h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I had no idea there was a word for what I consider a lifestyle very well adapted to my relationship !

We've had several poly variations with my boyfriend in the past 3 years, from "casual one-night-stand" to committed erotic friendships, and it is a source of growth for our love. It is indeed a lot of work, and honnesty and communication is 120% of it !

Many of our friends would or do frown upon our views, and I understand that they can't share the same opinions. I wouldn't want to impose this poly thing to everybody, exactly the same way I do not feel comfortable being imposed the "mono" style.

But I am very happy that there are a few others who, like me, live a happy poly life !

Thanks for this entry, and the comments (even if I am 2 years late !)

Thanks for writing, Connie. I'm sure the author will appreciate this comment when she sees it. And I'm glad you found the word for what you already knew existed in your heart.

Connie,

Sounds like you have a Top Chap. Speaking from my perspective, I have to confess that I might let jealousy get in the way... not sure how my partner would feel. I suspect that a lot of people get 'conditioned' against it at an early stage in their life and it's then difficult to sweep it away...

D

Yes, "jealousy" is a very strong feeling you need to start and befriend...
It is true it takes some work to adjust, but it is a very powerfull tool to self-discovery.

Jealousy is a feeling you can actually learn to know and digest. Not repress it, but learn from it.
And see clearly between "my own emotions running wild - jealousy", and "sign that there is something going wrong - jealousy".

Like :

"Am I jealous because I fear (s)he might take him/her from me ?", then I might need to realise that polyamory is about love shared, not replaced (and make sure everybody in the loving tribe is on the same definition)

"Am I jealous because I see them happy / having fun ?", well, if I really loved them, I should be happy for them, rejoy of their happyness. That might be me being selfish and loving myself more than I can love them...
Unless you really are left out, then again some communication is needed.

"Am I jealous because I feel threatened ? (the "other one" could be younger, richer, more attractive, etc.)", well, what is that love that I fear is based on competition ? A race ?

Etc.

Actually, if many couples can get away with a little lie here, a little pretending there, the more people you add in the group, the clearer you need to be with all that. This probably makes for a more intense life altogether ; more work to make thing run smoothly, more honesty (with oneself, and with the partners), more communication, etc. But I still believe it really is worth it !

In love and light,

Connie L.

It's interesting. The approach you recommend in dealing with jealousy is very similar to the sort of advice given during anger management classes. I still think it's not for everyone. First, you have to agree that jealousy is something you *want* to manage. For some people, I think the negative experience of feeling jealousy may outweigh any benefits gained from learning how to react positively to its presence.

But you're probably right that people can follow the same steps

* take a big step back to avoid an unhealthy confrontation

* take time alone or with a trusted and uninvolved party to evaluate the cause or causes for your emotion

* communicate your knowledge in a non-blaming way to the involved party

* work with yourself and with the other party to rationally to eliminate the cause

* see if the feeling has dissipated as expected

* rejoice, or alternatively. rinse and repeat.

Anger Management. Hmmm. If only schools started the whole thing off... There should be a class from 5 years onwards called 'Even Tempered Delivery' or something.

Too many people are getting passion and anger and rudeness and non-centredness mixed up...

Grrr

D

I don't think I've ever felt anything vaguely resembling jelasy in my relationships... Guess I'm just not the jelous kind (I'm probably far too laid back and 'easy going' to 'do' jelasy very well even if I tried)...
I know one of my err 'lovers' (well we've been together now for over five years), can be a little jelous of my being with other people; but really I think this is more than just* jelasy, as we don't often get to be together as often as we like (he's now working full time, and we live a fair distance apart, and often his weekends are full with other stuff he's doing...)... so I guess that is kind of like jelasy...
I'd certainly find it hard not* to be polyamorous in my relationships... I just fall in love too easily