h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Nancy Astor: You're drunk.
Churchill: And you're ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.

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Nancy Astor: If you were my husband, I would poison your tea.
Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.

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Dorothy Parker (on being told that President Calvin Coolidge had died)

"How could they tell?"
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Clare Boothe Luce: (inviting Dorothy Parker to enter a room first) Age before beauty.

Dorothy Parker: (accepting the invitation) Pearls before swine.

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Earl of Sandwich: Upon my honour, Wilkes, I don't know whether you'll die on the gallows or of the pox.

John Wilkes MP: That depends, my Lord, upon whether I embrace your Lordship's principles or your mistress.
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More if I can remember them

George Bernard Shaw invited Churchill to the first night of a new play, ending with:

"Bring a friend, if you have one."

Churchill wrote back:

"Impossible to be present for the first performance. Will attend the second - if there is one."

Hmm... opinion seems to be split at to whether Churchill's drunk/ugly comment was aimed at Nancy Astor or Bessie Braddock. I've a feeling it may have been the latter...

And while I'm here, from 'The Importance of Being Earnest' (Oscar Wilde):

Cecily: When I see a spade, I call it a spade.
Gwendolen: I am glad to say I have never seen a spade. It is obvious that our social spheres have been widely different.

I was certainly under the impression it was Bessie Braddock....

Right - can we pretend I said Bessie Braddock in the first place then?

I think that probably means a minus point in the quiz, Danny

Actually looking at how many points you've got, don't think one is going to make a lot of difference...

Nice try..!

Just to throw a spanner in the works, our reference guides here attribute the target as Lady Astor.

eeek!

Maybe he said it twice - it's too good a line to waste

When we're talking about who said what - There's a favourite of mine involving Oscar Wilde and "some lady I can't remember the name of"!

Oscar Wilde [Picks up a cigar]: Do you mind if I smoke?
???: Mister, I wouldn't care if you were burning.

Anyone know this?

Definately Bessie Braddock- at a party she was hosting. Although apparently he wasn't the first person to use it- it's a orignally attributed to some 18th century politico

The scene is: Winston Churchill, sitting a little tipsy in a train carriage with his fly open. A very prim and proper woman snaps at him:

"Sir, your penis is sticking out!"

Winston looks up groggily and growls:

"Madam, you flatter yourself. It is only poking out."



"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. "

"I've had a lovely evening, but this wasn't it"
- Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

"Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour. "
- Gioacchino Rossini (1792-1868)

And my favourite:

"The average person thinks he isn't. "
- Father Larry Lorenzoni

Dorothy Parker:
'You can lead a horticulture, but you cannot make her think.'

Winston Churchill (on being disturbed while on the bog by the Privy Seal, who he referred to as a 'right s**ta**e')
'Please tell the Privy Seal that I am sealed in the privy, and I can only deal with one s**t at a time!'

In answer to Tilly, it was Sarah Bernhardt. And now for some more:

Anonymous actress: "I enjoyed your book, who wrote it for you?"
Ilka Chase: "Darling, I'm so glad you liked it. Who read it to you?"

Anonymous woman: "There are two things I don't like about you, Mr. Churchill-your politics and your mustache."
Winston Churchill:"My dear madam, pray do not disturb yourself. You are not likely to come into contact with either."

David Frost: "He left his body to science-and science is contesting the will."

Margaret Halsey: "He must have had a magnificent build before his stomach went in for a career of its own."

Mae West: "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

A comment my dad came out with once (not to me, I'm glad to say):
'If they put your brains in a blackbird, it would fly backwards.'

'There are only two things I don't like about you - your face.'

"If brains were gunpowder, you wouldn't have enough to part your hair".

"If I was two-faced, why would I be wearing this one?"