If you can keep your sewer clean when all about you

Are dirtying theirs and blaming it on you;

If you believe in monsters in your sewer when all doubt you

but believe there may be monsters in theirs, too:

If you can wait for monster and not be sleepy,

or, being attacked by monsters, don't attack back.

Or being stalked by monsters - don't find them creepy,

Yet if necessary, don't hesitate to start to attack;

If you can meet monsters in your sewer flu

And then can think and not scream in shame:

If you can meet with bikini babes there too

and treat those two imposters just the same:

If you can hear the truth about your sewer spoken

And twisted by knaves to make stories for fools,

Or watch the sewer you gave your life to, broken,

and stoop to re-build it with sewer-found tools;

If you can talk in the Forum and Firkin and keep your virtue

or walk with Queen BluDragon... nor lose the common touch,

If in the Pool neither foes nor friends can splash you,

If you can splash them back, but not too much.

If you can join or support the Rambling Misfits

And play, hit the ball, and to first base you run,

Yours is h2g2 and everything that's in it,

and - which is more - you'll be a Researcher, my son!