Afgncaap Investigates
Created | Updated Jun 22, 2003
I pulled myself from the wreckage of the vehicle that I was ushered onto during the last few minutes of an active h2g2, and surveyed my surroundings.
All around me, I could see other people arriving to various sections of the Internet that were not h2g2. Our virtual methods of getting to our various locations all ended the same. Space ship autopilots crashing to prevent a return voyage. People walked across bridges, which were quickly burned in an inferno worse than Hades on a Friday.
But the point was, h2g2 had been quickly evacuated. Sensing that something odd might be going on behind the scenes, I quickly put on the trenchcoat and hat that I hadn't touched since the 'h2g2 Espionage' scare several months back. Lately, business on h2g2 had been slower than molasses in February, and there was nothing worth investigating... but the sudden evacuation (and, as I quickly found out, disappearance) of h2g2 was definitely enough to get me to clean the dust off of my magnifying glass.
My first course of action, of course, was an attempt to head straight to h2g2. I was extremely shocked to discover that they were temporarily closed to alter the Guide, and to make some possible business deals with some buyers. So, while the 'Powers That Be' in the Towers advanced the money behind the Guide, the entire community had had some gigantic rug pulled out from under their collective feet, hoping that we would still be standing after this particularly shady deal.
At least, that's what the cover story was. I had a hunch that there was something more going on, and that the h2g2 community would come off on the wrong end of it, like a game of mauve weasels stuck in a Judy Garland movie for too long. I immediately set off to some of the communities 'Refugee Camp' to do some snooping.
I totally ignored the Yahoo hosted chat facilities for three reasons.
First, that was the area primarily directed to by the Guide, so the cover stories could have some influence there.
Second, attempting to keep up with any particular conversation was harder than a fruitcake after its third year of circulation between relatives.
Third, I already had an account with an organization called 'ezboards', and many members of the Guide's community had set up temporary facilities there.
I started looking around, and quickly turned to the Aroma Cafe threads in the Temporary h2g2 Board. Before I could hustle up some suspects, usual or otherwise, I was cornered by a few mugs that were hangin' around like Brazilian spider monkeys at a Christmas party.
These mugs said many things, mostly along the lines of
'I Hate W*rk'
or
'I Went To Casablanca, And All I Got Was This Lousy Coffee Mug.'
But one of the mugs, newer than the others, said:
'h2g2 And BBC Unite!'
Confused, I avoided the mugs for sale outside the Cafe, and entered to do some snooping.
The Cafe, unfortunately, was about as useful as a rotated flat tyre. There were many rumors, but none of the ones I heard on my one snooping trip yielded any fruit. The one that came closest to the truth that I was looking for was a story about a dog named Zeppo chewing a rift in the space/time continuum. As much as I enjoyed the possible profits that I could gain from it, it had no real involvement in the case. I did hear a few more cryptic remarks about the BBC being involved, but dismissed them as probable.
Instead, the majority of my attention went to the refugee camp for Lil's Atelier. Conversation and rumors poured through that place easier than a few shots of scotch would pour through a tavern on St. Patrick's Day. I heard a lot more rumors there, but they still focused mainly on the BBC.
Just as I was about to give up hope of the primary cover story for this investigation to ever blow, I saw a gleam of hope: Lil had found several CLI badges in a biome that had been quickly constructed. At first, I looked over the information like a person looks over a crocodile in the zoo on a hot Summer day, and dismissed it as some organic freak of nature caused by a few missing parts from a CLI robot that wandered far away. When I looked closer, however, I found some codewords engraved on the underside of the badges:
'Made In Atlantis!'
That line made everything fall into place. There had been a few CLI robots made in Atlantis, but I highly doubted that any were at the refugee camps. So, I went to investigate the closest thing to an Atlantean that I could get my hands on.
His name was Krylma. Minos Krylma. While on h2g2, he was the head of a major organized crime syndicate known as STUMPED. I figured that, while he was off h2g2, he would take a break. But apparently, I thought wrong. With this corrected incorrect thought, I stormed off to find him, angrier than a car driver who has to stop because a snail darts out in front of him.
When I eventually tracked down the big lizard, he was in some sort of meeting with a shady looking kid named McMire. Ignoring the kid, I confronted Krylma with all of the info I gathered. I could tell by the smug look on his face that he thought he would get away with it, or that I was a moron, or both. He eventually opened his mouth to give his testimony.
'And what do a bunch of metal badges have to do with anything?'
I hadnt been expecting that question, but the demented crime boss did have a point. His mind was like a steel trap, almost in the same way that an ostrich can be like an emu. I bluffed that he would find out all about it in the court hearings, and stormed out of his turf.
I just knew that he was involved. I quickly set up a brain scanning device while I sat underneath a big BBC logo, determined to figure out everything that Krylma knew about 'h2g2 going away. Since the only side effects would be slight schizophrenia, I decided that it wouldn't be necessary to inform him of the brain scan, and just left it at that.
Two days later, all I had gotten were more mentions of the BBC and several reports about Minos talking to stuffed animals. I was disheartened that even the most respected crime boss in h2g2 had no idea what was going on.
As it turned out, h2g2 really had been purchased by BBC. At least officially. I intend to continue my investigation as to what really happened. The only reason this story is written is so that the people in the BBC and that the Powers That Be of h2g2 will know that I'm onto them. One of these days, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day I'll figure out what's really going on here. Meanwhile, h2g2 is back... and so is my holistic detective agency. I'll have to go back to work now, and when I do, you can be sure that (the rest of this article has been removed , due to the fact that its long, pointless, redundant, and probably breaks a few of the new Terms And Conditions for use on the Guide. It hasn''t been read yet, but we think we might've caught a glimpse of a link in it, or maybe a picture, or something, and decided to save some time.)
