h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

In live comedy, dealing with hecklers is a required skill. There are many standard put downs available. BTW, using these standard lines is generally frowned upon because they're soooo well known now.

"Comedy is my job. You're interrupting; do you want me to come round your work tomorrow and hide your broom?"

"Sorry, I don't speak p****d".

"Aaah, I remember my first drink."

"Isn't it a school night?"

"Glad you could make it, although I'm sure I didn't see the Sunshine Coach outside when I came in."

"Isn't it always the way? You come out for a quiet chat and some git builds a comedy club round you. SHUT UP!"

"Has your carer got the night off?"

"OK, you obviously want my attention, so now you've got my attention. Now tell us, where did the bad man touch you?"

"Bringing your own jokes to a comedy club? Nice style; do you take your guitar to rock concerts too?"

After his Oedipus Rex "showtune":

The outpatients are out in force tonight, I see, good!

Victor Borge:

to late audience members " You're late! "

There is a pause as they progress to their seats and as they begin to sit down,

" Why are you late? "

Julian Clary does a few nasty ones:

'Don't clap on your own; someone will throw you a fish.'

'Hello... what have you come as?'

'Is that your face, or has your neck just vomited?'

"There he is, folks, the poster child for Planned Parenthood."

"You offer a strong argument for making abortion retroactive."

"You're quite a wit.... well, I was half right."

Similar to the first post, one I've always loved from Billy Connelly (it helps if you imagine his accent)

"Oh Shut up. Do I come to your work and tell you how to sweep up?"

There's a completely bizarre one from Harry Hill, which does the job of perplexing the heckler into silence;

'You may say that now, but I'm safe in the knowledge that when I go home, I have a warm chicken in the oven.'

"Why don't you talk to the wall; that's plastered as well".