broken something, and you're
afraid to tell the owner, isn't it better to own up than live with a guilty conscience?
FEBRUARY
A strange glowing haze in the Crystal Ball reveals that you have an uncertain time ahead of
you, you have no destiny at the moment, so you must get out there and forge one for
yourself.
MARCH
You will log onto h2g2 sometime this week and discover a button that you have never seen
before. You press it, and a small sign appears saying, 'Please do not press this button
again!'.
You go to other pages on h2g2 and see the same button; it seems you have discovered a new
feature, but what it does, you will have to discover for yourself.
APRIL
A large deadly snake will cross your path on Sunday, a herd of elegant Wildebeest will
begin to follow you around until scared away by a very majestic looking Lion. Is this the
holiday of your dreams, or are you going for a day out at your nearest Safari Park? Only
time will tell.
MAY
A curious old woman will turn up at your door at the weekend. She will be very old and slightly smelly. She will stare at you with watery grey eyes, smile with a gummy greeting, and say,
'Excuse me, is your door navy or prussian blue?'
JUNE
The Dregs at the bottom of the Coffee Mug show that you will be going on a long trip very soon, you will meet a lot of new people, and have great adventures. You will also change colour, and bring lots of fantastic stories back to tell your friends.
JULY
The Rumination of the Cow's Stomach reveals a little known relation will approach you with a suggestion that will cause you great discomfort. My only advice is that you do not have to do what is suggested, do not be persuaded by slick talking, but think long and hard, and make you own mind up.
AUGUST
Whilst watching Wimbledon on the television you notice that Uranus makes a brief but
telling appearance on the screen. Hopefully it is a good omen and that someone you would
very much like to win, will win this year.
A warning though, deny all knowledge that it is Uranus, or you may get into trouble with the
authorities.
SEPTEMBER
A large banana with two legs will approach you in the street this week; do not be afraid, in
fact if you stand your ground you might be the recipient of a rather nice surprise.
OCTOBER
On Tuesday a police force from the future will break into your home and arrest you for a crime that you haven't even done yet. When you question this, they tell will you,
'We can't tell you anything about the crime for fear of contaminating the timeline'.
So remember no matter what else you do, put on a clean pair of underwear when you get up as you may be going away on an extended break.
NOVEMBER
Roses are red,
November is cold,
Your future today,
Is to do as you're told.
DECEMBER
The Whingy Board has a message for you from a girl you new a long time ago in a galaxy far,
far away.
'Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you are my only hope...'
DISCLAIMER
As we all know fortune telling is not an exact science, so Greebo T. Cat, The Post and indeed
h2g2 cannot be held responsible for anything printed in The Horror Scope that is not one
hundred percent truthful. To be honest, I think you should all be jolly happy if one percent
of the predictions come true.
This statement in no way refutes Ms Cat's mystical gifts. So there!!!
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Mystic Greebs
