h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Being one of those types who likes to play outdoors, here are some survival tips that I have learned over the years to reduce the risks and add to the comfort.
1) If you are determined to have sex on the beach, take nothing smaller than a sheet(preferably not a white one--at night you will be less easily noticed by passers by. It also helps to stay closer to the dune line, since most people walk nearer the surf.) If you don't have a sheet, DO NOT lay down. You WILL regret it.
2) Golf courses are great places for late night adventures. The grass is soft and well kept, and generally they spray for insects, so it is less likely you will be covered with embarassing bug bites. Note: do some prior research and check when the automatic water sprinklers come on, unless you don't mind an unexpected cold shower.
3) If you enjoy the pique of semipublic sex but don't necessarily want others to know what is going on, wear a long, billowy skirt without panties. It can be easily hiked up in the rear, while still hanging down on the sides and front. If your gentleman caller is not too frantic it'll just look like he's giving you a hug from behind. Even better if it's Halloween, or there is another reason a man can get away with wearing a cape without attracting too much attention.

Hehehe I guess at this point nobody wonders any more why the Hitchhikers Guide recommends always carrying your trusty towel everywhere you go. Never know when it'll come in handy

Good tips MTGotWKoLM, I like the billowy skirt idea.

Further advice.

Avoid beaches. It is generally unromantic, unless you are on a really quiet and deserted one. Your average Costa Del Concrete one will probably resemble a good night out with Caligula.

Nightclub toilets Dirty, smelly and seedy, but get yourself a decent one, lock the door and there isnt much better. The Porcelain God is a very adaptable piece of kit for this. Always choose the womens bog though.

Balcony: Seen Roadhouse? Part of the thrill of Open air sex is the kinkiness of being viewed. Try screwing your lady up against the balcony wall from behind, so all the people can see her facial contortions. Drives em mad. Not recommended for rush hour, when you are likely to get a few rythmc chants from below. Avoid Turkey (the country)

Yes - whatever CAN go wrong, WILL go wrong!
For example, there was a very memorable summer evening last year when a friend of mine and his girlfriend sneaked up onto the roof of the students' union building for a little outdoor nookie. Unfortunately, the spot they chose had a beautiful view over the park - the same view as could be seen from the small balcony outside the bar, where they gathered quite an audience! Not only that, but because of the stone-chip covering used on the flat roof, they ended up with gravel rash (even through the towel!)...

Yes, I've heard some stories in my time. But that one surely is the funniest

Yeah? I bet the bar's business picked up after that!
An amusing incident happened to, er, "my friend" too. On a nce beach on a Greek island, sun coming ver the hills, a lovely tanned Dutch girl etc.
Some dirty old Greek came over, slapped my (I mean his) arse and stopped for a look.
Hence my aversion to beaches. And Greeks.

Be careful of anything involving straw/hay, it may look soft but it fights back. You'll be finding it in your underwear (dosen't matter how often you change it either) for the next week. As for fields of stubbble it can get into orriffices you never knew you had

Isn't stubble horrible? Whether it be giving you a rash on your face or down below when your little (?) friend is enveloped. The way to avoid this is to make sure that your partner in passion is shaving daily and nice and smooth.........or sports a full bush. Either way it is great by me!.

How many men do have a name for their penis?

How many women have a name for mine? and how many women have a name for theirs?

Surely a Night Club toilet is hardly Al Fresco?

But that is being picky.

National Trust places are a good source of 'nookie' areas, lots of bushes and out of the way walks.However be careful of trying it in a place where you think you can't be seen but neglect the fact that a bus can drive by giving the passengers a view over the hedge where you are lying!!

A New York City skyscraper rooftop can be verrrry nice. But.. some things to consider. You want to find a dark place that has a good panoramic view all around you of soaring skyscrapers. Dark because who knows, someone might very well come up on the roof with a similar idea (maybe this is quite common?) I think an affluent area is probably relatively safe.

There also is a lack of seating usually, which can be hard on the knees, so this is someting to think about.

Also once you get going you begin to notice there are quite a lot of windows all around you! Best pick a spot equidistant from all the other buildings. Of course some people in New York are rumored (or is it just in the movies?) to have telescopes for checking out other windows. If your partner is the kind who likes being seen, tell him or her that much. If it is too scary for them, you may note that they are quite unlikely to look down at a dark rooftop with all the other windows around to see, and the higher up you are the less windows that can look down on you anyway. And if there is someone with a really good scope, well they paid for it right? So the best time would probably be night time, though you could go up to look at the sunset and hang out for a while scouting out how popular the place is.

Careful of soot, it can get your hands dark so maybe you want to spread something (or not, just don't get streaks on your face or clothing if possible). A gown or jacket (or a cape! great idea) would be quite a good idea in case someone does walk onto the roof. Then you are just being romantic and not arrestingly (arrestably) kinky.

Not sure if this could be done in many other places than New York. The buildings are quite pretty and tall there. Perhaps a cross between these recommendations and those of other Guide readers above could be useful to those who are in dire need of alfresco during fireworks displays. Those where you sit out on a field with thousands of other people are going to need a little more ingenuity, but possibly a secluded spot or on better yet on a boat (careful of patrols!) would be nice as the Hudson River, between New York and New Jersey, on July 4 is spectacular. Careful of the big finale, when the sky becomes extraordinarily bright!

Any other suggestions for alfresco in metropolitan settings where you don't have roundabouts?

Sex "Al Fresco" is by definition uncomfortable and unhygienic - I'm surprised that anyone would go looking for romance down this particular route! There are three kinds of people who indulge in "SAF": (1) natural exhibitionists who don't mind grass and/or sand up their cracks; (2) people who still live with their mothers and can't afford a hotel room; (3) forward-thinking types who don't mind suffering a bit of discomfort for a good story on the next drunken night in/out with mates. Having subscribed to all three categories in the past, I'm now discovering the joy of king-size beds and carpets adjacent to open fires. I must be getting old / boring / both.

i know a couple(hhmmm..lol)that
went 4 a walk in the park with
there dog,the lady walking with
her dress open(it was at night)
found a spot near a tree,let the dog
wonder,they put a blanket down,n had there
bit of fun,then heard a qwad with 2
lads on it,they shined there lights
right at the couple who were rushing
2 cover up,laughing all the time
wich took longer 2 get dressed...
those lads must have got a right
eye full....lol....

Golf Courses do not quite compare to cemeteries. The old fashioned ones with lots of above ground crypts and big tombstones are the coolest. Of note for intrepid hitch hikers: there is generally one in every town. Most are unguarded, and nearly all are deserted due to the natural squemishness of the public. The grounds are well kept and for a quick nap afterwards, nothing beats stretching out on a sunwarmed marble slab still giving off heat after dark.
Warning: avoid the wild spaces. More dangerous than the rare tiger attack is the wild poison ivy. Scenario one: Rip and his highly amorous partner at age 19. Casting clothes off to the sides as we roll down a gentle slope to a small lakeside beach. Awaken to the realities that
A said gentle slope was overgrown with poison ivy.
B though we had hiked quite some ways out onto a point of land from the road, we had arrived at the little beach just a stones throw from a very populated fishing spot on the other side of the cove. They laughed at my might sword

Now I know what all those goths who hang around the cemetary are doing...

Additional Tips?

1) Commercial pine forests have no little or no insect life; good cover from being spotted and the needles make a surprisingly soft bed.

2) Don't rule out winter excursions; falling snowflakes melting on your back feel wonderful.

3) Voluminous skirts also work well with the guy lying down and the girl sitting on his lap. Very little adjustment needed when 'caught short'.

4) Try it. Every time is diffrent, every time is memorable. Can you say that about your double bed?