Virtue or Bust: A Web Test for the Thoughtfully Bored
Created | Updated Feb 28, 2010
I know spring will come. I saw the bluebird of happiness on the tree outside my window yesterday, and he told me so. So there.
Brothers and sisters, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, sizes, temperaments, and nationalities:
I am here to talk to you about virtues.
You know what those are, don't you? 'Course you do. Virtues are qualities that make us good. Virtues make us what we are, shore up our strengths as a society. Virtues make us human.
Why am I talking about virtue? Well, Ben Franklin was going on about it the other day — okay, a couple of hundred years ago — and, besides, it's cold and rainy, and I don't want to go out.
Ben said a good republic depended on the virtue of its citizens. He was right, of course — he was always right. Well, almost1.
Back when he was a young, bifocaled firebrand, Ben made a list of the virtues he thought were important, and resolved to acquire them. That set me thinking — how would those virtues fare in today's marketplace? Would we want the same things in the age of Brittney Spears and oh-gosh-the-Americans-just-HAVE-to-get-all-the medals-or-it's-not-an-Olympics? Let's see.
Help me with this challenge: You take the test. Tote up your score and post it at the bottom of this page. Also add any demographic data you care to: approximate age (older or younger than, say, Piltdown Man), place of residence to within 100 nautical miles of the nearest megalith, philosophical affiliation, etc. Perhaps we can form some sort of idea of the modern virtues, internet-style.
Perhaps not. But hey, it's February, it's cold, and we've got to do something while we're waiting for winter to go away, ain't?
| Ben Franklin's 13 Virtues Updated | |||
|---|---|---|---|
| Ben's Version | Gheorgheni's Version | ||
| TEMPERANCE: Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation. | Never get so high you can't remember to push the "down" button on the lift. | I approve of this virtue: 1 pt. | |
| SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation. | Avoid discussing reality television with anyone whose IQ totals more than double digits. | I approve of this virtue: 1 pt. | |
| ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time. | Get your stuff together, and remember where you put that PDA. Better yet, don't use a PDA. Use a good memory. | I approve of this virtue: 1 pt. | |
| RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve. | Make up your mind, already. Oh, and unlike a politician, keep your promises. | I approve of this virtue: 1 pt. | |
| FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing | Like the man said, waste not, want not. But standing a round for your friends is doing good, and it's keeping you away from reality television. | I approve of this virtue: 1 pt. | |
| INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions. | Okay, this one's hard. We all do it. We know we shouldn't. Lay off playing those silly computer games. NOW! What do you think Ben would have said about OMGPOP? | I approve of this virtue: 1 pt. | |
| SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly. | Duh. Never, ever lie on those personality quizzes. | I approve of this virtue: 1 pt. | |
| JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty. | You remember that guy in your office who's always stabbing people in the back? Don't be like him. | I approve of this virtue: 1 pt. | |
| MODERATION. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve. | Don't go off the deep end — avoid being a drama queen. Stop overreacting. In short, stop acting like a reality television participant. | I approve of this virtue: 1 pt. | |
| CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation. | Pull up your socks. Pick up your socks. You know who you are. And take a bath — we know it's cold outside, but it isn't really true about that extra layer of dirt being good insulation. And shave. Your wife says so. | I approve of this virtue: 1 pt. | |
| TRANQUILLITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable. | That was my favourite Star Trek glass. My VERY FAVOURITE Star Trek glass. And the cat knocked it over. No, it ISN'T just like that other one, mine had the Vulcan on it...AARGH! | I approve of this virtue: 1 pt. | |
| CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation. | Okay, it's blush time. Decide what you like about this one. But notice Ben thought sex was healthy. That must be why he...you know...A lot, so I hear. | I approve of this virtue: 1 pt. | |
| HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates. | If you don't know what humility is, look it up. It's, er, not being like Donald Trump. Or the guy who wins the television reality contest. Or any of those US gold medalists. Or... | I approve of this virtue: 1 pt. | |
Okay, it's crunch time. How did you do? Count up the times you could agree with column 3 — note to the innumerate, you might need three toes — and check your results below. No cheating — it's not a virtue.
| SCORING | |||
|---|---|---|---|
| 1-3 | You are kidding me. You're not kidding me? Unless your name is 2legs, I don't believe you. | ||
| 4-7 | Well, okay, semi-virtuous. You might check out the self-help aisle in the bookseller's. But don't steal anything! | ||
| 8-11 | Thou art virtuous enough to sit with Ben Franklin. In the back of the Quaker meeting. Where he fell asleep. | ||
| 12-13 | Now you're talkin'! Man, you are so virtuous you probably glow in the dark, shedding light on the less fortunate. Can I have your autograph? | ||
Fact and Fiction by Dmitri Gheorgheni Archive
