Operating Doors Content from the guide to life, the universe and everything

Operating Doors

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The Basic Door is usually a little over six foot tall, though actual sizes vary. They can be made of many different materials, but often wood or imitation wood. All have one thing in common, the handle. It is this feature that plays a major role in this section of instructions.


  • Approach door. Stop when handle is within arm's reach. If nose begins to hurt, you are too close.

  • Grasp handle with hand. If the handle has a long metal bit, apply pressure downwards. If the handle is round, twist towards the hinges (the metal things on the other side of the door).

  • Slowly push at the door, while applying the step above. If nothing happens, try pulling.

  • If nose begins to hurt and/or bleed, you are pulling too fast.

  • Once a large hole forms in the wall, the door is considered open. Calmly step through and grasp the handle again.

  • Begin to pull the door until it is back in its original location. If pulling doesn't work, try pushing.

Slide Doors

Slide Doors are a little more complex. They involve moving the door horizontally rather than rotating it around the axis of the doorframe, and so it is recommended that you have some experience with Basic Doors before attempting the Slide Door. If you think you are ready, read on.


  • Approach Door. You should be able to do this without walking into the door by now, but exercise caution, some slide doors contain invisible stuff called glass that hurts when you walk into it.

  • Grasp handle. Do not attempt to push or pull this handle, as it won't work.

  • Gently slide the door towards the second glass pane. Do not apply excess pressure on the door and do not force it once it stops moving.

  • Once the door is open, step through and slide the door closed again.

Revolving Doors

Revolving Doors are by far the most complex and dangerous type of door that you will ever have to face. Some of these are manual, while others are automatic. It is the automatic revolving door that we will be studying in this entry. Please take extreme caution, failure to follow these instructions will result in acute embarrassment, humiliation and, in extreme cases, death.

  • Approach Door. It will be moving round slowly (with any luck), so don't approach too closely. If it is moving very fast, wait until it has begun to slow down.

  • When a gap presents itself, step in.

  • Keep following the door until you reach the gap at the far side. Do not stop at any point until you are completely clear of the door.

  • Should you miss, try again. Practise makes perfect!

Locked Doors

Locked Doors are a fiendishly cunning invention. They can look like almost any other type of door, but they cannot be opened in the normal way. There are two ways of opening this door, the second of which is not recommended, as you will find yourself behind a very strong locked door in your nearest prison. Let's begin.

Method One

  • Approach Door as normal.

  • Insert small metallic object, hereafter referred to as a Key into the very small metal hole, hereafter referred to as a Lock.

  • Turn key. If key will not turn, try turning it the other way.

  • If key turns but nothing happens, try inserting key into the lock.

  • If key still does not turn, try a different key.

  • While key is fully turned in lock, use it to pull the door open.

  • Close as normal.

Method Two

  • Approach door with sledge hammer.

  • Strike door repeatedly with the metal end of the sledge hammer until door breaks. It is now considered open.

  • Note that the door cannot be closed again using this method.

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