Christmas Jokes

The night before Christmas, the whole family was sound asleep when they were startled awake by a loud crash. They all ran outside to find their outhouse in a million pieces - with Father Christmas lying in pain in the midst of the rubble.

He was shaking his fist at a sleigh circling overhead, and shouting, "You idiots! I said the SCHMIDT house!"

Christmas Carols For The Internet Age

1. 'Twas the 'Net before Christmas
2. Santa Claus is modem to town
3. Up On The Desktop
4. "Quark", The Herald Angels Sing
5. Gateway In A Manger
6. The First AOL
7. INTEL IT On The Mountain
8. .COM All Ye Faithful
9. JAVA Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
10. Joy To The World Wide Web

The Lawyer's Christmas Card

From us ("the wishor") to you ("hereinafter called the wishee") Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...
and a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2002, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed,
colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:

• This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.
• This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.
• This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.
• This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.
• This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
• The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor .
• Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead, alive or risen, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

20 ways to confuse Father Christmas

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to
   get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees
   that big, red suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Father Christmas."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Father Christmas that Mrs. Christmas called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a
   loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Father Christmas when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't
   have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. Leave
    another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Father Christmas."
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Father Christmas arrives, show up dressed like a
    policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And
    he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Father Christmas a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new
    house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Father Christmas to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry,
    but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Father Christmas suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up,
    act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Father Christmas to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."