A Conversation for Alcohol Abuse

red eyes

Post 1


For those who míght ever read this.
It will the the worst English you did ever read.

Yesterday evening I saw someone at the other side of a canal in Utrecht (centre of Holland)on his bike, but suddenly it came to a standstill and he fell flat on the ground and remained there.

Because I saw a couple walking in his direction I kept standing where I stood and watched carefully.

After a minute it became clear he was drunk as you can be.

When I walked further I realised why my first reaction was to wait and see in stead of walking over the bridge to meet him.

I can't stand drunken people.
I have had móre then enough in my familylife.
The red eyes, the viruolence, the impotent-alcohol-language, the victim-attitude, the sickening of daily life, etc. etc.etc. etc.etc. etc.etc. etc.etc. etc.etc. etc. etc. etc.

One of my older brothers was an alcoholic but - due to familyculture -no one gave it that tilte.

I don't exactly know how it all started. Probably during militairy service=training 1 1/2 year in peace time. Boys, drinking, etc.

He reacted at familylife by drinking, apathy, begging for attention and selfdestruction.
He stayed home forever, although the last five years he rented a small appartement but every long weekend he returned home to share his drinking with his father (being his playtoy)and running after my mother with a knife in his hands.
I remember him once saying; "when I hear the old guy talking at Mam,
I think; "I'll kill you one day".

Drinking started in the afternoon and in the weekends they still went to church and talking about the bible, even playing at an organ at home, religion became a cocktail of delirium feelings.

But in the years he was ever at home, except on saterdays, he sat in the living room with a radio at his knees, staring at the wall.
Hardly realizing all the others had left.

He could draw portrets very well by using charcoal. He once gave such a portret to the famous football player from Spain, Alfredo di Stefano, when he was in Amsterdam.

My brother died in 1984. They found him in his appartement and was burried a few days later by the inner circle of the family.

I did read his diary and he had written that he was "going to make a journey" and indeed he had already stuffed a sutecase with clothes.

About three times he was close to death by a mood of selfdestruction.
One time he ran into a tree with his scooter, the other time he put gasoline on a barbacue and fell with his face in it (yes, some days were really pleaseant and relaxing) and there was another time.

But I had already left before that all happenend.

Strangely enough he and me had the best contact in the last ten years.
He was also invited by me to be one of the witnesses. He did.
At other marriages he wasn't present.

When I was roaming Holland in the seventees he one joined me for two weeks, while he should have been in a therapy-centre.

Sicker he became.
At the end he could not use his normal clothes, because his liver was too swollen.

I was at his funeral, strangely enough.
In his last notes he wrote; "who will take care of my chickens".

"Who will take care".
Vain and horney; these are all that can be said about my family,
myself inculded.
By accident my way suddenly went the other way, but basically we were all the same in emotional constitution and life attitude.
Not a family the world was waiting for.
Cheating girls and friends.

When I once visited the grave of my sister, I put some charcoal
on his grave. There are three now in the same grave; my sister, my brother and my mother.
My father is in a grave next to it.

I'll never join it.
That's for sure.

red eyes

Post 2


hi red eyes,

that was really a sad story. i guess thats where alcohol takes u finally.

i was an alcoholic..or perhaps i still am but not really having any alcohol cos i had hit the rock bottom and i know how it is to be in hell and back again..though the tendencies are still there, its frightening to start the cycle all over again..you know, drunk, bad mornings, getting sick, abusive, destroying relationships...losing all your freinds.

although as you said the term 'alcoholic' is not really used cos' that term is actually differentiating you from the rest of the society. But that is the truth. It took me a lot of time to accept the fact that iam an alcoholic and to understand what my limitations are. alcoholics cannot stop at one drink or two. they could go on and on and on....(not 'they'..but me atleast) till i could just get knocked out. some situations sound so familiar..like avoiding social functions or gatherings...this was the same..or is the same with anyone submissive to alcohol. and when i saw or could feel that everything was falling apart..i had to stop. although im having a great life now..fresh, enthusiastic about life..working, doing everything and no drop of alcohol, believe me, if i did get a chance..or if iam in the company of alcohol,,i donno..you see, u dont really need a reason to have a drink. you can drink cos ur sad, cos ur happy, cos ur freinds ditched u, cos u got a promotion..the list is endless...but iam glad so far i stayed away..

its great to know that u steered clear away from the devil.

good luck

eye2eyesmiley - smiley

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