A Conversation for How to Roll a Perfect Cigarette

Oh you Europeans...

Post 1


The thing I love about you Europeans is that you have a great, cultured way of doing things better, in a much more quality-of-life, relaxed way than we do things. You folks are awesome, and after I returned home to the States after my first time on your continent, I was never able to brew coffee at home through a paper filter ever again, but that's another story.

Sometimes you folks get waaaay too meticulous about things like, for instance, rolling the perfect cigarette. Now, don't get me wrong, I mean no offense, your hearts are in the right place. It's all about quality of life, right?

Well, sometimes, simple is better. For instance, a rolled cigarette doesn't necessarily need a filter. If you twist the end you put into your mouth just right, that works just as well as any filter might.

And so, here's what you do for a REAL rollie... First the materials: get a good tasting, slow burning, moist tobacco. Avoid Top or Bugler, as those are too close to rabbit feces in flavor to be worth anything. Either get something from your local tobbaccanist or something from Douwe Egberts.

Personally, I like the Peter Stokkebye blends... Grown in Virginia, exported to Denmark, then imported right back to the US.

Anyway, I agree about the thin paper, but do it right. Rizla? Get real! That s**t's got glue on it. Get something real, like Club-- paper thin, no glue. Stuff's so thin that when you lick it, it just kind of fuses together and that's that.

Good, now we're up to rolling. If you're right-handed, hold the palm of your left hand up flat. Lay the paper out above your index and middle fingers so the crease is pointing downward between them. This is the trough down which you lay your desired dossage of the Old Dominion's finest evenly.

Now, lift this elegant assembly off of your ever-so-patient left hand and cradle it evenly between the fingers of BOTH hands in such a way that your thumbs may both come easily down on top of what shall soon become your next smoke. Now WORK THOSE FINGERS as you gently but firmly assert this cigarette into existance. Work it so the tobacco stays nice and firm and in the center. All of the fingers in their entirety (not just the fingertips, mind you) should be working to wrap the paper around this now perfectly shaped mass of tobacco so that it's slightly fatter in the middle than at the ends. Make the end you'll put into your mouth slightly more pointed and tighter (this is the filter) than the end you will light.

Now you're at the point where the much-anticipated smoke is almost rolled. Just the seam is sticking up (no glue, remember). Lick the part of the seam that is to come down upon the rest of the cigarette with the tip of your tongue then use your fingers to brush it down. Don't use too much saliva here, MOISTEN is the key word, not SATURATE. Once the seam is down, you may want to gently lick over it to complete the seal. Good, now here comes the reward...

Remember that tight end you were going to put into your mouth and use as a filter? Well, roll that between your thumb and forefinger to loosen it a bit, then place it between your lips whil you light the other end.

If you need any instruction beyond that, you obviously have never smoked and you should disregard all my previous advice for this tidbit: Don't start.

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Oh you Europeans...

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