Introduction

** Under development **

Public transport has revolutionised the way that large bodies of people are transported from point A to point B. Each year a large number of people are leaving their cars to use this greener and sometimes more efficient service to make their every day journeys into city.

This enforced compression of humanity into very small spaces has given rise to the need for public transport etiquette. The following guide entry is an organic thing which will grow in the future to cover all areas of public transport usage and the etiquette which should be adopted to make journeys as pleasant as possible.

To make use of the guide, locate the breach of etiquette from our list of actions below. Attached to each action is the proper solution.

H2G2 and the BBC do not condone any of the practices outlined below. This is not real-life, it is only for fun. Anyone who suffers any loss or damages due to their own stupidity should present themselves to the nearest euthanasia booth and have themselves removed from the gene pool

Smells

Garlic

The passenger sitting across from you smells strongly of garlic.

Formally introduce yourself to the offender, explain that they smell strongly of garlic, present them with a breathe freshening mint and say in a clear firm voice "There are no vampires on this vehicle, please make use of this mint flavoured confectionery".

You have over indulged in garlic the previous evening.

Strike up a conversation about the healing qualities of garlic. How it has anti-viral and anti-bacterial qualities. Mention the conclusive scientific studies on garlic and the part it has to play in cardiac health. This rather dull conversation will hopefully make any fellow passengers move away from you, thereby removing the problem. WARNING: You may thought of as the mad person who strikes up and unwanted conversation, please see this entry in the guide for help.

Flatulence

You have "let one off" by accident.

Sniff in a very abvious way and ask anyone who has noticed the smell "Is there a sewage works around here?".

Someone "drops their lunch" in your immediate vicinity.

Stand bolt up-right and in your best pompous English officer voice shout "Gas-masks chaps, the fiendish enemy has launched a gas attack". Emphasis should be placed upon the enemy by pointing at the rotten stinker.

Strong toiletries

Your un-invited travelling companion is wearing overpowering perfume/aftershave.

Lean over to the person bringing disharmony to your karma and whisper "do you smell?" They will reply with an offended no, to which you riposte "Just so I know, I no longer have access to that sense since your perfume/aftershave burnt away the lining of my nose."

Body Odour

Someone in your vicinity smells of stale sweat.

Strike up a pleasant conversation about the weather or some such innocuos topic. Lead them into the ambush by chatting about everyday things and then move onto the main thrust of the attack. Tell them about the documentary you saw on television last night about the fascinating civet, and how its anal gland is coveted for use in the perfume industry as musk. Hopefully they will say I wonder how that smells, to which you can reply "not as bad as you, you stinking retch, get a bath!"

Accessories

Newspapers

The person across from you is reading a broad sheet newspaper, and is repeatedly hitting you with the pages as they are turned.

Push your finger into the newspaper in your best imitation of a gun and when the paper is lowered by it's owner to see what you are doing, adopt your best mad look and say "Do you know where they take the bodies of people murdered on the bus/train". Your unwelcome travelling companion will move very quickly thereafter.

Someone is reading your newspaper.

Hear lies a very interesting game to play on your way home. Resign yourself to the fact that you will not be able to read your newspaper in comfort, therefore do the following, mix and match from the following acts to thwart the would-be surreptiuos reader:

Move your paper back and forward towards the reader by a small amount, thereby making them focus and re-focus to such a level that they become nauseous.

Wait until the "sneaker peeker" is engrossed in an article and quickly turn the page. Wait a moment and then switch back to the previous page. They will be delighted that they can continue to read the interesting article, and then pow, turn forward again. Repeat as required.

Tear two eye holes in your paper and stare through the holes at the reader. This intelligence gathering technique should stop them reading your paper.

Pretend to finish reading your paper and fold it up. Ask your companion if they would like the paper, to which they should answer "Yes", riposte with the line "Why you've already read most of it".

A helpful Soul gives you the answer to a cross-word clue.

Smile and thank them, and then write in the space YOU MUST DIE.

Mobile Phones

Someone's mobile phone activate with a silly tune.

Laugh in the manner of a horse neighing. Give them a friendly punch on their shoulder and go on to tell them how having the theme from James Bond says so much about them as a person. Tell them that you are sure they take their martinis shaken not stirred and that they are the most original person you have met today.

Someone answers their phone and their first answer is "I'm on the bus/train.

As passengers we are subjected to enough boredom with our daily trip without having to listen to the same conversation played over and over again. To break up the boredom please play the following game. As with the newspaper game there are a number of "plays" to use. See if you can use them all on one trip

As the person says "I'm on the train/bus" shout out that they should come for their masasge now.

Grab your chest and fall to the floor of the carriage and cry out in agony "Switch ... off .... your ... phone .... my ... heart ... pace ... maker ... is ... affected"

Repeat every line of their inane conversation at the same time as they say it

Grab the phone and start a conversation with the person on the other end. Confirm your suspicions that they will be meeting up with the call recipient in ten minutes and that the call could have waited

(NOTE This make take some preparation) Craft a bomb from cardboard boxes and sticky back plastic in a Blue Peter*style and attach it to your chest under yoru coat. When the phone rings stand up, expose the bomb and hold up a pre-made sighn stating - This bomb will explode in 10 seconds unless you switch off your phone

Umbrellas

It is raining and an inconsiderate lout places their umberella next to your legs. You become damp from the resultant run off

Begin your rebuff by making a nervous laughing noise. and then say "Drips, there are drips on my leg from your umbrella.". Move the laugh up one more mad notch and then continue your speach with "They used to drip on me in the camp at Pak Choi. Drip, drip, drip on the forehead for hour after hour.Chineese water torture they called it.". Turn to your invisible friend and begin to speak to him "Charlie, what shall we do to the leg dripper on?" pause whilst your invisible friend replies to you "we cannot kill someone for that can we?". Turn towards the offender with your best mad eyes look.

Laptop computers

A fellow passenger has booted up their laptop in the hope that all the passengers around them will notice what a dynamic young executive type they are. The message they are trying to convey is that "I work every minute available to me, because I am that important.

There are two methods to counter this anti-social behaviour:

i) approach the person and ask in your best cockney gangster voice "If I got me one of them lappy things that was not too kosher, for example through aggravated theft, how much should I ask Johnny the Fence for it"

ii) Peer at the screen of the techno junky and say (as usual) in a loud voice "Strewth I didn't know there were porn sites which would stoop to that level of filth. Is that an aardvark?"

Luggage

Imagine the scene, you have squeezed yourself onto a packed train and dig deep into your reseverves. You push through a body of people and make your way to a seat which you can see is vacant, only to find a bag requires a seat.

Strike up a conversation with the bag. Ask if it's poor little feet are so tired that it needs to have a seat. The first sentence should be in a patronising voice, then switch to your by now mastered nasty voice and inform the bag that there is no room for them in this society, that the lilly livered liberals have not changed the old order yet, and that in no way is a bag going to pretend that it is on the same level as a human. Call out to others on the vehicle that we are going to have an old fashioned lynchin'.

NOTE TO SELF - HAS THIS ONE GONE TOO FAR, GIVE IT A COUPLE OF DAYS AND REVIEW

Music

Technology has enabled us to minaturise the devices we use to listen to music to such an extent that the entire works of the Goombay Dance Band can be placed into a device the same size as a cigarette box. Why is it then that the music cannot be contained within the headphones of the listener. Instead we are subjected to a noise which can only be described as bees having a right old knees up.

The law is on our side with this one (The law refered to is local law to the north east of England whilst using the Tyne and Wear metro. Please refer to a qualified law practionioner in your locallity before sentencing anyone to death). The law states that persons using personal stereos should only have the volume raised to a level so that music can be heard by the user not anyone in the surrounding vicinity. The writer of this entry is not a lawyer as you may have guessed therefore his interpretation of juriprudence may be inaccurate or even out and out wrong, but if you break the law you should be punished, therefore a punishment has been taken at random from "law textbooks"*. It has been decided that the punishment for loud personal stereod is to be Hanged, drawn and quartered. Feel free to carry out the sentence then and there.

Physical Contact

P.S.A (Public Show of Affection)

Young people believe they have a monopoly on passion and as a result they are prone to show this affection publically and at vomit inducing length. Try the following to reduce their ardour.

"Get a room" goes the cry. The adults on the vehicle who can afford their own place are just as horny as the next adolescent, but we just don't want to see touching and kissing on our early morning train. Should loves young dream not realise that you are refering to them, then a more direct approach is required.WARNING: this techinique holds a certain stigma only try if everyone on the carriage is fed up of the kids making out. Walk up to the couple, bend your knees slightly and start rubbing your thighs up and down. At the same time repreatedly lick your lips. Stare at the people kissing. This is almost as effective as a bucket of cold water to spoil the mood.

The European Union Snog Quota

It is understood that the EU snog quota has a lot to do with the increase of PSA. Mediteranean countries filled with beautiful olive skinned dark haired latin types have a higher snog quota than cold northern European countries and therefore the PSA is more acceptable on those countries public transport systems. The increase in foreign travel has resulted in the misguided belief that spotty pale skinned kids can "suck face" at will on buses.

Personal Envelope

It is not a well know fact, but we each have an invisible envelope of space around ourselves of aproximately 0.745 of a metre into which we only like people to enter at our invitation. People entering the zone unasked make us feel uncomfortable and trigger fight/flight reaction.

On a crowded train it is sometimes impossible to keep people out of your space, but should they enter when there is no need, firstly give them a warning by moving slightly. Some people will invade your territory to

Staring

TO DO

Gropers

A rather sad and pathetic group of fetishists have emerged on the public transport system - the groper. These sub-human characters get their kicks by sexually abusing people on crowded vehicles. Not to make light of this offence, report any incident to the police

Grasp the hand and hold it up. Say in a clear voice "Has anyone lost a hand, I've found this one on my bottom

Converstation

Wittering"

"Wittering" is the act of talking with no content. This is not a sexist comment, but sadly middle aged women tend to be the greatest witterers. The witterer will talk at length but with no content. The conversations are usually of such inane quality that it will cause commuter rage if people are exposed for any length of time.

Wittering is a social disease which needs to be conquered. Everyone can help combat this afflication, and this is how to do it; Should a case of wittering flare up on the carriage you are in, immediately approach the person and engage them in conversation about a topical and thought provoking subject. The researcher of this article will carry copies of the glossy magazines distributed by broadsheet newspapers at the weekend to show the patient, in the hope that the pretty pictures will jump start them into the opening line of .."What's that?".

Talking too loud

This is usually the domain of the student. It is their habit to talk too loudly about topics which they think are of great importance i.e. why they should have to pay so much for beer when they are the future of the country

Again the bold approach is the only solution to this problem. Approach the loud talker and shake them firmly by the hand. Begin your discourse in a loud nasal whine and explain to the tax dodging wasters that due to the economic downturn, they will not be able to follow the profession of their choice, but that you are proud to meet the next generation of burger hustlers.

Un-asked for Conversation

There are some people on this planet who cannot spend any period of time in silence. They fear that if they do not talk, the quiet will envelope them and smother them.

The writer of this article may be the self proclaimed guru of all things public and vehicular, but has no solution to this conundrum, therefore all that can be recommended is to stop being so miserable and join in the conversation, you never know it might be nice

Seating

feet on seat

TO DO

people taking up too much of the seat

This heinous crime goes unpunished in most cultures, but the quartenes (a tribal group I have just invented for comic effect) view this infringment of personal space in a more serious manner. If a person sits on a seat on public transport in the following fashions taking up too much space, then their buttocks are cut off thereby preventing them for sitting ever again:

Sitting in the middle of the seat leaving space on either side of yourself, but using the space of the co-seater who needs to share the seat

Sitting at an angle.

sitting crossed legged. This forces your seating partner to move away so they do not get their clothing dirty from the crossed foo

Please note the author of this article has an obsesive compulsive need to have all of the seat he has paid for. The above comments do not apply to normal people who can sit on small chunks of seat

Behaviour

Anti social behaviour

Drunkeness

under drunkeness include kebabs, vomit, beer stench, singing badly, urinating, fighting

Miscellaneous

The power of the tutt

One of the most powerful weapons in the aresenal of the public transport passenger is the tutt. This vicious tool should be used with care, but when used in the following situations it takes on the efficacy of a laser guided missle.

Mr Mental is sitting next to me

This last area of travelling has been intentionally left

People use witty public transport etiquette techniques on you

Comment on how articulate they are and promise not to offend again. DO NOT launch into a flurry of blows against the funny person

** Under development **