h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Suncream is not required when travelling by train in Britain. There are 3 reasons why I say this:

1. Even the smallest, quietest, out-of-the-wayest stations in Britain have some form of shelter - you do not need to sit or stand in the sun at a railway station in Britain. I have waited for a train at Braystones station, I know whereof I speak.

No, I'm not going to tell you where it is, you'll have to look it up. Suffice to say that it has no platform as such, just a set of portable wooden steps that you can use. And you have to wave at the train to get it to stop. There's a house, but no other sign of human habitation. Oh, there was a dog when I was there. But there's a shelter. As I said you do not need to sit or stand in the sun at a railway station in Britain.

2. Even the oldest, dirtiest, horriblest rolling stock in use on railways in Britain has a roof. You do not need to sit or stand in the sun on a train in Britain.

3. Summer is a season we do not normally experience in Britain. As Jack Dee once explained, the reason we are not more successful in the Olympics is that they have Summer and Winter Olympics, and we don't have those seasons. You do not need to sit or stand in the sun in Britain.

You may observe that I have invented some words in this post. Please feel free to use them.

A hat is good, though. I often wear a hat - whether I'm travelling by train or not.

Hats are good. They keep the head dry and warm

I couldn't agree more. They keep the sun off, and the rain off, and you can keep secrets under them. They are far more versatile than, say, woolly mittens or sandals. I like hats with a wide brim. I think they give a head a sense of style.

I recommend the Hat Museum in Stockport. You can get there by train.

You need thick socks and heavy boots if you are changing trains at Newark. Once upon a time they had warm, clean waiting rooms. Now they have bus shelters with a foot high gap at the bottom (to make it easier to clean the platform - occasionally) Instead of the 'Brief Encounters' type bar, there is a liquid dispenser which is usually out of anything you might want to drink - not that it matters. It all tastes the same. You need a hat - heavy wool, and preferab;y waterproof.

You could get to the hat museum by train. But not at weekends right now as that section of line is shut from friday night to sunday night because of engineering works

The line is open again from the start of the winter timetable.

They haven't finished though, they'll be back.

Still, in the meantime you can go and see the hats.

But that's on Monday which means that I have to get a bus between Stafford and Stoke tomorrow night to get to the Alton Towers meet up
(and in the oher direction to get a train back home again)

You'd think that Alton Towers would install a white knuckle ride between Stafford and Stoke. That'd make it easier for you.

'Passengers for Stafford are advised to take the 1745 Nemesis which is now ready to leave on platform 3. Thank you for travelling Vomit Railways.'

Not much change there, then

The last train out of town on a Friday or Saturday night is known as a 'vomit special'. Just thought I'd share that.

And now to see if the train really does take the strain...