A Conversation for Dealing with Being Dumped

Breaking up is hard to do...

Post 1

Researcher 228388

I read the tips on how to handle a break-up. Two months ago I split up with my ex-boyfriend. He actually told me to take a hike after 6 years of a very on and off again relationship. This time I actually took him at his word. While some realities may be painful at first, the more you deny certain negative aspects of a relationship, you are prone to re-enact them over and over again. When speaking of the ex, I used refer to him as the, "Ex-not so-ex", now he is just plain old ex. I too tried the stalking,(we actually used to go to all the same pubs), now I don't frequent those places. He is free to be there, bu t I know I will run in to him there and it would be to painful and weird for me. I tried the drinking, elicit sex, gambling and other forms of escape. None worked. The only thing I have found that has any effect for me is to be as busy and pro-active as possible. I have good days and very bad days. Those bad days will not disappear very soon but I have a supportive group of family and friends. That helps. I still think about this person and talk about him, I do not force myself to block out the memories or the pain. I work through the the best way I can. While I agree with the purging theory, for me it has not worked. There is a diffrence between obsessing and having a human response to a painful situation. It has taken my years to realize the diffrence between the two and to try to be aware of the warning signals. Being sober most of the time also helps me to keep in check what my emotions are and to not make that horrible phone call to my ex at 2:00am in the morning, crying and being hysterical and drunk. Having some pride in yourself also helps heal some of the wounds. Also, believing what the other person says about the relationship and their feelings toward you helps you to let go that much faster.

Breaking up is hard to do...

Post 2


Hi there,
I read your message and i found some strong elements in the way you reacted to your affairs with your ex, when i say strong i mean your strength and patience.
Anyway, i had something similar with a 5 yrs., on and off, relationship.
I still see him and we still have sex and deep conversations inspite of having broken up 5 months ago, but i don't seem to be able to let go of my feelings toward him. In spite of the emotional suffering I went through, I still love him even though i was the one to dump him.
But hey, everyone makes mistake and i suppose i have to learn to forgive myself. As for him i now seem to be able to put up with the ''bad'' side of him more than when we were together, basically i have forgiven him.
How can you explain that? I forgive him but not me?!
It all seem so complex to me... The contradiction in my mind and i feel he still loves me but he won't have a ''normal'' relationship with me after all i made him endure. Fair enough I suppose!
Anyway, one thing that puzzles me is that his best friend (a girl) has been helping and supporting him a lot since the break up, perhaps because he finds in her someone like a sister, and i know she loves talking about relationships and stuffs like that and i don't like being jealous but he talks of her like she is an amazing person.
So if you think its all too confusing or a messed up situation or maybe you can clear up some confusion through advice, whatever, it would be nice to hear from you.
Thanks and all the best.

Breaking up is hard to do...

Post 3


I would crawl over 300 miles of broken glass to see the person in question for me, but instead I've been terribly brave and told her that it's too hard for me to be on touch with her. It goes against everything I'm feeling, but my logical side tells me that cold turkey is probably going to be easier than constantly seeking a fix.

I keep using drug analogies, but that's because it's honestly what it feels like.

Breaking up is hard to do...

Post 4


I was finished by my boyfriend of a year on Xmas Day and to be quite frank I'm not coping at all, we had a difficult year, he followed me for five months saying I was cheating on him when, in fact, I wasn't. His mum interfered constantly, banning him from a holiday we had booked by threatening me with the police ( keen to point out I'd done nothing wrong ). We split for a few days after his dad came round to talk to my parents - I'm 26 he was 28, then when I was leaving work I had a voice turned round and there he was a mess begging to get back with me.
His mum at this point around October decided she wanted to be back in control ( she's disliked all his g/f's, all thought grew to cope with the quiet last one ), and told him that unless he stopped seeing me she was throwing him out of the house, she proceded to scream this regularly at him, and then started making things up about me, it was at this point he decided to cheat, for three weeks with an older woman. Then had the thought that he wouldn't actually finish with me or tell me anything was wrong for a further two months.

Anyway I'm struggling to cope now with the split because I keep remembering him wanting me so much and now he doesn't actually seem to care at all, whereas he didn't shut up about his ex for three - six months in to our relationship. I would really appreciate some advice as I can't seem to accept that it's over, I feel sick all the time and the fact that I feel guilty over trivial arguments & can't seem to get my head round never being with him again isn't working. Please help!

Breaking up is hard to do...

Post 5


I just got dumped on Friday. This was a relationship that began during the summer, but had much promise. I have lived enough of life to be discerning(I am in my late 40's, she her mid 40's), but there was always a little something "wrong" in this relationship. I looked at it as accepting the imperfections of my mate, as I too am sure I have them as well.

To me, the breakup was over trivial things. She pulled the trigger twice. The first time, I went after her, though it was not my causing. This time, I will NOT go after her. Yes, its painful. But a very important thing is recognizing that you do not pursue those that are simply not interested. If your boyfriend once showed interest, but now does not, it is time to begin the healing process and the letting go.

First and foremost, do your mourning and crying. DO NOT even THINK about dating right now. Also reflect on your life prior to the relationship. I am sure you were vibrant, and dealing with whatever came your way. I look at this mourning process like a roller coaster. There will be peaks and valleys, but eventually the ride ends. If you ride it again, it never is like the first time.

I miss her and love her for its only been a few days. I just had book a trip for us to Budapest. I will mourn this, focus on getting on with my life and I will still go to Budapest. Remember this too shall pass for you. I wish you the best that life has to offer.

Breaking up is hard to do...

Post 6


I just got dumped, exactly 26 hours ago, and i have no idea how to take it !!!!. The guy is 18 years older than me (although he definately doesn't look it), he has two teenage kids, and im pretty sure has no where near as much money as he claims to have. Urgh maybe im just angry, but he asked me to marry him and now he dumps me two days before new year and 7 days before my first exam for 3rd year at uni. What a complete bastard, and no amount of wine or lavender bath oil is helping. Any suggestions would be great?

The worst thing is i know for a fact in one weeks time he is going to text me saying im the love of his life and begging me for forgiveness (this has happened three times before !). This time i really just want to tell him to f*ck off, anyway, i feel slightly better getting that information of my chest x

Breaking up is hard to do...

Post 7


dont worry fifiwest, i bet its his loss, and how did that exam go in the end???? smiley - cool

Breaking up is hard to do...

Post 8


Some guys are so controlled by their mothers, it's hard to have a relationship with them and they might prove to be very immature in other areas as well.

My boyfriend who dumped me a week ago, has similar issues. Lives still at home with his parents, even though he is already 30. I should have seen it from the beginning, but because I was and I am still in love with him, rational thought just flew right out the window.

If we see too many red flags in the relationship, we have to listen to our rational mind and be strong and stay away from relationships where we only hurt us or the partner in the long run.

I am trying to console myself with that, but deep down I am very hurt, also about the way he broke up with me (over the phone, 30 seconds) because I was very committed to him. Sadly, I think that I would eventually had to break up with him, because I knew with all our differences, we could not make it in the long run.

Breaking up is hard to do...

Post 9


Oh, that Is cold and cruel(brief and over the phone)!smiley - hug

I'm one of the <./>aces</.> here to welcome you to the hootoo(as often refer to h2g2)community. I plan to leave you a message on your space/page that should help you settle in nicely. So 'see you' there, ok! *waves*

Breaking up is hard to do...

Post 10


Oh and you heard about the difference between men and savings bonds? The savings bonds mature ...some men never seem to!smiley - winkeye

Breaking up is hard to do...

Post 11


Men and women take break ups alot differently. This,I have learned. Women grieve for a period of time before they cut the man loose. She gives the man warning signs, or flat out tells him she is unhappy. And when she has finally had enough of the situation because it wont change or improve, she lets go. The man does not see this coming and is hurt, and angry over her decision. He begs. But alas it is much too late for reconciliation as she has made up her mind. Thats when it turns ugly. The man needs to grieve also. And the stages he goes through are at times ugly.His only wish is to get her back. But as he goes through the stages of anger, begging, resentment, fury, this only serves to prove the woman indeed made the right decision to move on and away from the relationship. Sad but true. I'm living it.

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