h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi FM

I'm currently looking for pictures for my next years calendar, and like your passion flower graphic. Problem is, I'm trying to choose pictures that represent the month they're used for, and (unless I missed it) there's no info on which month(s) the passion flower blooms, so could you tell me when if blooms please.

If you want to see what I mean click on my name, and follow any of the links there, though I don't think you'll like it much, it's all mumbo-jumbo, hocus-pocus sort of stuff, but it's not meant to be taken seriously, just some light-hearted entertainment.

Oh and, you know me by my regular name. I have your passion flower graphic on my PS, and when I wrote an edgy Entry a few months ago, you said if that got a graphic, you'd put it on your PS, no worries though, that's never going to happen, well, not in our life-time.

Lilac

Hi Emmily
It's nice of you to ask if you can use the graphic, but this is probably no more than a courtesy as anybody can use anything around here they find lying about.

In fact, I'd be tempted to use it for April. April is the month of Easter, and Easter is all about the Passion. Given warm conditions, the Passion Flower will bloom all year round, but my P. incarnata starts off in May-ish (hence its other name - maypops).

And yes, I would have reciprocated and placed your edgy graphic on my PS, not just because I enjoying rocking the boat, but perhaps because we have a little more in common than is apparent from reading my journals...

"Hi Emmily " Oh for giving me away FM, was that payback for the smileys in the other thread

I've taken your advice and used the Passion Flower for April, as there's no available Easter pictures. I already had one in April, but it works just as well in March.

As a member of the <./>Photographers</.> Group, I was going to nominate the BDSM Entry for a photograph to be applied, in the best possible taste of course , but as an Entry less edgy than that was refused by the Eds on the grounds of not promoting the Entry, I decided not to nominate it. Maybe in a year or two the idea might be more acceptable, but don't hold your breath.

Lilac

It's a very nice calendar, btw. must have taken you ages.

It's hilarious, because I looked at your calendar for my birthday, which is on August 28th, and the description of my characteristics, good and bad, has me down to a tee. It's a fair cop, guv, but society's to blame...

Thanks for the compliment, it did take quite a while, but was worth it, I was happy with the result.

I can see how your birthday description fits, though I just see you as a grumpy old man, and that's not meant as an insult FM, I live (contently) with a grumpy old man, and I don't find many of his jokes funny. I'll tell you one of his recent ones, but warn you it's in bad taste.

"I know what I'm getting Sandra for Christmas: a basque, a mini-skirt, fishnet-stockings and a one way ticket to Ipswich"

He was telling people that before anyone was arrested. I tried to stop him telling it to the old biddies (aged between 60s to 80s) that I work with in the charity shop, thinking they wouldn't find it funny, but they did.

Lilac

Oh, I'm certainly a grumpy old git, but there's a lot more to me than that.

Tasteful joke . A friend of mine (yes, I do have them) lives a mile away from where all the bodies were found. I'm sure he'd have something to say in response to that.

The middle part of the joke is visually amusing, but then you'd need to know what the vision is to know that. I'm just under five foot, weight around 14 stone and am size 20-22, in other words, I'm a little fat dumpling. I would look totally ridiculous in the above-mentioned attire. It's the kind out outfit Dawn French or Jo brand would wear for a walk-on laugh.

It's an unfortunate quirk of human nature that *some* people find humour in tragedy that doesn't directly affect them. There were quite a few *bad taste* jokes doing the rounds at my partner's work place (he's a technician in a college) whether they were originating from the staff or the students, I've no idea.

The first tragedy related joke I remember, and I don't remember the actual joke, only the situation. It was a rocket launch involving seven astronauts; one was a teacher, they all died due to a malfunction. The joke, one of several going round, was something to do with '7UP' the drink, and 'Teachers', whisky. That's all I remember.

My favourite type of joke is 'bloke jokes', (nice and simple [tried to resist saying "like men" but failed ]) there's a whole thread of them I posted somewhere here. Though someone thought I was a man-hater, he posted to apologise on behalf of the male species, and said we aren't all rats (or something like that). To even things up a bit, I posted some 'woman jokes', but there's just not many of them, and they're not very good. All the best woman jokes are directed either at blondes, or Essex girls.

It's 3.25am on Christmas Day, I'd better go to bed. Have a good Christmas FM

Lilac

Q: how do you know when an Essex girl has an orgasm?
A: she drops her chips.

one of my favourite blonde jokes is -

Q. What do you call a blonde who dies her hair brunette?


A. Artificial intelligence.

Here's something to amuse you

New procedures

Please note that with the arrival of new' Drive-Thru' cash point machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

MALE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car to the machine.
3. Restart the stalled engine.
4. Wind window down.
5. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat, to locate card.
6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror.
7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine, due to its excessive distance from the car.
9. Insert card.
10. Re-insert card the right way up.
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary, with your PIN written on the inside cover.
12. Enter PIN.
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14. Enter amount of cash required.
15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror.
16. Retrieve cash and receipt.
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash
18. Place receipt in back of check book.
19. Drive forward two meters.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
23. Drive for 3 to 4 miles.
24. Release handbrake.

Lilac